Overcoming My Father

Chapter 10

After the talk with the stupid doctor I was mentally drained and couldn't stay awake any longer. I fell fast asleep, but in the middle of my slumber, I felt someone eyes on me. This feeling filled me with so much fear I gasped awake. I looked around for a person and my eyes stopped at him. My father.

"What do you want?" I glared. He took a deep breathe. Which looked to be him holding back his anger. He walked over to me, got down to eye level and matched my glare. He dug his hand into his pocket and pulled out a piece of paper. He held it up so I could see.

"I found this in your room," he threw my suicide letter at me. "You better not tell anyone young lady, or I swear, I'll kill you." He left. His threat echoed in my head. My mind went foggy and all i could hear was him saying 'ill kill you'. My own father wanted to kill me. Tough love? I knew in that moment I couldn't tell a soul of the things my father did to me. If I did, I'm sure he'd find away to kill me. And even though I wanted to die, I wanted to do it myself. I wanted to be the one that choose how it happened. He controlled my life, I did not want him to control my death too. Suicide was all mine. Plus, I wanted people to know that I wanted to die. I want then to know all the hurt I kept inside. I wanted him to suffer like I do. He probably won't because he wants me dead, but whatever. I was so over taken with the swirling pain in my chest I grabbed the letter held it to my chest and cried. I cried so hard, I'm sure I caused an earth quake. I fell asleep from pure exhaustion.

I woke up to a tall slim women sitting beside my bed. I had no idea who she was. She was giving me a reassuring smile as she watched me wake up.

"Hi, area. I'm Tina, and I'll be your therapist." She spoke confidentially and kept that same smile on her face.

"Hi," I said softly, hardly looking into her eyes.

"Is there anything that happened to make you feel all these feelings? A death, friends, boys, abuse? This all confidential, unless you are hurting yourself, someone else, or someone is hurting you, okay?" I heard all the words but they floated around in my head. I went to sit up and grab the water off the table, but the letter fell to the floor. My heart pounded loudly in my chest, fear spread through my body. Tina bent down to pick it up, I wanted to stop her so bad, but didn't know how. She grabbed it, glanced at it for a second and returned to me. I breathed a sigh of relief.

"Thanks." She smiled, trying to make me feel comfortable with her. It wasn't going to work, she wasn't going to break me.

"So, area, back to my questions." She pushed. I looked away and thought of what to say.

"Nothing. I'm fine." I forced the words out. I wanted so badly to just tell her and have her help me. But my dad would kill me. No matter what I wanted I couldn't tell anyone. She gave me a doubtful look before replying.

"Why did you try to kill yourself then?" She challenged. She knew I was lying through my teeth. I could feel the familiar pull in my throat, fighting it off, and the tears that burned in my eyes. I knew if I let her in, something bad would happen. I just couldn't so it.

"Why do you even care? You don't know me! You have no idea who I am! What do you care if I kill myself?" I yelled at her, letting the tears fall from my cheeks. I looked out the windo, avoiding eye contact. Tears just kept pouring from my eyes, I couldn't hold them back.

"I'm here to help you feel better. I'm here to help you heal and cope. I'm here to help you so you don't feel like killing yourself. I need you to let me in so I can help you." She replied with an even calm tone.

"I don't need help." I paused, thinking of how to proceed, "I, um, was just experimenting with pills. Seeing how's they'd affect me.. I wasn't trying to kill myself."

"We both know that's not true. But if that's what you want as your story I guess that's for you to decide. So why were you experimenting with pills? What were you hoping to get out of it?" Damn she was good. I'd just have to be better.

"Um. I don't really know. I was bored and needed something to do. I'm really into seeing how things affect the body, I just got to curious for my own good I guess." I smiled, hoping she drop this.

"Next time your bored, go for a walk, or experiment with something healthy. Don't put unknown substances in your body. And if you ever want to tell me the truth and talk about what is really going on, you know where to find me." She got up and left. Unbelievable. This woman just wouldn't stop. The next time, I'd actually have to die, or I'd have to deal with this chick again. Waiting a awhile before trying again seemed to be the best idea for me. Especially if I fail again, that would be tough to cover up. I took my suicide letter to my father and threw it in the trash. That's where it belonged. That's where he belonged. Now how was I going to look him in the eyes again? Mom still had no idea of the abuse, so shed expect me to treat him the same way a before. How was I going to do that? I'd just have to fake it better than ever before.

I'd have to make sure she didn't catch on, because if she did, I'd be dead.