This is not a game

Glorious Bastards: Word of Honor

Qi Yi's friends really do show up on his doorstep just after noon the next day. Eli smiles, nods, and tries to remember their names with the correct tones, or at least remember them at all, but doesn't have high hopes of success on the first try.

Huang Kai — the one who knows Qi Yi is gay — is almost indecently, movie-star level handsome, and Eli sneaks glances at him while the guests take off their shoes. Something tells him Kai is used to it.

Luo Ye immediately dives in for a hug, thanking Eli for the invitation and for "showing our recluse Mr. Compilator what a TV is." Eli instinctively glances at Qi Yi in alarm, but Qi Yi just smiles gently, signaling that everything is fine.

Lin Shen literally peels his friend off Eli, turns him toward the living room (which doubles as a bedroom and kitchen), and gives him a gentle shove. Luo Ye doesn't resist, strolling off to inspect the place as if nothing had happened. Lin Shen asks where the bathroom is and disappears inside. Kai joins Luo Ye in the living room.

That leaves Eli and Qi Yi alone in the hallway.

"How are you today?" Qi Yi asks quietly, and Eli smiles down at the floor, feeling shy.

On New Year's Eve, and even the next day when he thought about it on his own, everything that had happened didn't seem so wild. But now, standing face-to-face with someone who had seen him in a less-than-ideal state (one of many such states, but still), it feels much more intense.

"Better," he replies. "But I'm still glad to have company. Do you think your friends will like Firefly? I have plenty of other stuff on my list, including some Chinese dramas, but... I'm not sure how that'll come across... I mean, will they think I'm a racist if I suggest watching Word of Honor?"

"We won't," Luo Ye chirps cheerfully from behind them, "if you can convinsingly justify your keen interest in all things Chinese."

Eli panics for a second, mentally scrambling to construct a solid defense, but then catches Qi Yi's sparkling, amused gaze and relaxes. He explains while heading to the couch.

"Well, actually, it all started with that very drama — I watched it almost by accident, but it turned out to be really cool, so I started reading analyses of the poetry used in it, articles about the cultural background, and then I found out it was based on a novel. I read the English translation and realized I wanted to read the original. A year and a half later," he laughs, "here I am, fumbling through with Duolingo and a bunch of other shows, still somewhere at the beginner level. But hey, at least I've developed a taste for Chinese food and tiny teacups."

"你喜欢学习中文吗？" Lin Shen asks slyly as he joins them.

"喜欢! 我觉得中文是一门美丽的语言," Eli beams, thrilled to understand the question. "But I still watch dramas with subtitles. Sometimes they mess up, even I can tell that now, but it doesn't stop me from enjoying them."

"What's Word of Honor about?" Kai asks, and Eli gives a brief overview of the setting. The group decides that watching pseudo-historical Chinese fantasy in an American's apartment is wonderfully absurd, and so that's exactly what they'll do.

The small couch fits three people, so Eli and Luo Ye settle on the floor on either side of the coffee table, which is stocked with snacks and beer for those who want it. Eli accidentally brushes against Qi Yi's knee with his shoulder and freezes for a few moments, debating whether moving away or staying put would be weirder. But then Qi Yi reaches for a slice of pizza, ruffles Eli's hair on his way back, and Eli shoots him a mock-indignant look before relaxing.

When Wen Kexing starts flirting with (or, as Eli would describe it, "harassing") Zhou Zishu without much preamble, Lin Shen snorts, Luo Ye openly laughs, and Qi Yi... Qi Yi stiffens. Eli tilts his head back to check on him, seeing that Qi Yi is staring at the screen, his lips pressed into a thin line. Eli reaches out and squeezes his ankle to get his attention, offering a smile — yes, it's exactly what you think. The Chinese censors let the series air, and casual viewers might interpret all this obvious flirting as playful banter that eventually turns into a strong friendship, but it's exactly what Qi Yi suspects it is: a love story between two people who, against all odds, didn't break or become monsters, despite the monstrous things they'd been forced to do.

After a few moments of silent eye contact, Qi Yi visibly relaxes and places his hand on Eli's shoulder. Eli glances around and notices that Lin Shen and Huang Kai are practically cuddling, while Luo Ye has his head resting on Lin Shen's lap... In this group, it seems casual touching is no big deal. He shifts slightly and leans his temple against Qi Yi's knee. Qi Yi gently strokes the back of his neck, and Eli smiles.

The group stays until late evening, leaving only after dinner and one last episode. By the time they go, Eli no longer confuses the tones of their names and doesn't feel shy about using his awkward Mandarin when appropriate. By the time they go, Eli has already agreed to test their new game and boasted about his Battlescape skills, which, of course, they knew about — even if Battlescape isn't a direct competitor, its combat mechanics are among the best, if not the best, for now. At least until Kai and the team's new game hits the market. By the time they are leaving, Eli is thrilled he invited them over. He says they're welcome anytime, in any combination, and his contact list grows by three more numbers.

In the presence of others, Qi Yi remains mostly quiet, but that doesn't stop him from having the most solid presence of them all: he communicates with looks, chuckles, innocent warm touches, and unobtrusive care. He helps organize dinner and clean up afterward, hands Eli a glass of water before he even realizes he's thirsty, and distracts Luo Ye when he accidentally gets too close to why Eli had invited Qi Yi over on New Year's Eve.

Luo Ye gives Eli a tight warm hug as he leaves, Lin Shen claps him on the shoulder, and Huang Kai shakes his hand before herding his friends out the door. That leaves Qi Yi, who was waiting to put on his shoes, alone with Eli in the narrow hallway.

"I had a great time today," Eli says once the others disappear into the elevator. "Thank you."

Qi Yi straightens up after putting on his shoes, standing half a meter away. For a few seconds, a thick silence hangs between them — the kind of silence that usually ends with a kiss at the end of a first or second date.

"I want to kiss you," Eli blurts out, true to form with no brain-to-mouth filter whatsoever. He watches Qi Yi's shocked, quickly darkening gaze and starts babbling before Qi Yi can draw the wrong conclusions. "I know I said I need more time, and I still don't think I'm ready for a relationship, and that's the only reason I'm not jumping on you with kisses right now. But I just want you to know. That I want to kiss you. That I wish you kissed me."

Eli stops and offers an embarrassed smile, as if saying, yeah, that was crazy, but what can you do? Qi Yi slowly, giving Eli the chance to pull away, raises his hand and cups Eli's cheek. He gently strokes his thumb across Eli's skin, and Eli closes his eyes, leaning into the touch.

"You respond so sensitively to my every touch," Qi Yi says in a low, hoarse voice, "that it's really hard not to grant that wish right now."

Eli opens his eyes. Qi Yi's gaze is dark and serious. That gaze draws Eli in, and without thinking, Eli steps forward — only to be stopped by Qi Yi's hand on his chest.

"Not tonight," Qi Yi says. "When you're ready. Don't rush."

"I'm scared," Eli says, surprising even himself with the admission. But as soon as the words are out, he realizes they're true. "That if I don't hurry, you'll get to know me better, change your mind about liking me and disappear."

"I won't change my mind," Qi Yi says, scratching Eli lightly under the chin before dropping his hand and stepping back. "And I won't disappear. But I do need to go now."

Eli nods and smiles. He doesn't quite believe those promises, but just saying the fear out loud makes it a little smaller.

Until that fear disappears completely, he probably shouldn't start a relationship.

This fear is hardly healthy.

It's hard to imagine it will ever go away.