Tie My Heartstring's ❦

something

Katie

The sun filtered through the palm fronds outside, casting playful shadows on my living room floor. It was a new week in Florida, and I had hoped for a fresh start. After every toxic shitty thing I dealt with, it was my chance to escape. I was finally free from Hudson's suffocating grip, but the weight of anxiety still hung over me.

And so a pattern develops: wake, look for work, distract myself, cry, sleep. Well, try to sleep. I can't even escape Hudson in my dreams. His furious glare, his emotionless look, haunts me.

Hudson and I used to go grocery shopping together. My refrigerator is filled with food, but I have no appetite. Ironically, all I can stomach for dinner is soup.

I have spoken to no one, not even Alice or my dad. I don't have the capacity for it now. No, I want none of it. I have become my own form of isolation. If I talk to my dad, I know I will break even further and I have nothing left to break.
I am finding it difficult to eat.

Mason has started to hover over me, asking me personal questions. A sick deranged part of me, missed Hudson. God, no what was I thinking. I needed to screw my head back on. I sat on my couch, holding a cup of coffee, and stared out the window.

This apartment was cozy, a small slice of paradise that felt worlds away from the chaos I'd left behind. I didn't feel like I was constantly treading on eggshells, which was a relief. Though part of me felt, empty? Alone? I brushed it off.

The vibrant colors of the landscape reminded me that there was beauty in the world, but every time I caught a glimpse of movement outside, my heart raced. Was it him? Had he found me? Did I want him to find me? God, I was starting to piss my fucking self off, now.

On a good note, last week, I had met my neighbor, Mason. He was young and cute, with a sweet smile that made my heart flutter. He was everything I should gravitate towards. I was suspicious of him at first, as I should be.

Mason and I had hung out once—just a casual chat at the cafe when I discovered he actually really was, a sweet guy.  In that moment, I had forgotten about everything, lost in the warmth of his laughter and the kindness in his brown eyes. It felt good to connect with someone, even if it was just for a fleeting moment. But could I really allow myself to trust again?  I took a deep breath and set my coffee cup down.

I promised myself it was time to take control of my life again. This was my life after all, I was turning twenty, soon. I was still so young, and had my entire life ahead of me. I'd been living in fear for too long, and I wasn't going to let Hudson dictate my happiness. With that thought, I grabbed my phone and sent Mason a quick text.

Me: Hey, it's Katie! Want to grab lunch at that café down the street?

I felt a mix of excitement and apprehension. Would he want to hang out again? After a few minutes that felt like hours, my phone buzzed.

Mason: Absolutely! So glad you texted me. What time?

A smile crept onto my face. He was truly cute. Like really cute. I needed to force myself to be attracted to boys like him. Who wouldn't hurt me, kidnap me, fuck me up. I quickly typed back, and within the hour, I found myself getting ready. I promised myself I wouldn't make the same repeat mistakes. I know, I was smarter than that now.

I pulled on a sundress, one that I hadn't worn in ages. I sprayed a floral perfume light and airy, a contrast to the heavy vanilla one that I had worn back in New York, for so long. As I walked to the café, the warm breeze tousled my hair, and the scent of saltwater filled the air. I took a moment to appreciate my surroundings—the cheerful storefronts, the bustling tourists, and the friendly faces of locals.