My suicide had been two years in the making when I decided not to follow through at the last minute.
Over the past decade, I've written poems, books, short stories, fanfiction and hundreds of thousands of words, but nothing felt complete. This coll...
Negative Nancy #1 was on 28/11/2020, but I didn't have time to write anything down then because I was trying (with medium success) to muffle the ruckus I was making (sobbing into a pillow).
I want the attention, the help, but I don't want to have to ask for it. I want people to notice that I haven't been okay for... well, since my early teens, really? At the same time, I want everyone to leave me alone. I want these lows to shrink back to just a few days. That's manageable, this isn't. I'm completely stuck. I don't feel like life is worth it at the moment, it's becoming a bit too much again. Sometimes I wonder if I'm destined to die young. Pien with her delusions and big dreams. Maybe I'm thinking big because my subconscious knows I won't be here for long.
I want to cut open my arms, but I promised myself that if I ever went back to self-harm, I'd end it immediately. And although the thought is there, I'm not ready to start making active plans.
If I read this tomorrow, I'll feel better, because that's how BPD works. One day you cry for hours and feel suicidal, the next day you're back to being a happy little chompmachine. Like Batman but super depressing and distinctly lacking in nepo-baby-ness.
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Negative Nancy #3 – 01/01/2021
New year, still depressed.
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Negative Nancy #4 — 05/01/2021
Not doing well. As soon as the lockdown is over, I'm looking for another therapist.
I don't feel comfortable anywhere except Loenersloot, so I'm spending most of my time here right now.
Once upon a time, I started writing books out of sole pettiness, and for that same reason, I'm not going to commit suicide. I must outlive my enemies!!!! Ik ga ze het achterste van mijn tanden laten zien (my new funky expression, meaning: I will rip their throats out, metaphorically).
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Negative Nancy #5 — 09/04/2021
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Negative Nancy #6 — 10/04/2021 (late at night)
It's 8 hours later now, and I'm lying in bed crying again, this time in Loenersloot. After not being able to stop crying in Amsterdam, I fled the house. Cried on the way to the station, pulled myself together, and called my mom with a normal-sounding voice to ask if she could pick me up from the station. Then cried again on the metro (thank you, sunglasses and face mask), and when I saw my dad waiting by the car, I almost burst into tears again—but jumped into an anecdote instead.
