a Slice of Life - Heavenly Bride

Chapter 2 - His Misbeliefs

1 And Calem spake unto himself in the stillness of his heart, proclaiming,

2 "I am ne'er sufficient; yea, I am but a fleeting thought in the minds of men."

3 And lo, he uttered unto himself, "Though their admiration for me may endure a time, it shall surely wither away.

4 For when they discern me for what I truly be, they shall turn aside, and their interest shall wither as the grass beneath the sun's scorching rays."

5 "Behold, love and life are but Hevel," quoth he, "a vapor that passeth and is no more."

6 And he did test the hearts of those who cherished him, feigning ignorance thereof,

7 To see if their love would endure, or if it too would vanish like the morn's sweet dew.

8 He barred his heart as with iron bonds,

9 And shut its doors, proclaiming, "I shall not love, nor shall I be loved."

10 He raised high his defenses, and trembled to let another approach his soul.

11 And he did murmur within, "I am to blame, for I bear not a comely visage.

12 Neither am I fit in form, nor sagacious in mind.

13 I lack in all things, quoth he, my character is not lovable, nor is my spirit worthy of affection."

14 He gazed upon his labors and spake, "My endeavors do prosper, yet only just enough;

15 It is neither great nor abundant, and thus I am unworthy."

16 And in the watches of the night, Calem wept bitterly upon his bed,

17 Thus saying, "There is none to love me, for I am unworthy of love."

18 His heart swelled with sorrow, and he pitied his own soul,

19 For he steadfastly believed that no woman could ever love him truly.

20 He pondered within, "Their affection be but superficial,

21 It is but a shadow that shall flee when they perceive me as I be."

22 He scorned his own soul and proclaimed, "I loathe myself."

23 For he was as one who strove to be good enough,

24 Yet could not grasp that which he desired.

25 And in the bitterness of his soul, he spake, saying, "No soul hath truly cherished me for mine own essence."

26 And he wandered in the shadow of his thoughts, as one forsaken in a desolate wild.

27 His heart bore heaviness, for he sought approval, yet found it naught,

28 And though he toiled to please the eyes of others,

29 He deemed himself ever lacking of merit.

30 He sought love, yet trembled at its approach; he yearned for acceptance, yet thrust it far from his grasp.

31 And lo, within his mind, he was ever burdened, as a weighty yoke unwieldy.

32 He craved to be known, yet concealed himself,

33 For he feared that in being known, he should be cast aside.

34 Thus was his delusion—he believed himself unworthy of love and affection.

35 He questioned the sincerity of those who bestowed kindness upon him,

36 And in his heart, he spurned the love that was laid before him.

37 He spake unto his own soul, "Thou art not worthy, neither canst thou be."

38 And behold, he turned his countenance from the light,

39 Choosing rather to dwell in the shadow of his own doubts and fears.

40 His heart was as a stone, sealed against affection,

41 For he placed not faith in the love of others, nor trusted the kindness extended unto him.

42 And lo, he spake, "Though they express love now, their hearts shall soon grow cold;

43 For I am but a fleeting shadow, and they shall forget me."

44 Oft did he converse with himself thus, and his heart was sore vexed.

45 For though he yearned for love, he believed it could ne'er be his.

46 He abhorred his own visage, deeming himself unworthy of goodness.

47 He measured his worth by the world's cruel standards, and found himself lacking.

48 He gazed upon the visages of those who esteemed him,

49 And mused, "They know me not; had they known, they would turn away."

50 Thus did he fortify his heart, forbidding the entrance of love.

51 He declared, "Better to dwell in solitude than to be forsaken;

52 Better to keep mine own counsel than to trust in others' affection."

53 Yet deep within his soul, he longed for love,

54 Though he would not confess it nor utter it aloud.

55 His heart was rent, for he sought that which he feared,

56 And pined for that which he deemed beyond grasp.

57 Thus did Calem abide, caught betwixt hope and despair,

58 Trusting in neither, yet coveting both.

59 He raised walls 'round his heart, and none could pass through,

60 For he placed not trust in the might of love,

61 Nor did he heed the constancy of those who cherished him.

62 He doubted the veracity of all affection,

63 And thus he barred himself from the joy love could bestow.

64 He feared the sting of rejection more than he craved love's sweetness.

65 Hence he dwelt in solitude, though many would have drawn near.

66 His misbelief was a chain about his neck,

67 And his sorrow weighed heavily upon his soul.

68 Yet in his heart, he knew not that true love endureth forever, and doth not fade.

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