The sound of a crowd clapping, cheering, crying.
The sound of his own heart pounding.
He shoved the microphone at his chest, as if they could hear it as well as he could.
They cheered louder, his ears almost rang at the sound.
He loved them.
He loved their cheers.
He loved their voices.
He loved the sound of his own heart.
Tyler awoke with a jolt, gripping onto his chest.
He listened intently, but to no avail.
Silence.
Only his thoughts.
He pressed his hand deep into his chest to feel his heartbeat. He almost doubted it was still there.
He felt a gentle, but steady thump thump thump against his hand.
His breathing slowed, and he laid on his back, staring at the ceiling. He could see them; the lights, the stage, the fans. He missed them so badly.
He would never get to go back.
And he wished he'd cherished it better, because he was beginning to forget how it felt.
He reached his hands up to his eyes, rubbing them until they hurt. Tears attempted to fill his eyes, but he didn't have the energy to let them out. He had cried enough; and now he was too tired.
He sat up, deciding he would no longer be able to fall asleep, although it was only three in the morning, much before he'd usually wake.
However, he was too restless, thinking too much to even imagine sleeping soundly.
Sliding himself out of bed, he made his way over to the mirror in his room- Josh's guest bedroom.
He was growing tired of not sleeping in his own room; Josh hadn't trusted him to go home on his own. Tyler knew exactly why and it angered him to no end.
Staring at his broken reflection, he let his mind hurl insults and regrets at him. And now, he could no longer turn to music to shut them out. He was forced to listen to their voices.
He glanced away from the mirror, staring at the notebook which sat on the nightstand. He had almost forgotten about Ella.
His hands moved slowly as he tried to remember some of the signs. After messing up a couple of times, he gave himself a quick, frustrated slap in the face.
I'm no good at this, he thought to himself; but the voices had already told him that. He was beginning to think he should just listen to them.
When were they wrong?
His posture sunk as he stared at his sad form in the darkness. He reached up to touch his face, verifying that it was still his own; he didn't recognise himself anymore.
When morning arrived, he was still wide awake; he had decided to sit out in the kitchen to avoid becoming more depressed in his dark room.
He sat at the counter, legs kicking as he stared down at the notepad; the cursed object. He hated it, he had tried to rid himself of it.
But the sad reality was that he needed it now.
He fidgeted with his pen, taking off the lid, putting it back on...again and again. He was waiting for Josh to wake up and exit his room; he needed to talk to him.
He still felt bad about yesterday.
"Tyler, please! I just want to help."
Josh followed his friend to his bedroom. He tried to slam the door but Josh got in the way.
"Tyler..." he muttered with a sigh. He reached for the notebook, but Tyler refused to hand it over.
He was beginning to lose his cool; Tyler had been nothing but difficult, and, though he understood perfectly why, it was getting hard to not be able to use his voice to console him.
He gave up, opening a sharpie and writing on his own hand, front to back.
'You need to eat. You need to shower. You need to accept help.'
He showed Tyler his hand, and he smacked it away quickly after reading.
"Leave..." Tyler muttered, biting his lip at the discomfort of not hearing his own words, before he screamed. "Leave me alone!"
It was then that he learned that screaming he could feel. The vibrations shook through his chest and his lungs ached.
Josh's expression changed from startled to angry in a matter of seconds.
"You think I want to deal with this?" He said in a shaky voice. "Fine, I'll leave you alone."
Tyler gave him a questioning look as he turned and stomped out of the room. Tyler followed behind only to watch Josh slam the front door behind him.
He wanted to chase after him, perhaps shouting "Wait, I didn't hear what you said!" But to do so would only be a far-fetched dream.
Instead, he lowered himself onto the couch, head in his hands as he regretted the distorted being he was becoming.
He took the lid off of his pen again, taking a moment to think before the words poured out onto the paper.
Listen Josh...
I'm sorry.
He stopped himself; he didn't have the energy to say much more. He didn't feel like pouring his heart out, explaining how hard this was for him.
He just didn't feel like explaining the dread he felt the moment he opened his eyes in the morning.
The longing his lungs felt now that they couldn't sing, the ache of his hands that wanted to play an instrument he couldn't hear.
The torture of a mind that could no longer block out the voices, and the overwhelming urge to end the silence for once and for all.
He left it at that, closing the pen as Josh entered the room. He stood in the doorway, frozen, and Tyler knew he was hoping not to see his face yet.
It was okay; he wouldn't want to either.
With a sheepish smile, he slid the notepad across the counter. Josh reluctantly stepped over, looking down at it to read.
The shirtless man reached for the pen, which Tyler hesitantly gave to him.
As he wrote for a moment, Tyler took a peek or two at the paper. He didn't seem angry, at least.
Josh gave him back the notepad when he was finished.
It's O.K. You're my best friend. But I can't help if you don't let me. How about some food and a shower?
Pretty please? :)
Tyler couldn't help but smile a little, before nodding at his friend, whose expression now matched his own.
YOU ARE READING
silent // tyler jøseph
Fanfiction"and nøw i just sit in silence." in which the singer of twenty one pilots loses his hearing, ultimately losing his ability to do everything that he loves. after tyler's best friend decides that he needs help, he hires a woman to teach him sign lang...
