Drunk In Love (Crushing Hard Series Book 3)

Dear Diary:20/03/2019

Wednesday

It’s been a while since I’ve written, but let me just get straight to it—I am so stressed. I still haven’t gotten my period, and I haven’t told Kevin yet. I just can't deal with his negativity right now. I know he won’t be happy about this, and honestly, neither of us knows for sure yet. I haven’t taken a test, but deep down, I know. My body feels different—wrong, almost. I’ve been feeling this unexplained nausea, and it’s the worst. Every time I smell meat, I feel like I’m going to throw up. The only thing I can stomach is fruit, and I can’t seem to get enough of it. It’s weird—people at work think I’m on some health kick because I’m sitting at my desk with an assortment of fruit every single day. I can’t even go near the canteen because the smell of people’s lunches—ugh, I can’t take it.

And my boobs. God, they feel so heavy and ache all the time. You know that amazing feeling when you take your bra off at the end of the day? It’s supposed to feel like this massive relief, but lately, even that hurts. I can’t get comfortable anymore, no matter what I do. And don’t even get me started on the exhaustion. I used to be able to stay up until 1 a.m. and wake up at 6 a.m. like it was nothing. But now? Now, I’m struggling to stay awake past 9 p.m., and I feel tired all the time, sluggish like I’m dragging myself through the day. It’s like my body isn’t my own anymore—it’s doing things I don’t recognize, and I feel so weak. Something is definitely up.

But the worst part is I’m petrified to even think about telling Kevin. I know he’s going to be mad, probably accuse me of doing this on purpose, like I’ve somehow sabotaged our future. He’ll say this ruins the big five-year plan we’ve worked so hard to stick to. It’s funny, because people who have way less than Kevin and I do have unexpected pregnancies and manage just fine. So why am I so worried about his reaction? Why is that the first thing on my mind when I haven’t even let myself process how I feel about this?

I think I’m in major denial. Yup. Denial, plain and simple. I keep pushing it aside, telling myself it’s not real, but deep down, I know it is. Sometimes when I’m alone, I’ll catch myself laying a hand on my stomach, almost instinctively. For that split second, I’ll let my guard down, and something softens inside me. I won’t say it out loud, but... I know. I know it’s happening, and deep down, a part of me—an honest part of me—is happy. This could be my baby. My baby. The thought of that stirs something warm and protective in me. I feel like if this is real, I’ll love this baby more than anything. I’ll protect it no matter what.

But that scares me too—because if I admit that, then it’s real, and there’s no going back. And if Kevin reacts the way I think he will... how am I going to handle that? How am I going to choose between what he wants and what I already feel growing inside me?

I don’t know. I’m scared to death. But the truth is, I think I already love this baby.