Drunk In Love (Crushing Hard Series Book 3)

Dear Diary: 23/06/2019

Sunday

I need to find my own place. This realization hit me this weekend. On Saturday, my mom and I went into town to get my hair and nails done. I hadn’t been to a salon in months; I’d been recycling the same tired wig for weeks. So, I decided to try something new—these cute "sweet and sour" braids, with cornrows on top and loose braids down the back. I paired that with a fresh nude gel color on my nails and white on my toes. When we were done, I felt brand new, like myself again.

Afterward, we grabbed lunch, and everything was going great—until we had to cross the street. My mom, in her over-the-top, sentimental way, suddenly reached for my hand. My hand, like I was five. I yanked it back instinctively and shot her a look.

“What are you doing?” I asked, half laughing.

“I don’t know,” she said with that exaggerated smile she gets when she thinks she's being cute. "It just feels like my little girl is back! You’re home more, and I’m pampering you…”

“Mom!” I groaned. “I’m not six!”

She laughed, and we crossed the street, but inside I was screaming. That settled it. I really, really need to move out.

I can’t keep living like this.

I’ve also been thinking about Scott. God, Scott. Talking to him every day on WhatsApp only makes things worse. He’s been on a business trip since Wednesday, and he’s not coming back until tomorrow—Monday. That feels like forever. Honestly, I didn’t expect to miss him this much. But when I wake up knowing I won’t see him at work, the day feels dull. Empty, even.

Normally, I’m a social butterfly in the office, bouncing around, making small talk wherever I go. But without Scott there, it’s like the color drains from the room. I didn’t even bother doing my makeup or dressing up for work—what was the point if he wasn’t going to be there to see it? I just went through the motions, counting down the hours until Monday when he’d be back. That’s not normal, right? To feel like this about someone you’re "just friends" with?

And Scott—he watches me. I know he doesn’t think I notice, but I do. When I get up from my desk or walk to the ladies’ room, I can feel his eyes on me. Like he can’t help it. I miss that, too. It’s weird, right? Missing being watched?

There’s this French saying: tu me manques. It translates to "I miss you," but it’s deeper than that. It literally means "you are missing from me." It’s like saying you’re a part of me, and without you, I’m not whole. That’s what this feels like with Scott—like I’m incomplete without him. But I can’t love him. That’s not possible…is it? No. It’s not love. It can’t be.

Later that night…

So, I ended up texting Scott on WhatsApp. It started off innocent enough, but then...well, it escalated.

Scott: Why are you kind of happy I’m back tomorrow? 🤔

Me: Just, the office hasn’t been the same. I’ve had no one to talk to or joke with.

Scott: 😅 Are you saying what I think you’re saying?

Me: What do you think I’m saying, Scott? 🙄

Scott: That you missed me 😏

Me: 🖐 Relax. We’re not those kind of friends. I’m just saying your absence was noted.

Scott: In other words, you missed me 😁. Don’t be embarrassed, T. I missed you too.

(My heart flipped. I swear, I was grinning so hard I thought my face might split in two. I felt like I was floating off the bed, but my blanket was keeping me tethered to Earth.)

Me: You did? ☺️

Scott: Yes 🙈. Turns out, I don’t like being away from you. Is that weird to say?

(I could barely contain my excitement. I felt like I was glowing, literally glowing.)

Me: No, and don’t ever repeat what I’m about to say to anyone, or I will beat you to a pulp—but I missed you. A lot. 😩 Let’s not do this whole "distance thing" again, okay? I can’t handle it.

Scott: Do you think other friends feel this way about each other?

Me: Of course. This is all totally normal 😬.

And that was it. We just kept chatting after that, and I mentioned that I was thinking about getting my own place. I’ve never lived alone before, ever. It’s always been with my mom, then straight to Kevin. But now, the thought of living on my own is exciting. Scott was supportive, as usual.

Anyway, tomorrow is Monday, and I’m so excited to see Scott again.

God, I really need to figure out what this is. Whatever it is.

Night night.

Sweet dreams.