Drunk In Love (Crushing Hard Series Book 3)

Dear Diary: 08/05/2019

Wednesday

I’ve barely held it together this week. Honestly, I’m not sure how I’ve managed to get through an eight-hour shift at work, only to come home and fall apart completely. It’s like I’m on autopilot—going through the motions until I walk through the front door, and then everything crashes down on me.

You know that feeling when you’re so upset that you stop caring who knows what’s going on? That has been me. I found myself in the toilets in the office again, crying my eyes out. Thuli and Vuyiswa were there, offering their own brand of comfort, saying things like, “All men are the same, girl. It doesn’t matter who they are, they’re always thinking with their genitals.” They meant well, but I was beyond caring. The pile of work on my desk? Didn’t matter. The fact that everyone could see my red, puffy eyes? Didn’t matter.

How could this be my life? How can this be Kevin and I? He didn’t betray me, right? But I kept going back and forth between anger, longing, sadness, and then this numbness. It was like watching someone else’s life unfold, not mine. .

Scott has even followed me in to the toilets the other day. He didn't need to ask what was going on. Everyone at the office was aware that I had ended my engagement. He just held me while I cried, not saying a word, letting me wipe my tears on his shirt. I needed that—the warmth, the comfort. Being close to him made the ache in my chest feel a little less sharp. But when he had to leave for a meeting, the second his arms were gone, I felt cold again. The emptiness came rushing back.

Sometimes, I didn’t even make it to the toilets. I’d suddenly realize my cheeks were wet while I was typing on my laptop, the tears falling without me even noticing. But I clung to the anger—that was easier to manage. It kept me going, helped me make it through the day.

I told my mom everything after the therapy session. She was as shocked as I was, struggling to believe Kevin could do something like this. But the part that bothered me the most was how easily he almost crossed that line, how he could come home afterward and act like nothing had happened. It made me wonder if this was the first time. The thought of that scared me. It was like I didn’t even know the person I’d spent the last six years with.

Kevin called me the day after therapy, around 5 p.m. He sounded defeated, like he’d already given up.

“Please don’t do this,” he pleaded. “We can still fix this.”

“No. Leave me alone. We’re done,” I replied, trying to keep my voice steady.

There was a pause. Then he spoke again, his voice thick with emotion. “You can’t just walk away from this. Six years of our lives... Don’t you love me anymore? Don’t you want to fix this?”

“Kevin, stop trying to twist things! I’m not a fool!” I shot back, anger rising in my chest. “You’re not being honest with me, so we have nothing left to talk about. Until you can be real with me, we’re over.”

My hands shook as I said the words, but I meant them. The thing that kept gnawing at me was that I would never know the full truth. Did he really stop himself before things went too far, or did something happen? I’d always wonder. All I had to go on was his word, and right now, that didn’t mean anything to me.

After that, he tried everything to get me to reconsider. He promised he’d change, that he’d do anything to make it right, but when I didn’t give in, he turned to accusing me of seeing someone else. When that didn’t work, he started saying he wouldn’t give up on us. But through it all, he couldn’t give me what I needed—the truth.

Then today, I was even more distracted at work. I kept checking my phone, talking with Kevin’s mom. She told me he’d been acting out of desperation, saying he couldn’t live with the idea that he hurt me, and that if I didn’t take him back, he didn’t want to go on. His family was really worried about him.

I told Scott about it over lunch, hoping he’d understand. But he was frustrated.

“Thandi, he’s trying to manipulate you. Don’t you see it?” he said, his voice tight with anger. “He’s playing on your emotions to make you feel guilty enough to come back to him.”

“You’re probably right, but... I don’t want him to do something drastic, Scott. Maybe I should just go see him, make sure he’s okay?” I asked, feeling uncertain.

Scott looked at me for a long moment, frustration flashing across his face. “Fine. Do whatever you want, Thandi,” he said, his voice sharp, before getting up and walking away, leaving his lunch untouched. I just sat there, stunned. What had I said wrong?

After having the afternoon to think it over, I decided not to go. When Kevin found out I wasn’t coming, he lashed out, accusing me of not caring about him. His behavior has been nothing short of shocking. I never thought we’d end up in a situation like this, but I’m starting to think maybe I made the right decision. He’s showing me who he really is, and it’s not someone I can trust.

Maybe it’s time I stop trying to fix this and start moving on.