Drunk In Love (Crushing Hard Series Book 3)

Dear Diary:30/03/2019

Saturday

I moved out of Kevin’s today. The decision weighed heavily on me, but I knew I couldn’t stay any longer. After everything that had happened, it just didn’t make sense to pretend everything was fine. When I told him, the look on his face was a mixture of confusion and desperation, and I hated that it hurt me so much.

“Thandi, please don’t go,” he pleaded, his voice thick with emotion as he stepped closer. “I love you. I didn’t want it to come to this. We can work things out.”

I took a deep breath, feeling my heart pound in my chest. “Do you even know if you ever planned to marry me?” I asked, my voice steady but fierce.

His eyes flickered, and for a moment, I saw uncertainty. “I don’t know,” he said softly, almost defeated.

“Then why pay lobola? Why buy the engagement ring?” I pressed, the frustration bubbling to the surface. “Why keep up this farce if you never had any intention of marrying me? Why string me along for years?”

“I thought the ring would be enough to show you I’m serious,” he said, his voice shaking. “I thought that would be enough for you to understand that I love you.”

“And why did you pay lobola?” I shot back, my heart racing. “Was that just to satisfy my dad? It all feels so empty now. So meaningless.”

He looked wounded, and I could see the conflict in his eyes. “I paid it because it’s tradition,” he insisted, his voice rising slightly. “I wanted to honor that, even if I’m still figuring things out.”

“Honoring tradition isn’t enough if you can’t even commit to the person you’re with,” I replied, feeling anger and hurt collide in my chest. “If you’re not ready now, then you never will be. I can’t wait for you anymore. I deserve better than this. My child deserves better.”

The reality of my words seemed to hit him hard. “You’re leaving me? Just like that?” His voice cracked, and I could hear the heartbreak in it.

“I love you, Kevin. I love you so much, but I can't do this anymore,” I continued, my heart pounding in my ears. I watched as his face drained of color, the realization dawning on him.

“Thandi, please,” he begged, his voice barely above a whisper. “I love you. I don’t want to lose you.”

“You already lost me,” I said, shaking my head as I turned back to packing my things. “I can’t do this anymore. I can’t raise a child in a home where there’s uncertainty about love and commitment. I won’t force you to raise a child together.”

He sagged against the counter, the weight of my words crushing him. “What about everything we’ve built?”

I felt a pang of regret at the pain in his voice, but I couldn’t let it sway me. “That future is slipping away because you can’t see how much this hurts me. I’ve never doubted us, Kevin. Not once. You changed that on Sunday. You changed everything.”

“You can’t just decide you want out.”

“I need to think about my child,” I replied, grabbing the last of my things. “And I need to think about myself. You’re not the only one who gets to make decisions about this relationship.”

As I walked toward the door, I could feel the tears threatening to spill over. Kevin stood there, watching me with an expression of heartbreak that made it hard to breathe. “You don’t have to do this,” he whispered, but his voice felt distant, as if he were already losing me.

“I have to,” I said, my voice shaking as I left my key on the counter. I stepped outside, my heart pounding in my chest.

Now I’m at my mom’s house. She didn’t ask what happened, and I’m grateful for that. I excused myself and went to my room, where the dam broke. I collapsed onto the bed, sobbing uncontrollably.

There’s a gaping hole in my chest that feels like it will never heal. I cried for Kevin, for the life we had tried to build together. I cried for my child, who would never know the warmth of a two-parent household. I cried for myself, mourning the dreams I had held onto so tightly, now slipping through my fingers like sand. The reality of it all was suffocating, and I felt so alone in a world that had turned upside down in just a few short days.