Short poems aimed to describe the feeling of losing someone without really losing them, but yourself. And how painful it can be to discover that even to your own self, your past version will never come back. All that's left is the current version, l...
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What do I do with all these feelings inside me? I don't want to sound crazy to anyone But I can't lie, I missed a part of me that night Before dawn came out, sitting in my red chair Tears popping out of nowhere, I saw his death And I couldn't believe it, I still don't do it But my heart is broken, and even if it's a small part It was enough to put me talking to God again To ask him to remove this feeling But yet again I know, if he does so I'd be losing the only connection I felt With my own self, for so long It's been a decade and now I see her better And I sat down trying to explain to her Oh, my little self, she's destroyed Walking on eggshells, I grab her hands And as I realized we aren't that different I tell her she's finally where she wanted to be Perhaps not in the circumstances she prayed for But she's fine, and healthy Then I proceed to tell her that he died This man who was part of her childhood Has gone for good And as much as I'm an adult now Is me who's crying inside this body It's that little girl of nine years old Who saw him for the first time It's that little girl of eleven years old Who would listen to their voices Whenever her parents were fighting It's that teenager of thirteen years old Who hold her tears back in highschool When the band was getting separated It's that teenager of fourteen years old Who had to wait a whole year For all of them to come back, someday To reconcile and recover what it seemed Would never be lost But today, just today It's all of these girls inside my grown body Of twenty two years old Crying because one of those guys is dead I'm conflicted because how can this hurt The way it does, so weirdly reasonable When I never saw him? Never touched him? When I just can't call him a friend? Why does it feel so personal and so vividly burning In my chest and in the bottom of my heart? How can I explain to people, let alone myself That I've been crying for three nights now And that I don't know for how many more Will I stay up late until I can catch a dream? Is this how it feels like to lose someone That's so dearly to you? And that you're so thankful to? Is this how it feels to lose a friend That has always been there for you Even when you couldn't, for obnoxious reasons? What is it like to be sitting in the dark Without being afraid? A experience I had always felt But now I felt at peace because two souls Are taking care of me And his death was necessary for me To reconnect with what I thought, was dead in me Was long gone and lost, my joys and my memories Those I tried not to hold onto, yet Is all I have now to keep him alive in my heart Those moments that shine So bright in the back of my mind That little girl told me to speak to God again Like how I used to before losing hope Before losing them Before losing my innocence And I'm not sure if that little girl is proud of me I'm sure that teenager is judging me But what I know is that I'll start to take care of myself Because this is the time where I realize I'm just busted in feelings of longing For the one that is gone, and for that childhood I so much treasure in my heart To continue with my daily life I pray for his soul and I pray he knows How thankful I am for his words and his voice Starting right when my favorite songs plays out loud And if there's a next life I wish for nothing But to cross path with him Remembering this life and thanking him That he saved my life in the darkest of the days As dark as a child can perhaps remember And to tell him that in this new life I could be his savior too And we can all do things right from the beginning Because no one is attempting to end On such an emotional spiral On thoughts wrapping you But we do, oh we do Because we can't stop the mourning And the feeling of losing someone We carry with this pain long enough This made me forget about my own self And thanks to his soul being now on heaven Is it that I'm recovering the contact with that little girl Filled of hopes and dreams How do you ever thank someone for that? You just can't, you just promise And you just wait and hope for the best.
