Diary of a Kpop idol

Chapter 25

I’ve been thinking a lot about what to write next in my journal, and I finally decided on a topic. I’m going to write about my one and only ex.

Starting from the beginning, I’ll try to capture each little interaction we had, as I remember it. Let’s start with the names we had for each other. He called me by a lot of nicknames – bae, baby, dear, love, sweetheart. But when he was jealous or upset, he would call me by my real name. For me, there was only one nickname I ever used for him, and I loved it: Ahjussi.

I first met Taehyung when I was visiting Jungkook: Koo, at his company. From BTS’s debut album, '2 Cool 4 Skool', to 'The Most Beautiful Moment in Life, Pt. 1', I was there to watch every comeback stage. I would go at least once for every song. I might even count as one of BTS’s first fans, since I already had a favorite member from the beginning, and it’s still the same to this day. My favorite member is Suga. I even have all their albums, I bought them to support my cousin, Koo.

Speaking of albums, I also have the full album collections of BTS, NCT, BigBang, and Ariana Grande. I’ve supported them purely because I love them, even though no one seems to believe that I actually own every NCT sub-unit albums.

Even though I was close to Koo, I always felt a strange nervousness around Taehyung. It’s hard to say exactly when it started, but somewhere along the way, I grew afraid of him, especially when I’d see him and Koo together after I returned to Seoul. Before coming back I still traveled back to Seoul from time to time, attended a few BTS concerts, and we’d run into each other occasionally, but it was always quick and distant – just a polite hello, nothing more.

Just before joining OnA and the girl group project, UIP, Suga gifted me a plushie, and all the BTS members, through Koo, gave me a box filled with a journaling book, a Polaroid camera, a pen, and a water bottle. That day, I remember I was wearing white fur pants and a light blue sweater with my hair in pigtails. When we were dating, Ahjussi told me that, seeing me that day, he thought of a polar bear.

Later, I asked Ahjussi if he could take care of Taeha, even though I was afraid of him. I didn’t even have his contact information – that was only shared between Xingyi and his manager.

Then there was the time Jimin and I acted together in the drama 'The First Love'. Taehyung visited the set a few times, and we exchanged a quick greeting, but we didn’t want to stir up any rumors, so we kept it brief.

One of my favorite interactions was at an awards show when we sang 'Woman Like Me'. In the last chorus, I got into it,, climbing to the chair, throwing confetti at the camera, and eye-rolling at the lyrics, acting like I was in my own world. I looked down to catch another camera’s angle, and there was Taehyung, right in front of me. I was startled but played it cool and kept singing. But I couldn’t help it; afterward, I was nervous and had to calm myself. To make things worse, initially, BTS was not behind us, but they had swapped seats. After the performance, my members couldn’t stop teasing me about my reaction. I felt embarrassed, but I eventually apologized to Taehyung for the whole scene after going back to my seats and I was embarrassed so I ignored all of them, tho Koo tried to converse to ease the tension.

As time went on, I started working with BTS on 'Dynamite'. Being involved in the process, even just giving feedback when producing, was so much fun, and I felt a closer connection with all the members. If I had to describe my relationship with each of them:

- Namjoon: Like a father figure. I look up to him, and he treats me almost like a daughter.
- SeokJin: The same as RM, he’s like a father figure to me.
- Suga: My ultimate bias. I adore him. I think he sees me as a pet; he’d always ruffle my hair, looking at me like a grandpa doting on a granddaughter.
- Hobi: Kind and hilarious. He’s like sunshine, always making me laugh and lifting the mood. He also treats me like a little sister. We have great chemistry when making choreography.
- Jimin: My buddy. We could talk for hours, all night if we had to, and never run out of things to say.
- Taehyung: I was afraid of him, especially after that award show, where people started shipping us instead of hating or calling harsh things as expected.
- Jungkook: My cousin, Koo. He’s like a brother. We’ve always been close, and cuddling with him has always been my way of recharging.

After all these scattered interactions, Taehyung and I ended up taking a trip to Daegu to pick up Taeha. This helped us finally break through the awkwardness. I even had to feed him snacks on the road to avoid him dirtying the steering wheel.

One day, I scolded our dogs, Yeontan and Taeha, for spooking me, calling them “Kim Yeontan, Lee Taeha!” But after the accident and some time spent recuperating, I participated in a survival program where I had to spend seven days in a village without money or a phone. We were finally comfortable enough to be friends after that experience.

By February 2022, I visited Taehyung’s place to pick up Taeha, and just as I was there, he found out he tested positive for COVID-19. He wanted me to leave, but I stayed. He seemed hesitant, but eventually, he hugged me and said, “You’re so good.” It felt like a turning point. I ended up staying to take care of him for a week.

Our bond strengthened after that. He asked me out at the end of February, but I rejected him twice before finally agreeing to date online with minimal, discreet meetups. We went on our first official date in early March, sneaking into a movie theater in disguise. It was strange but exciting.

Through those months, we had secret dates – either at his apartment, mine, or occasionally in his car. He would surprise me with gifts, like a necklace, and we’d have quiet nights watching movies or doing karaoke.

In April, I performed solo songs at Coachella, and I used our relationship as the inspiration for my song, 'First Love'. Taehyung called afterward, teasingly asking if the song was about him.

Our relationship stayed a secret until August. Right before a group interview in the U.S., Taehyung called me. His voice was tense when he said, “Let’s break up.” I laughed at first, thinking he was joking, but he was serious. He explained that he felt I hadn’t met him halfway and that he deserved someone who made him feel valued, not just tolerated.

And that was the end.

Looking back, there were so many sweet moments, but ultimately, it wasn’t meant to last. I’ll always treasure those times, even if they’re just memories now.