Mama's Little Girls

fourteen

Onika Maraj
24 May 2019
Midtown Condo

Sinking into the softness of the couch, I tried hard to come to terms with my current situation.  The world felt unbearably heavy, like a weight I couldn't shake.

Alani, Porsha and I sat in my living room, after indulging in some Chinese food. The same Chinese food that Beyoncé had introduced to me.

I felt the gentle touch of Alani's hand on my back, as her other wrapped around a wine glass. "So, you like her that much?" She asked me.

My face ached with any type of movement from my previous breakdown, before getting our food. "I fell in love with her."

"Oh, Nicki." Alani pouted.

Porsha squeezed my knee, her presence grounding and steady as she offered her silent support.

Was she right the entire time?

I doubted her judgement, not allowing her words to sever the bond I'd grown with Beyoncé. But, now that everything had fallen apart, maybe her words and opinions had actual weight and meaning.

"Sweetie, this was supposed to be a fun thing, not a love thing." Alani softly spoke to me, not a hint of judgement in her words.

"I know." I shook my head, biting down on the insides of my cheeks. "Go ahead, Porsh. Tell me 'I told you so'."

"Oh, girl, you know I'm not gonna do that." Porsha shut that down, taking a hold of my hand. "It's just good that you found out now."

I nodded, taking her words in. "I'm with Porsha on this." Alani added. "Nicki, this girl was probably just after your money."

That's when I had to disagree. Despite what had come out about Beyoncé, that not the kind of person she was. Well, that's not how she portrayed herself.

"She wasn't even like that." I defended her. "You know, you guys, she was a hard worker. And she treated—" I paused to try rationalise everything I knew. "God, she treats those girls like they are princesses."

They both took in what I was saying. As Alani sipped her wine, Porsha spoke again. "Well, let's not forget she has a record."

That made me scoff, at myself. "How did I not know she was lying?" I questioned, as memories of our times together flashed through my mind.

"Because she's probably really good at it. They all are." Porsha spoke, trying to make me feel better, but it was working.

Nothing was adding up to me.

"It's like I'm hearing it, you guys, and I'm trying to understand, but I just—" I shook my head, using my hands to convey my confusion. "It doesn't make sense. You know?"

I looked at the both of them, hoping they weren't just hearing my words, but they were listening to them too.

"And I can't make my brain believe that it was all a lie." My voice cracked and I felt my hands begin to shake.

I knew the tears would fall any second, but I needed them at bay, until I could fully understand what was happening.

"Is it as bad as it sounds?" I asked Porsha and Alani.

Silence engulfed us, which didn't paint the prettiest picture to me. My eyes darted between the both of them, particularly lingering on Alani, because I knew her honesty came from a place that excluded judgment.

"Honey," She said, sighing, "It's as bad as it sounds."

Hearing her say that forced my tears to fall and I exhaled. My chest rose and fell, as my breathing fluctuated.