Kissing the Demon (Seoksoo)

Seokmin

We didn't revisit Joshua's idea or my reluctance to discuss it again. That didn't stop me from thinking about it though. It was on my mind during every hour I spent on the soggy rugby pitch. Through every detention I supervised and meeting I sat through. I found myself covertly researching gym equipment and putting together potential class schedules. Part of me was tempted to ask Joshua for advice. Not necessarily for him to be an investor but to point me in the right direction regarding loans and things like that. It was a door I was too scared to open while we were fucking around.

Because we still were. Even with the walls I seemed to unconsciously reinforce every day, we were still getting each other off as often as we could. In those quiet moments after, when our eyes met, our chests heaving, I could see the words forming on Joshua's lips. When I knew he was about to ask what was happening between us. To wonder where my head was at.

Or maybe to tell me he was done. That I wasn't enough for him. Or that he couldn't be bothered to hang around while I got my head on straight and figured out what I wanted.

None of those were things I was ready to talk about. So I never gave him the chance. I'd silence those words with my lips, distracting him until we were both racing towards another orgasm, or I would get up and dressed to leave. Pretending I couldn't see the confusion in Joshua's eyes. Pretending I didn't want to fall to my knees and beg him to stay with me forever. Pretending I was strong enough to end it before he broke my heart. Pretending I didn't fucking hate myself for not living in the moment and enjoying this while he still wanted me.

I couldn't help it though. It was like there was a clock ticking above us, counting down the minutes until Joshua got bored of me.

A couple of weeks after the gym conversation, I was getting ready to go to dinner at Seungkwan's. When I'd originally accepted the invitation and offered to pick up Joshua on the way, I hadn't realised I'd be in the middle of a self-hatred storm that would make me question everything. What was originally a simple hangout with friends and the guy I was banging felt a lot more like a double date. Seungkwan had assumed Joshua and I would arrive together. Hell, so had I. It made sense, given how much time we'd spent with each other lately.

Now though, that assumption felt like a rope slowly tightening around my neck.

And I wasn't sure how to untie the knot.

When I arrived at Joshua's house, I didn't get out of the car to go to his door like I usually did, texting him instead to let him know I was outside. My throat tightened as he appeared and gave me a cheery wave. He was dressed in denim dungarees that ended a few inches past his bottom, red tights encasing his slim legs and keeping out the chill of the spring evening. Under his dungarees, he wore a long-sleeved tight shirt in a deep navy blue. He shrugged into his coat as he rushed to the car, his smile never wavering.

"Wonder what's on the menu tonight?" he said as a way of greeting as he slid into the car. He didn't wait for me to reply, leaning over for a quick peck before launching into a story about a prank he and Soonyoung had played on Seungcheol earlier that day.

I listened with half an ear, nodding and laughing in what I hoped were the right places. I didn't contribute anything more meaningful. My mind was still stuck on the look of joy Joshua had had on his face when he opened his door. He looked so happy to see me. He always did. How long would it be before that look faded?

I didn't realise that he'd stopped talking until I pulled up outside the bookshop and switched the engine off. The silence that filled the car was deafening. I could feel Joshua's gaze burning into the side of my face, but I couldn't bring myself to look at him. I was too weak.

"Are we going to talk about whatever's going on in your head?" Joshua asked, his voice hollow.

I opened my door, speaking as I got out. "Everything's fine. Come on. They'll be waiting for us."