Kissing the Demon (Seoksoo)

Seokmin

I didn't get a wink of sleep that night.

I played Joshua's words over and over again.

He loved me.

He loved me.

Even if I didn't want to believe the words, the way he'd choked them out, tears streaming down his face as though I was gutting him alive, was enough to convince me.

I'd been so scared about getting hurt that I'd managed to hurt the one person who actually mattered to me. I'd pretended I was trying to protect him in the long run, but who was I fooling? Certainly not Joshua, who had rightly called me on my bullshit.

I rubbed a tired hand over my face before checking my phone. No notifications. Disappointment swirled within me, even though Joshua had been clear I needed to reach out first. And it wasn't like Seungkwan would want to speak to me after the way I'd spoken to him last night.

The second the door closed behind Joshua, I realised what a horrific mistake I'd made. I'd stood there while the man of my dreams poured his heart out at my feet, and what had I done?

Nothing.

Less than nothing. I'd let him walk away from me. No, I'd made him walk away from me. Joshua was kind, funny, caring, fiercely protective, and loyal. He listened to me prattle on about my interests, met my needs in the bedroom, and pushed me to pursue the path that would make me happy.

And what had I done for him?

I racked my brain. Aside from cooking him a few meals and trying to please him in bed...what was I actually bringing to the relationship?

Before I could get too up in my head again, I checked the time and dialled Mom's number. She was an early riser, and sure enough, she answered the phone quickly.

"Seokmin! It's a surprise to hear from you this early. Is everything okay?"

I opened my mouth to say yes, but instead, a sob burst out. I clapped a hand over my mouth, trying to stop the tears, but it was no good. The full force of what I'd done hit me at the sound of Mom's voice. Joshua had given me nothing but love, and I'd thrown it all back in his face.

"Oh, honey," she said, sympathy and worry in her voice. "Take some deep breaths for me."

She soothed and murmured calming phrases as all the emotions I'd been repressing came flooding out. I wept until my eyes and throat were sore. In a way I hadn't since I was a child.

Eventually, the sobs simmered down to small sniffles and hiccups. Mom waited patiently as I pulled myself together.

"Sorry," I muttered, unrolling some of the toilet roll I'd grabbed from the bathroom and blowing my nose in an ungainly fashion. "I didn't mean to call and then immediately breakdown."

"It's okay," she replied. "I'd rather you call than suffer alone. Can you tell me what's going on?"

"I met someone. He's..." I blew out a breath and fought a fresh round of tears as I tried to put Joshua into words. "Like a bright burst of sunshine. He's funny, witty, perpetually happy, and sassy. He's close with his family, loves to watch Marvel with me, and just wants to be around me all the time."

"He sounds very special."

"He is," I said quietly, my lip trembling.

"Oh, Seokmin," she sighed. "Please don't tell me you didn't do something to hurt that nice young man."

"I didn't mean to," I whispered. "I was just so scared he would leave me that I..."

"You pushed him away." It wasn't a question. "Tell me something, do you love him?"