Never Have I Ever- STEPHANIE ALVES

Don't look in the bag (Rosalie)

 Maybe I was wrong to ask Leila for help. She definitely knows something's different with me, as if asking her to help me buy lingerie wasn't suspicious enough. The pair she picked out for me is cute, though. I wonder what it will look like on me. It's not like I have anyone to wear it for. Maybe if Grayson hadn't rejected me, I'd have worn it for him. I can't help but think of his reaction to me wearing this. Would he be shocked, turned on? I don't know. They barely cover anything, but I guess that's the point. Looks over comfort. I can't help but feel deflated over the fact that no one will see them. I could buy it for myself to make myself feel sexy, but that's not the point of lingerie. It's to make you feel what it does to the other person. Having their eyes on you like you're a meal they want to devour, that's what I want. And Grayson is reluctant to give it to me. Even though he's willing to help me with everything else I asked him, this one thing he won't give me. "Hey, angel." I snap my head up, seeing Grayson Carter leaning against his car door, smirking at me as he finishes off his cigarette and throws the butt end away. Did I summon him with my thoughts? Leila and I separated when she went back to her dorm room. Thank God. Because I didn't really want to explain to her why in the hell GraysonCarter was talking to me and why he just called me angel. What would I even say? That I practically begged him to sleep with me, and he said no, so now he's helping me let go of the girl I was raised to be? How would that even go? I'm not embarrassed to be seen with him, but I'm okay with keeping this a secret. I did a lot of recon on Grayson after the night of the party. I wanted to know everything I could possibly know about him and what he was like. I needed the right person, and Grayson seemed to be that. And so far, he's done well. He took me drinking for the first time. I can't say I was fond of the hangover I got yesterday morning, but knowing I finally let go and was happy for once made it all worth it. I kind of wish Grayson had stayed. I wish I'd woken up with him next to me. I still remember waking up by his side last Friday night when he shook me awake at four in the morning to watch the sunrise. We slept on the hood of his car after talking mindlessly for hours. Which isn't the most comfortable place to fall asleep, but I had never been happier than I did at that moment. I felt a twinge of sadness when he dropped me off at my apartment that same morning. I wanted to spend more time with him, even though we had spent the whole night together, and he took me on my first 'lesson,' I wanted more. I loved the feeling of the adrenaline rush that he gave me when he pressed his foot down and made me fear for my life. But for one second, when he told me to open my eyes, and I focused on the road blurring past me as he sped up faster and faster, I didn't care about it. I didn't care about anything other than that moment. Living in that moment with Grayson by my side, feeling the wind on my skin and the rush of the speed, not knowing what would happen later, just living in that moment. And when Grayson said he would never hurt me, I believed him. I knew deep inside that he'd never hurt me, and that was the scariest thing. I gave my life up on a platter at the hands of a stranger. But whenever I spent time with him, he didn't feel like a stranger. He felt like freedom and liberation. I loved spending time with him, so when I see him outside of my apartment, I can't help but smile. "Hey," I say. "What are you doing here?"He shrugs. "I figured I'd come look for you but it looks like you've been busy." He smirks, looking down at the bags in my hands. He approaches where I'm standing, but then his eyes land on the bouquet of flowers in my arms, and he frowns. "Who bought you flowers?" he asks. "Oh... well, no one. I bought them myself." His eyebrows scrunch. "You bought yourself flowers?" he asks me. "Why?" I avert my eyes from him and look at the flowers in my arms. They're huge daisies that fill out the bouquet so beautifully, and the sight of them makes me happy. "I love flowers," I tell him. "And I don't have anyone to buy them for me, so I buy them myself." I shrug. Maybe it's weird to buy myself flowers, but I love how they look in my apartment, and it's not like I have a boyfriend to get them for me, so I'm the next best thing. "I guess it's a little pathetic," I tell him, feeling my cheeks start to heat. I look up at him, and my eyes instantly lock with his. I look into his dark eyes, wondering how the hell this guy with jet-black hair, dark eyes, and tattoos all over his body makes me feel like this, especially when the sides of his lips turn up into a smile. He's right in front of me. We're so close, and I don't want to look away, so I don't. I keep staring back at him until he clears his throat and takes a step back, putting some well-needed — but unwanted — distance between us. His eyes drift to the bags in my hand. "What did you get?" "It's girl stuff. You don't care about this." He scoffs. "When it comes to you? I do." He reaches into one of the bags and opens it up, laughing at what he finds. "Jeans?" he asks. I shrug. "If we're going to be sleeping together on mountains and the hood of your car, I'd better come prepared." I smile. His eyes widen, and he smirks. Realization dawns on me, and I quickly correct myself. "I meant, sleeping... together. Not sleeping together." He laughs, shaking his head. "Yeah, Rosie. I got it. Don't worry." I let out a breath of relief, and his hand travels to the next bag. I remember what is in that bag and snap it closed. "It's just clothes," I tellhim, not wanting him to see the lingerie that I bought with him in mind. "Rosalie," he says. "Let me see." I smile. "Hey, that rhymed." "What are you hiding in there?" he asks, narrowing his eyes. "It's nothing, really. Just dumb stuff." "Then you won't mind if I see it." He picks up my hand that's clamped shut around the bag and holds it in his hand while his other hand opens the bag. I did say I wanted someone to see it, and while I wasn't really planning on Grayson seeing the underwear in the bag, it's as good as it's going to get. His brows furrow as he looks inside the bag, confused about what it is. His hand reaches inside, and he picks up the bra, lacey and white. His eyes widen when he realizes what it is, and he drops the garment back into the bag. "Oh," he says, clearing his throat. "That's why you didn't want me to see it." I nod, and his jaw clenches as he keeps staring down at the bag, looking at the lacey underwear inside it. "Who did you get them for?" Did he just ask me that? "Just for myself," I tell him. His eyes narrow at me like he sees through my lies. "It's none of your business, really," I say. "You said we weren't ever going there, so I found someone who would." "Someone?" he asks. "Don't tell me it's Ben Reed." He's angry. His jaw is clenched, and his fists are balled up by his side. He doesn't like the thought of anyone else seeing me in this underwear, but he doesn't want to see me in it, either. I turn on my heels and start walking away from him. "Don't walk away from me." I look over my shoulder, seeing him approach me. "You sound awfully jealous for someone who doesn't want anything to do with me." A hand wraps around my arm, and he twists me around, crowding me until I can feel his breath on my skin. "Don't put words in my mouth, Rosie. I never said I wanted nothing to do with you." "You said you didn't want to have sex with me. Same thing." He groaned, wiping a hand down his face. "I'm still helping you, Rosie. I'll still do that for you if you want, but we just... Fuck," he curses, runninga hand through his hair. "I can't. Not with you." My face starts to redden, not because I'm embarrassed but because I'm sick of his excuses. "Why not? What's so different about me that you won't sleep with me?" "Is this really how you want to lose your virginity, Rosie?" he asks me. "With some guy you don't even know, who, according to you, has a fuckedup reputation." "I do know you," I tell him. He's more than the rumors and reputation around here. He shakes his head, scoffing. "You don't know me, angel. Not really. And you definitely didn't know me when you walked in on me and another girl, proposing the idea of us sleeping together all for some dumb list!" My eyes widened as I stepped back from him. I confide in him, and he throws it in my face. I thought he would help me without judgment or restraints, but instead, he just reminded me that he'd sleep with anyone, just not me. I laugh bitterly. "This," I gesture between us, "was a mistake. I shouldn't have asked you for anything." I pull my arm out of his reach and continue walking toward my apartment. "Wait." I ignore him. I keep looking forward, walking toward my apartment, when I feel his hand wrap around my wrist again. He doesn't twist me around this time, just holds me there like he doesn't want to let go. "Please. Don't walk away from me, just let me talk. Let me explain why we can't have sex." He'll give me the same talk he has for weeks. That he just can't. Well, that's not an explanation. It was stupid of me to think I could do this. It's not who I am, no matter how much I want it to be. No matter how much I wanted to step out of being Rosalie Whitton and become someone completely different, I'll never be able to have that. Grayson was my first and last choice. I confided in him when I shouldn't have. I know that now. I won't repeat the same mistake. "We can't have sex," he starts. "I want to. You have no idea how much, but we can't." "Then why don't you?" He has nothing to lose. I'm standing here asking him to take me, to teach me, to let me experience what it's like, and he stillwon't. "Because, Rosie. You're a virgin. And call me a dumb fuck for saying this, but I can't get involved with a virgin, especially not one like you." One like me? "What does that mean?" "It means that you're innocent. I'm guessing you haven't been on a date or been in a relationship." I look at the floor, knowing he's right. "You'll just end up getting the wrong idea." I furrow my brows. "Wrong idea?" He nods. "I know girls. They get attached. They catch feelings and convince themselves they're in love, especially with the guy who took their virginity, and I can't do that to you. This will never go anywhere, and I don't want to hurt you. Ever. So, we can be friends, but we can't get involved like that." "But you sleep with girls all the time, and you're never in a relationship." He sighs. "That's different." "How?" I ask him. "How is asking you to sleep with me, to teach me, different than you hooking up with those girls?" "Because they know what this is. They know it's just sex. No feelings or any of that bullshit." "You don't even believe in love, so what are you so worried about?" He runs his hand through his hair, shaking his head. "I'm worried about you." "Me?" He nods. "Yes. You believe in love. And if we get involved, you'll confuse what it is, you'll confuse attraction for love, and you'll end up getting hurt. I don't want to hurt you. You're too good for that." "Oh my god. Stop." He looks taken aback. "Stop what?" "Stop saying I'm too good or too pure or whatever else you think. I want to learn, and I want you to teach me. I want to do this." "Rosie..." I hold my hand up. "Let me finish." He nods, and I take a deep breath before continuing. "I know what this is. I know it would be just a hookup, and I won't get feelings for you or fall in love with you. Yes, I'm attracted to you, but my life is already set out for me. I won't end up with someonelike you. I'll end up with someone with money who comes from a good family, most likely picked out by my mother. Some hotel owner or whoever else she wants to set me up with, and I'll ultimately go along with it because, like you said, I'm naïve, right?" He shakes his head, taking a step closer to me. "Rosie, I didn't—" "It's okay," I reassure him. "I get it. I am naïve. I've been sheltered all my life, and I want you to help me step out of the shade. To show me the rain, the good, the bad, and the ugly. All of it, and I want it with you." He's quiet for a while, but then he blows out a breath. "Fuck, Rosie. I don't know." I reach out and grab his hand. I clutch it in mine, feeling the coldness of his skin mix with the heat of mine. "Please, just say you'll think about it?" He lets out a breath and shakes his head. He looks down at me, staring into my eyes. "I've done nothing but think about it," he admits. "Then give it a chance. I just want to learn. Please. I trust you." He drops his eyes, frowning a little. "I can't, Rosie. I just can't." He lets his eyes drift closed, pain etched in his brows. Why is he fighting this so hard? "I understand if you don't want me to help you anymore, I get it just —" "No," I interrupt him. "I still want your help. I had fun the other night, and last weekend was... I loved it." His lips curve upwards in a small smile. "Yeah?" I nod. "It was the best. And I like spending time with you, even if it's just as friends." He lets out another breath. "Me too." My chest clenches. I'm so glad he likes hanging out with me because he's become the one thing I have looked forward to recently. "Then don't say no. Not yet. Just think about it. That's all I ask." I look up at him, waiting for him to agree to at least think about it. I get it now, he doesn't want me to catch feelings, and I won't. I can handle them. He sighs. "Okay." "Thank you." His phone rings, and he pulls it out of his back pocket, cursing when he sees who's calling him. "I've got to go. But I'll call you soon." "Okay." He gives me a small smile, then turns around, gets in his car, and leaves.I make my way into the building, unlocking the door once I get to my apartment. I kick off my heels and drop my bags on the couch, wandering into the kitchen to find a vase. I pull out one of the crystal vases my mom bought when she furnished the apartment. I fill it up with water and drop the daisies inside. The flowers make the apartment look so much brighter than before. Maybe Grayson was right. He isn't willing to give me what I want. Even if it ends up being just sex. I think I'll always want more, eventually. I want to know what it's like to fall in love. If I do end up with someone I don't love, at least I'll know what it was like, once in my life. And Grayson can't give me that. He's made it clear that if anything happens, I need to understand it's nothing more than just another lesson. But I can find someone willing to give me everything I want. Love, feelings, the whole lot