Never Have I Ever- STEPHANIE ALVES

The L-Word (Rosalie)

 I'm met with three angry faces. Well, not really angry, more like disappointed. "No." They all say at the same time. My shoulders slump. "Why not?" "Because you'd be working for someone else." Gabi nods. "And all your designs would be under someone else's name," she says. Leila puts her hand on my shoulder and frowns. "This isn't what you wanted, Rosie." I sigh. I've been trying to rack my brain with what to do for the past two weeks. I was given a month, so time's running out, and I need to make a decision. I need to know if this job is the right thing for me to do or if my friends are right. "It's going to be a long way away until I launch my own brand." "Yeah, but you wanted to go to college, right?" Madi asks. I nod. "Then do that," Leila says. "You wanted this for years, Rosie, and now you want to abandon it?" "Yeah, but Paris—" "Will still be there when you graduate," she finishes. "But the job offer won't be," I tell her."You don't need that job offer," Gabi says. "That was the first one, and there will be plenty more if you want it. But you want to create your own line with your own designs and your own name," she says. That's true. I do want that. I want to create and design the clothes and be in charge of the whole operation, I do. But working for a designer like Emily Livingston would also be beneficial to my career. It would allow me to learn new things about the business that I wouldn't be able to do on my own. "You wanted an inclusive line, right?" Leila asks. I nod. One of the most important things to me as a designer is to create high fashion for all body types. "You won't be able to do that if you work for someone else," she says. I close my eyes. I'd love to live in Paris and work for a fashion designer, but I'd love to have my own line too. "You're right," I say on an exhale. "So, does that mean you're staying?" Gabi asks. I shrug. "I don't know. I think so." I only have two weeks to decide, but I think they're right. I can always try again once I graduate if I still want it, and if not, I can start creating my own line. "Please stay," Leila says. "You're only eighteen, and this is our freshman year," she says. "We have four more years left. Let's make the most out of this." That's the biggest reason I don't want to move to Paris. College. Being here with my friends and living the college life I always wanted. "Yeah," I say, nodding. "I want that." "Good," Gabi says, exhaling and dropping her head back on the couch. "Any more life-changing news we should know about?" she asks, popping a chip in her mouth. "Like Grayson?" Madi says. My eyes flash towards her, looking towards where she's sat at the kitchen table. "What about him?" "Really, Rosie?" she says. "He's fine," I say with a shrug. "That's it?" Gabi asks. "You drop a bomb on us, saying you're hooking up with him, and then leave us with nothing?" She shakes her head. "Where's the details? I want them." I choke out a laugh. "I didn't tell you guys anything. You guessed."She grins back at me. "And you just confirmed it." I close my eyes. "Damn it." "So now that the cat's out of the bag, what's going on with you two?" Gabi says. I shrug. "I don't know." She furrows her brows. "You don't know?" "It's complicated," I say. "Ah," Gabi says. "How well I know those words. Let it out, Rosie. Tell us everything." I sigh. I might as well tell them. "I asked him to take my virginity." "Wait, what?" Madi gasps. "Yeah, you're a virgin?" Gabi asks, her brows raised. Madi glares at Gabi. "That wasn't what I was shocked about," she tells her. "I was," Gabi replies. "Look at her," she says, gesturing to me. "That girl oozes sex appeal." "Uh... thanks? But technically, no. Not anymore," I say, unable to contain my grin. "So, he did it?" Leila asks. "He took your virginity?" I nod. "Yeah, it was... perfect." Gabi snorts. "Lucky. My first time was on an old futon in his parents' basement. He smelled like cheese." "Cheese?" Madi asks. "Why would he smell like cheese?" She shrugs, taking a chip out of the bag and shoving it into her mouth. "His parents were cheese mongers. The whole house was a rat's dream," she says. "Well, you love cheese," Madi says, pointing down to her cheesy puffs. "So, it couldn't have been that bad." "I love eating cheese, that doesn't mean I want to smell it when he was deflowering me." Madi snorts. "I can't believe you just used the word deflowering." Gabi grimaces. "Me neither," she says, pulling out another chip. "Okay, enough with the cheese," Leila says, turning to face me. "So, what happened?" I smile, remembering the gentle way that he held me and the way he stopped to make sure I was okay. It was everything I hoped for and more,and it was perfect because of him. "He took it slow," I tell them. "He didn't want to do it at first, he said he didn't want to complicate things. So, he helped me in other ways." "What do you mean other ways? Anal?" Gabi says. Madi rolls her eyes, and Gabi's mouth parts open. "What?" she says, shrugging. "It was a genuine question." "With life," I say, instead, wanting to keep that night between Grayson and me. "Huh?" Madi asks. "I asked him to show me the ultimate college experience. Grayson Carter was the complete opposite of me that I could think of, and I wanted to know what it was like to live his life, to not have responsibilities, to let go, and have fun." "We could have shown you that," Leila says. "And you did," I tell her. "In a way. But being with Grayson was different. He showed me his life, his world, and I loved it." I smile, remembering every lesson with him. I loved going on adventures with him. I loved spending time with him in general. "And him," Leila says. "What?" I snap out of my thoughts and face her. "You love him," she says. "It's all over your face." "I don't know," I admit. "How do you even know you're in love?" I'm not a cynic like Grayson. I believe in love, and I love spending time with him. Everything in me needs to be with him, talk to him. Is this love, though? "It consumes you," Gabi says. I look at her and see her staring into space, her throat moving as she swallows. "Everything reminds you of them. Everything you do makes you want to share it with them, and you want to spend every minute with them to the point where you can't imagine your life without them. Nothing in this world makes the pain of not having them around better. No matter who you date, kiss, or sleep with, it will never erase your feelings for that person, for what you wish you could have, but ultimately know will never happen." She blinks and then turns to face us, a weak smile on her face. "That's what love feels like." We all stare at her as she swallows. "Jesus, Gabi," Leila says. "Speaking from experience?"She shrugs. "Something like that." I think of what Gabi just said. How it consumes you, and you want to spend every minute with that person. That's what I feel for Grayson. The way he makes me feel is like there are a million butterflies in my stomach, but he also makes me feel like I have nothing to worry about whenever I'm with him. I feel like I can be myself with him. Whenever I'm around him, I can be me, and he won't judge me. He doesn't want me to be anyone else other than myself. I love who Grayson is. He's a good person, although he tells himself the opposite, he's nothing like what people said and everything I hoped he would be. He's the kind of man I want to be around all the time, and I can never get enough of. "I'm in love with Grayson." I breathe out. "Hell yeah you are," Madi says. "You blush every time you talk about him. Granted you've only talked about him once, but I can see it all over your face," she says grinning. "I'm in love with Grayson," I repeat. "Uh... yeah?" Madi says. I squeeze my eyes closed. "I'm in love with Grayson." It doesn't matter how many times I say it or admit it to myself, I can't make sense of it. "Are you okay, Rosie?" Leila asks. "Maybe she's processing it," Gabi says. "No. I can't be in love with him," I say. "Why not?" Gabi asks. I exhale. "He said he wanted this to be casual. No feelings, no relationships." And I promised him I could do it. I was so sure, but I never stood a chance. "You never know," Madi says. "He could change his mind." I shake my head. "You don't understand. Grayson doesn't believe in love. He'll never be with me. He won't ever feel what I feel." I drop my eyes. "He'll never love me back." "I know the feeling." Gabi mumbles. "What do I do?" I ask them. "Maybe you should tell him," Leila says. "No." Gabi intercepts. "She can't do that. He'll freak." I frown deeper. He will?"You're not helping," Leila says to Gabi. "You never know. He could feel the same." My eyes drift closed. "He doesn't." No matter how much I want him to, he doesn't love me, and he won't ever love me. It doesn't matter that I'm in love with him. He doesn't believe in it and doesn't feel the same about me. "Then you have to cut it off," Madi says. My head snaps up. "What?" "You're going to hurt even more if you drag it out and fall more in love with him. And then, when it ends, you'll be crushed." She gives me a sympathetic smile. "But if you end it now, you can get over it, Rosie." "I don't want to do that," I say, almost whispering. "I don't want this to end with Grayson. I don't want to be away from him. I want him near me all the time." "I know," she says. "But it's the only solution." I stare at my phone on the table, thinking of the last time I tried to avoid Grayson, and he still showed up at my place, wanting to see me. He trusted me enough to tell me about his uncle and his father. He let me in. I want more of that, and I don't want this to end. I also want him to love me, and he can't do that. If I can't be with him, the least I can do is help him. He wants to leave Redfield and his parents, and he needs money to do that. He might not have any, but I do. If I can't tell him how much I love him, I can show him instead