All At Once

Remember

Tonight, I remembered.

    **************************
Saturday 8th June
I was still recovering from the shock of my second mums death and it was 3 days after my birthday too. It was a Saturday morning, and in every typical Nigerian home, Saturdays are for cleaning, cooking and thinking about your life.
I got up from bed, mum nagging as always about how I sleep too much, bro it was just 8 o'clock in the morning, I ignored her and got on with my duties, Trevor and I spoke for a few hours. After hanging up, I scrolled through my phone realizing that he was my only friend at that point. Don't get it twisted, I know a lot of people but I don't have friends, either I'm with Oroma or I'm with Trevor, of course people wanted to be my friend but at the end of the day, they just want something from me or they just enjoy the fact they can say 'I know Belle, she's my friend'.

Just like once when I was with this guy called Kosi, he was the  best friend to a friend of mine and she stopped talking to me when I started dating him. Kosi made me think he liked me, I was too stupid then, well I was just 15 writing my final WAEC papers. Long story short, one day Kosi set me up with his friends, so they could take turns on me. He was in that house, that day, and he knew fully well I had never had sex before and he wanted them to have there way on me. Of course I escaped, I never told anyone before but I cried that day. I felt stupid, betrayed, useless, everything at once. They didn't touch me but the thought of what could have happened to me that day in that house terrifies me whenever I think of it. Mum was right, men aren't good people.
Or is it when a guy named Chika dated me just to see if the whole 'whore reputation' was true, and dumped me when I refused to sleep with him. And yes I do have more stories, that isn't the end. 'stop hanging out with men Belle' I know that's what you'll say, yes, I did stop, I turned to women, my gender, hoping to make some good friends that'll like me, but no, either they end up being fake friends to me and talking trash about me at my back, or one morning they'll decide not to be my friend anymore. I always felt stupid back then, till I decided not to, it took me a lot of character development to become who I am today.
I know I'm too pretty for all I've been through, the dark sides of pretty privileges no one tells you of, many men will just want to 'experience' you and call you names if you decline and your fellow women will just have beef with you for no reason. You just have to be wise, even if it leaves your phone dry. That's why I rather stay friendless and boring, I don't have energy for people drama anymore.
   Oh to be loved and not lusted.
I know I should blame myself for most of the things that happen to me but is it really my fault? Deep down I want to believe they're still good people on earth, people that would like me without wanting to caress my boobs and grab my ass, but unfortunately, they're all the same. Even the good kid my mum wanted me to be friends with, on the day of my sisters 4th birthday while we were washing dishes, he grabbed my ass and gave me this sick smile, I know you'll say 'it's no big deal' but it is to me, it made me hate my body and wonder if that's what people saw only saw me for, a pound of flesh? I never had anyone that really saw more to me, not until I met Trevor. I looked at him after I pushed his hand away.
   "What'd you do that for?" I asked, his name was Ebuka.
   "Nothing, I just wanted to see if it was soft" He said smirking at me like it was supposed to make me blush not knowing he was only pissing me off the more.
   "You grabbed my ass, without my consent, to check if it was soft?" I asked him
  He just shrugged. I left the kitchen and ran to my room and cried. 'why I'm I crying?' you might wonder, wait to be objectified and you'll get me. Even the good kid wasn't good.
Maybe he saw what he did as a normal thing, but to me, it always make me hate myself more.

I layed on the bed that evening, after the whole day Saturday stress and work. I was scrolling through my empty phone again I decided to check my messages, I saw many texts I haven't read in a while and among them was Noahs, I froze.
    'Happy birthday Belle'
It was from 3 days ago, he did remember my birthday after all.
That night all my efforts forgetting him proved null and void because I remembered. Suddenly the November to February Belle was standing in front of me, in her thrift wears and tote bags and she seemed a little thinner but, she was at peace. I could see the night of Noahs party in January, was I hallucinating? Or was this a dream? I could see that was the best day of my life before Trevor came and wiped it away.
That night, Noah loved me, I can swear on that, in the presence of his mother, sisters, uncles and inlaws, Noah made me feel seen. That was one of my good days, I guess I wasn't really comfortable when his family was around cause they were rich, I was the opposite, I stopped being rich at age 15. But they didn't make me feel bad, they were good people, and I loved the way Noah paraded me around that night. Everything disappeared and I was back on my bed, it wasn't a dream after all, I looked at the text again, what do I say now? 'I'm 3 days late to replying this text, should I just ignore?' I asked myself aloud.
Something in me couldn't ignore the text so I wrote
   'sorry for replying now, just seeing this, thank you' I looked at the message for a while then pressed send, deep down I wished he'd start a conversation like 'how was your day' so that I'll start yapping and complaining and he'll listen and laugh at all my jokes, like he always did, but I didn't get any reply again. He didn't forget about me after all like I thought he did. Or was I reading too much meaning in just a birthday text? It took him 3 months to reach out to me again, but still, it took me 24 hours to move on, so yes, I was the bad person. I haven't been to school in a while now, I hadn't seen him either, even if I do, I can't speak to him, guilt is a dangerous thing
  "You should have waited Belle" he would definitely say "please go away" and I'd want to apologize but he wouldn't listen.
"It wasn't my fault Noah, you were hurting me" I would manage to say.
   "Then why didn't you tell me, make me understand" he would say "you just ran, like you had been waiting to". Of course I ran, I got that from my father, running from problems instead of finding solutions.
Just one birthday text and I'm losing it all over again
   'God, I don't want to think about him anymore, please help me forget' I muttered, my heart hurt, and I could feel the pain afresh like it hurt in February.

     'I'm over him' until you remember the way he used to stare at you. The butterflies he gave you, and how you longed to feel his face over yours and his lips on your skin.
   Slowly, you start forgetting, the sound of his laugh, the feel of his touch, his scent, but the heart never forgets does it? you'll be stuck with memories forever, memories of them, memories of the one you ever truly loved, and that is why I believe no one ever truly heals do they? you spend months with someone, loving them, talking to them, doing literally almost everything with them, then boom, it all changes one morning, they're no longer there, you walk alone, sit alone, eat alone, sleep alone, You both stare at each other, knowing it's not supposed to end that way, but it did. And you have to carry on life alone.
You eventually try to move on, but you still remember them in everything you do, and so it continues, it will hurt, you'll get angry, confused, sad, at how you once had someone so dear to you, and you watch them slip away.
When we walked past each other, like we never even had a conversation before, but we've both seen each other naked, mentally, physically, and that broke my heart. It was over.
'I'm over him' until you remember.