All At Once

My little secret

I opened my laptop to write last night, suddenly a wave of memories hit me, I didn't know where it came from but it felt really heavy. I remembered what happened to me last year, what broke me into who I am now and I cried, not cause I was sad, but because I never told anybody, I never had anyone to tell, and now I feel nothing but shame talking about it.
I looked at myself in the mirror, somehow I could only see my flaws and I hated it, myself, everything, I worry this is how I'm always going to feel, nothing but dislike for myself. I felt weak, empty and the wave of nothingness flowed through me.

June 30th 2024
I sat on my balcony on this Sunday evening, admiring mother nature, from the beautiful view of the sunset to the air I felt. It was the last day of June, I reflected on how the month had been. Trevor and I are currently on a break from each other, well he requested for it last night, and I had to agree, cause it was all I needed, I feel a lot distant from him lately, I don't know what's wrong with me.
I guess the break could help us miss each other and rekindle the spark, or it's just an opportunity for him to go around and continue cheating. I had gotten to the point where I didn't care anymore.
What bothered me most was that this was the first time I'm going to spend days without seeing him or talking to him, I had gotten so used to him, the thought of being without him made me sick, but oh well, it was for my own good, the break had no end, it was till further notice, so one day down, a hundred more to go.
Frank on the other hand has been so nice to me, but of course nobody beats Trevor. Frank is generous and all but still hasn't spent up to one quarter of what Trevor had spent when trying to get me, and yep, Frank was rich too. I don't know if he was just stingy or he was just an old taker, but whatever, Frank was least of my worries now. I wondered what my week would be like, who would I hang out with?Not only was Trevor my boyfriend, he was also my best friend. I guess it'll just be school, home, church and repeat. I wondered if I was going into depression again, no, I can't afford that anymore. I adjusted in my chair and looked at the sky, the orange in the sky had started clearing up and soon the darkness would come. I was done thinking and feeling sorry for myself, I carried my chair and walked inside.

***************************

The week I dreaded most started, and yes, I did survive without Trevor, I was extremely bored all the time though, Oroma was my only friend at this point, the only person who gets me.
I'm about to share with you something sensitive and you may not see me the same afterwards, but who cares, people never understand me.
I was about to go home on Monday 1st July, when I saw Frank in school, we greeted and he asked to take me out for lunch, I agreed. We got to a fancy restaurant, we ate, laughed, and took pictures.
"Are you sure you're ok with this?"He asked me.
"Yes, why not? Afterall I'm single for now" I said.
"Single? What happened?" He asked.
"My boyfriend asked for a break, I don't know why, but I think it's just what I needed too"
"Finally, it makes sense to me, the only reason why you agreed to come with me is because of the break, I said it" we laughed.
"Actually, you're right, I wanna have a taste of single hood" I said. He smiled.
"Hey, you wanna go somewhere else?" He asked. Something in me tingled, suddenly I wanted to be alone with Frank.
"How about we go back to your crib? It's already 6, you could drop me home by 8" I said.
"Belle, are you sure?"
"Yesssss, let's gooo"
We left the restaurant and got into his car. His house was fine, but not up to Trevors. I asked for alcohol, he offered me a whole bottle
"Are you sure you're not going to be careful with the way you're drinking, I don't want you drunk" he said, but it was too late already, I was awake but in another dimension.
"Frank?" I said holding his hands.
"Yes, Belle"
"Do you hate yourself sometimes? Do you ever feel loneliness?" I asked him.
"Yes I do, sometimes, most of the time" he said "but Belle, you have no right to hate yourself, you're the most beautiful girl I've ever seen"
"You're just saying that" I said. I couldn't even form my sentences properly anymore.
"I'm not" he touched my head "Do you need anything? Water?"
"You know what I need now Frank? I need you to kiss me"I said resting on his chest. He paused for a moment.
"Are you sure?" He asked, but I didn't reply anymore, I just crawled up his chest and kissed him and he kissed me back. For a while I didn't know what I was doing, I was just acting.
"Do you have condoms?" I asked.
"Yes, I do"
And that was it that night, we had sex. I woke up few minutes after, he was fast asleep next to me, it finally hit me, what have I done? I looked for my belongings scattered around, I couldn't even remember how the sex happened. I packed my things and left, not wanting to see him again.
As I walked out of his street, confused and all tipsy, wanting to find a taxi soon, I wanted to cry but I couldn't. I was no longer different from Trevor, deep down I knew I wanted it, I wanted to stop thinking about Trevor, about Noah, and I thought someone new will work but this only made me feel worse. I'm I a bad person? Should I tell Trevor? What do I do now? As if I didn't hate myself already, I prayed some people just come and give me a proper beating at this point
And Frank, Frank would have resisted, I was drunk for fucks sake, I still am! I stopped and sat on the floor
"It's your fault Belle" a voice said behind, it was February Belle
"What?" I asked wanting to confirm what I heard.
"It's your fault" she said again.
I finally could cry, I cried, finally accepting the hard truth I couldn't swallow, it was my fault! I came there, I got drunk, I kissed him, I wanted it, you fucked up again, classic Belle.
I finally got home, and the first person to call was Frank.
"Belle why did you leave?"
"I don't want to speak to you Frank just leave me alone!" I said quickly.
"I'm sorry, what did I do wrong? You left without even saying good-"
"Hey, listen and listen good, everything that happened, I don't want to hear of it, you didn't see me tonight, I didn't see you either, understood?"
"But why? What did I do?" He asked innocently. I felt terrible laying him off like that, but I never wanted to see him again. I hung up.
I took a long shower that night wanting to wash off the guilt I felt but nothing worked.

I skipped school the next day, I didn't want to face anyone, I layed on my bed all day thinking about my life, how everything has gone so wrong lately. Frank had been calling but I ignored, I ignored his texts too. My phone rang again for the zillionth time, I checked to see who was calling, it was Trevor. I panicked, I sucked at keeping secrets but this one had to be kept, he has cheated with several women, but it wasn't like me to do back in such manner.
"Hey" He said after I picked
"Hey" I replied.
"Belle, I miss you" He blurted out.
"Mm-hmm" I said.
"Aren't you going to say anything?" He asked " I'm sorry I left you for 3 days, I thought I needed clarity but you're all I needed"
Only if you didn't leave Trevor, none of this would have happened. "It's fine, I'm not angry" I said.
"Thank you, where are you?"
"I'm at home" I said
"You didn't go to school today?"
"Nah, didn't feel like" I yawned
"Well, I'm home too, wanna come by let's talk things out?"
"Trevor there's something I'd like to tell you" I wanted to come clean and confess I was just like him now but I hesitated.
"Yes love, what's that?"
I gave it a second thought
"I needed some money to get my nails done by weekend" I said, I couldn't do it, I guess this would be my little secret.
"Sure, I'd send it to you before night fall" Trevor said
"Thanks baby" I needed to leave my house, escape from my thoughts "I'll be with you soon"
"Alright, I'd be waiting"

I guess we all have secrets, some secrets we talk about, some we die with, and some kill us actually. I never wanted to talk about Frank again, it shouldn't have happened, so it's best I avoided him to avoid future mistakes again.

"Hi" I said as Trevor opened his front door for me
"I missed you" I hugged him tears welling up in my eyes. "Belle are you crying?"
"Yes!yes I am.. never leave me like that again you hear me? Never do that to me again!" I said like a child letting the tears flow, he drew me into his arms.
"I'm sorry my baby, I promise, I would never do it again"
We got into the house. In less than no time we were engrossed in talking and everything seemed to be going well
"Let's go to the kitchen, I want to make lunch" Trevor said, I followed him. We talked sang and laughed as we cooked together but everything changed as he held my waist from behind as he kissed my neck. I usually felt happy but this time around, I felt rage. I couldn't help but imagine he called me to his house that day just to touch me, and I couldn't afford to be touched after what happened to me last night.
"Trevor, is this why you called me today?" I asked.
"What do you mean love? I always hold your waist when you cook, why's today different?" He asked calmly. "Are you okay?" He asked looking at me with concern.
"Yes, I'm fine" I said, he put back his hands on my waist "it's just that I don't feel like doing anything today or even being touched"
"Why?" He asked kissing my neck again! "Come on, we do this all the time, remember when you'd be twerking while cooking" he said and laughed, I didn't.
"I know..." For some reason all I could hear was Franks voice and it felt like I was letting Frank touch me all over again!
Trevor moved his hands down my pants and started playing with me with his fingers, I couldn't take it anymore.
"Stop it!!" I shouted pushing him away, I realized what I had done, he stared at me in disbelief.
"What the hell is wrong with you today?!" He shouted too.
I hated when he shouted, it made me scared, and remember when my dad beat me up mercilessly when I was 6 just cause I broke the remote.
"I'm sorry, it's just, it's just..."
"It's just what Belle?! You don't love me anymore?" he asked breathing heavily. Of course I loved him more than ever, but last night kept messing with my present
"I can't do this today Trevor I'm sorry" I said walking out of the kitchen "I want to go home"
"Fine, leave! You don't wanna talk, leave then!" He shouted.
"Stop fucking yelling at me!" I protested.
"Get the hell out of my house Belle" he said coldly. I stared at him with tears forming in my eyes. I walked out his door and he slammed it shut behind me.
Of course I wasn't mad at Trevor for getting pissed, I pushed him so hard, he didn't deserve that. I couldn't just control myself, being touched only hurt me at this point and I felt I was being taken advantage of.
I sobbed silently on the cab home, I didn't know what to do to stop feeling this way, I felt hopeless. I just had a big fight with my boyfriend, my only confidant. As much as I wanted to apologize and talk to Trevor, I also wanted to stay on my own for now too, and so I did.