All At Once

Just you and I

A lot happened today, like I lived 3 days in one.
I got to school early in the morning, I was running late for my test tho, I saw Noah at the door to the hall, I acted blind. I hadn't seen him in a while, today, 27th June made it 4 months we broke up, and 4 months with Trevor.

The test was over soon and I came out of the hall, everywhere was crowded with people, I could see Frank at the corner with his gang too, smiling at me but I acted blind also, I saw Trevor with his friends and he gave me a signal to come over, I greeted my other friends/ coursemates, and went to Trevor, he held my hands and kissed my cheek in front of everyone, and I looked at him and smiled. All this while I noticed Noah staring.
The next class was scheduled and I walked to the location alone, I met Dotun there, and Noah had surprisingly appeared there too, I didn't want to have eye contact or get close to him but Dotun pulled me to come with him, he greeted Noah and passed, and I wanted to sneak by when Noah stared directly at me and gave a smirk
"How far" he said
"fine" I replied visibly shaken. that was the first word he has said to me in 4 freaking months asides the fact he texted me on my birthday. It wasn't a big deal tho, but after the dramatic separation, us talking again would be very awkward and new.
The rest of the day went by, I was in the cyber cafe with Oroma, David, Prisca and the rest, when boom, Noah texted...
I saw the test but it took me 5 minutes to respond, and the content of the message made my head spin, it wasn't a dream.
"Do you still love me?" He asked. I didn't know what to say, I pulled Oroma closer.
"Look, he texted" I showed her, my hands visibly vibrating "what do I say!!" I didn't know I shouted that aloud, forgetting people were around, and they started staring at me.
"Look relax, just answer, you don't love him anymore right? Tell him" Oroma said. I hesitated
"What's happening?" David asked.
"Oh, it's just Noah, he texted" Oroma told him.
"Mtchewwww, I thought that one is old news by now" David hissed and laughed.
There was no expression on my face, I could feel a breakdown coming, I was in school but my mind travelled through loads and loads of our memories.
"Belle, if you like don't hold your phone well" Oroma said. My phone was slipping from my hands and I hadn't noticed.
I held it properly and with a shaky hands, I typed "no" and I hit send.
We talked, normally
"Did you miss me?" He asked, of course he wanted me to talk firstly so he could feed his ego. Poor man wey get pride.
"I do miss you sometimes, but I realize it's the memories I miss, not you as a person" I said
"I want to ask you something" he said "if you had one wish now regarding us, what will it be"
I knew what he wanted to hear 'I want us to get back together' or 'I'll leave Trevor for you, I miss you so much baby' like I said, I couldn't go back, I had to maintain the new standard.
"That we both find what we're looking for, or who" I said. Of course he knew I was with a new guy, everyone knew.
"So what are you looking for at this point?" He asked again. What the hell? Was this a questionnaire? Or a who wants to be a millionaire game? Lol
"I don't know mehnn, I'm just living, I said" honestly, I was just living "whatever happens, happens"
He laughed. "How has life been without me" He asked.
Now It was obvious what he was looking for lol. I couldn't play the weaker vessel and just confess that I've been doing shitty, so I toughened up.
"Just fine. Like it was before I met you" I was legit getting bored of the conversation.
"Alright, I wish you the best tho" He said. I didn't need your peace wishes Noah, I never needed it. I was going to be fine with or without them. What I hoped for was that one day, you'd understand why I left, and you'll apologized for the pain you caused me and how you treated me like shit some days. I mean I was alone on valentines day but I had a Noah somewhere, the shame I lowkey felt! Of course I owed you an apology too, which I would, but rather you were asking me some dumb ass questions. Classic Noah.
I reacted to the message, not wanting to continue the conversation.
"How did it go with him? Told him off?" Oroma asked.
"Yeah, I've chased him away" we both laughed.
You know that part where I said, I didn't love him anymore? I lied, to myself, to you reading, to my friends, even to him. Guess I was just trying to kill the love I felt for him but that wasn't possible.
You never unlove someone that was once a part of your life, no matter how hard or tough you claim to be, except you never really loved them. I just had to accept that fact, but still move on because I deserved better. So yes, healing wasn't in my dictionary, I never healed, I don't even want to, some memories you can never forget, you have to live with it and accept it, that was what I did, so instead of me to feel pain, I feel peace, accepting the fact that I can't stop loving you, but we can't be together.
I guess that was why they said 'love is dangerous' isn't it? It changes you, brings out the worse in you or sometimes the best. It's too late Noah, it doesn't matter anymore, what is done is done.

Sometimes it's best we let some people go, for your own good, perhaps I didn't let him go, I would have still been tote bag and all back girl, and perhaps I give him another chance, it will still end the same way, you can't read a book twice and expect a different ending, we were never compartable, we just didn't see it back then cause we were so in love, I can't go back to who I used to be in January.

You can love a person, miss a person so much and yet still have enough wisdom to know that they are not for you, and you're better off not together. we're better off not together. That's it.

I spent the rest of the day with Trevor. I kept on wondering why my exs were coming back, first Grey, then now, Noah... sigh.
I hope I never have to deal with Trevor as an ex too because if anything should happen and we break up, I'm going back to the streets, lol. I could never start afresh again, I'd go crazy with all those 'what's your favorite color' type of questions
Imagine getting to know a person only for you guys to turn strangers at the end of the day, hell nah, I cannot afford such waste of time anymore
Memories are like hell to me now, they'll keep you trapped in a small box, you can never escape your mind, only the strong ones overcome at the end of the day and say 'no I wouldn't go back to him'. I thought I was a strong one too, but lately I feel weaker than ever.
On the bright side, I'm surviving without Noah, better than before. You feel you can't survive without that person, but at the end of the day, you make it. Trevor deserves this best version of me, not any Noah or fucking Grey that only contributed in helping me lose weight.
Something inside of me wondered if Noah really missed me or he just wanted to come and reap where he didn't sow. I hoped we never got to speak again though, I was trying to forget.
"Noah texted me today" I told Trevor as we cleaned the kitchen together.
"Who? Your ex?" He asked.
"Yeah, who else?" I said. He dropped the dishes on the shelf and walked towards me hugging me from behind
"And? What did he say?" I didn't know if I should tell him everything or if I should just give a brief rundown, Trevor could get very jealous and possessive sometimes, so yes, I'll settle with the second option.
"He just wanted to know how I've been and all, normal conversations, and he also wanted to know if I still want to try again with him" I said. Trevor scoffed.
"Okay, so what now, you're going to leave me?"
I turned to look at him, was he mad?! "No!!" I shouted laughing
"Just cause one ex comes back doesn't mean I'll just leave you that way, I love you, and if anything, you've been the best thing that happened to me all my life, I'm not going anywhere" I said holding him, he kissed my neck.
"Belle, I know how hard it was for you to stop thinking about him, so it would be quite understandable if you still want him, you know I'd do anything to make you happy, even though it means letting go" okay, asides from the fact that Trevor was a cheating whore, he was good to me, in a month he did what Noah couldn't do in 3 months, I can't leave him.
"No baby, I know what I want now, and he's standing right in front of me right now" I said smiling.
"Are you sure you'll be mine forever?" He asked me "no one else?"
"No one else Trevor, just you and I, against the world" we both stared at each other smiling, our foreheads resting against each other.
"Do you smell something burning?" I asked.
"Oh shit, the eggs" he laughed, we got back to what we were doing.
With Trevor, I felt everything would always be fine at the end of the day, I felt alive, seen, less alone, and loved. He loved me, my imperfection, my flaws, everything, the way I snored, the smell of my farts, when I look homeless, when I look badass, his love was constant, everyday, I've never experienced this type of love before.
Before I die, I'll write about Trevor, I'll write how happy and fulfilled he made me. And how in my life, I was once loved