All At Once

We live, we die

Low-key I cried, after Noah was harder than I thought, I was attached, stuck on him, maybe because he was my first boyfriend. I saw him in my dream, in everywhere and everything, I tried to hold on to things that weren't there anymore, Trevor knew, he understood, and how I cried every night, wondering if I did a bad thing leaving and wondering if I was now a bad person and how I was already building a new relationship with another guy like nothing happened but every night in my room, I'd lose it. There's nothing worse than attachments, you'd be ready to take all the suffering, just because you're stuck on them.
   Money comes with pressure, do you know that? I could never go back to Noah, I'd be February Belle again, that would be bad, so as much as my heart wanted him, my head moved forward, and he never reached out either, maybe he was seeing another girl too. Some days I forgot he exists, other days he's all I could think about, and it'd hurt afresh.
I'm sorry I left Noah, it was for the best, though it never felt right, we both needed to find people that suits us, I've found my Trevor, he treats me better, goodbye.

     **************************

Wednesday June 5th, it's my 17th birthday, was I excited? Not really, I stopped being excited over birthdays since 8, birthdays just reminded me that I was a year closer to death. It was 3 and half months after Noah, and yes, I did feel better, I was moving on. That morning, I got to Trevor's house early cause we had a fun day ahead, thanks to him, everything was already funded from my hair to my dress, to my nails, it was all perfect. Trevor had a friend living with him temporarily, Jordan. Jordan was a darling and he liked Oroma, he was in our department too, and was also a friend of mine, I knew him before Trevor.
  Jordan wished me a happy birthday, Trevor made breakfast, and we ate and settled to watch TV till it will be sunset before we go to our favorite places.
I had gotten used to my new life by now, it was perfect, not until recently I found out Trevor cheated, was cheating on me, I still hadn't said a word about it, but even though I didn't feel anything that day, deep down, it hurt, I was hurt tho, and the fact that a man can do everything for you and still cheat hurt even more, the only question in my head everyday to him is 'why?' is it me? Wasn't I enough? Or are men just natural whores?
  By now, I had fallen in love with Trevor already and my attachment issues had struck again, I couldn't live him, so I stayed silent. I know most ladies will say 'once he cheats I'm out, I know my worth' easier said than done, at this point I didn't know my worth anymore, I just knew I wanted Trevor, so I put it all behind me with a heavy heart. Is it better to speak or to die?
   "Are you good?" Trevor asked me as we laid in bed
   "Yeah I think we should start getting ready it's almost 4" I said getting up, looking for the towel.
   "Alright then"
We both started dressing up, of course it was a school day, we were in the second semester of level 100, so fast already, but we both skip school that day, Trevor was used to skipping school it wasn't new for him, he still got good grades, he had his way, and soon I started skipping school a lot too, but luckily I still tried to lock in and do well.
  We got to pleasure park that evening, this was my favorite place, tho half of Nigeria has been there, but it just hit different on a late night in the middle of June. This was the second time we've been here since we started dating, as we walked around in the sunset, playing games and laughing and he was busy taking funny pictures of me and us, it was all perfect, I would say that was my best birthday ever, and for once, I didn't think of how closer to death I was, I was hopeful, Trevor is the light in my life. Alfred was right after all, I did fall in love with him.

Sometimes we need inspirations, some reason to keep pushing forward, some reason not to kill yourself, and to me, Trevor was my reason.

Things have been okay at home, my father came around once in March, we fought, like we always do, and it just made me dislike him more, shitty old man. I was only around because mum needed me, I was planning on leaving the moment I turned 18, but mum will be shattered, she's attached to me, another reason she never let me stay in the hostel, I go to school from home and I can't sleep out or else she'll sit up calling my phone and crying all night. I'm only here cause of mum. And yes, Amanda.
  "You wanna climb?" Trevor asked me running to the tower thingy at the corner of the park. Something inside me got excited whenever I see him all happy and jumpy.
   "Trevor, I'm wearing a dress I can't climb!" I said laughing.
After much funs and games, we sat on a bench, looking at the empty kids playground. It was 7 pm. We sat in silence, my favorite type of communication.
  Trevor pulled me closer, this wasn't the first, second or third time he's touching me that way but something about his touch always gave me butterflies every single time.
   "Five to ten years from now, our kids will be playing here" he said smiling at me. I never thought of having kids, infact I never told him the chances of me having kids were low, due to some medical issues that messed with my hormones and ovaries. I also didn't think I'd make a good mother, I can barely wash my own clothes or make proper dinner, not to talk more of children, I loved babies, children, but that lifetime responsibility was something I don't think I would ever be prepared for, being a mother is hard. I smiled back at him.
  "Yes, ten years from now, but probably in a park in Paris not port Harcourt" I said, we both laughed.
  "Why do you like Paris so much?" He asked me.
  "There culture, cuisines, language, everything has my heart" I smiled
   "Fine, I'll take you there, any country you want. You can speak French?"
  "Barely, but it's not that hard, it's just English pronounced ridiculously" we laughed hard again. Some people passed staring at us, I rested my head on his shoulder, as he wrapped his arms around me.
  "Trevor?"
  "Yes love?"
  "What if I can't have kids?" I asked him. He looked at me.
  "You will honey, and if you don't, we'll get a little girl that has your beautiful eyes and my nose, and we'll make her ours" Trevors words melted my heart, I could feel myself tearing up, I wanted to break down in tears, he saw me, he loved me for me, in his eyes I was art, perfect and carefully made, what more could I ask for. Many people told me Trevor was lovebombing me when we first started dating and once he got the sex he'd disappear, but this is us, 3 months later, he has gotten the sex several times, and I feel his love for me deepen as the days go by, he was the man for me. I looked at him, not knowing what to say, I held his hands and rested my head back on his shoulders.
  "Today was the best day of my life" I managed to say.
  "Yeah, mine too"

It was almost 8, Trevor dropped me off at home. I got in, Amanda was the first to rush to hug me and take the bag of goodies in my hand, my mum walked out of the kitchen
    "Where have you been?"she asked. Her eyes were red, was she really crying cause I was home late?
    "Chill I was with some friends" I wasn't allowed to have a boyfriend yet, only friends, mostly girls, and my guy friends must be gay lol! "Are you ok?" I asked her.
     She sat down and cried silently. "Anitas mother is dead" she said. Anita used to be my best friend when I was 10, we still talk though and sometimes I go to visit cause there house was not so far from mine, her mother was like my second mum, she was loving and kind, they were family to me. My head spun, I couldn't believe what I just heard
  "How? When?...Why?" I asked, tears building up in my eyes.
  "They said she slomped this morning and before they got to the hospital she was dead" Mum sobbed. I was terrified "I saw her yesterday, just yesterday, she was right there in her shop, Amanda ran to meet her, I can't believe she's gone"
  I couldn't speak anymore, I just let the tears run down my eyes, and my whole body was frozen from shock.
   "You should call Anita tomorrow, she needs all the encouragement she can get now" Anita was a year older than me, imagine being without your mum at such young age, I can't survive without my mother, I'd go crazy, I felt terrible for her and I hoped this was a bad dream, but it was reality, I hugged mum.
   "It's okay, go take a shower and come have dinner with us" I wiped my tears and walked to my room. Amanda was sitting on my bed, she didn't seem bothered, what does a 6 year old know about death anyways.
   I sat down on the floor besides my bed, I was thinking 800 thoughts at once, about how funny life was. You can see someone this morning and by night fall, they're gone. Life is indeed too short, I should hug mum more often, I should tell Trevor I loved him more, I should be nicer to Amanda, I should hate myself a little less, I should do a lot of things because you can never tell if it's your last day or theirs.
  What's the point of life, if we end up dying, all the struggle, for a life we could leave at any moment. We live, we die, everything else is an illusion to distract us from that fact, none of this is real.
  As I thought, hot tears rolled down my eyes
  "Sister, why are you crying?" Amanda asked.
  "You wouldn't understand" I said patting her head. My second mum was dead, and it wasn't a dream.
  I got up, wiped my face, took a shower and changed my outfit
I stood behind mum as she cooked silently, at that moment I realized how ungrateful I'd been and how we underappreciate the things that matter, like the gift of having a mother, and the gift of life, she turned and looked at me
   "Why did you just stand there like that?" She asked. I couldn't speak I just walked up to her and hugged her tight, she understood.
   "Everything will be fine honey, I'm here with you, I'd never leave" she patted my back in reassurance. I wasn't known for crying or being emotional, but I let the tears pour down to her shoulders, and she let me.