The Curse

eighteen

'You got it, come to mommy~!'

Her hands were outstretched, reaching out to me. Her suit made her glow, so ethereal, one of the most amazing women I know. It was a white bikini, my dad stood beside her, holding my younger sister in his arms. She was always so scared of the water. The golden light shining down on those three was bright. It was almost blinding.

I flail my arms, doing my best to swim over to her, but every movement was a drag. My legs were holding me back and sticking every time I tried to thrust further into the water. Kicking forward, I have the same reaction as I did each time. A mouthful of salty, chlorinated water washed down into my breathing tube. I let out a cry, sinking and flailing like a duckling that never learned how to swim and follow his mother.

Her warm hands plunged into the cold water, and I felt myself be pulled from the water, effortlessly. I pull my hands over my mom's shoulders and neck, trembling and holding onto her for dear life. Like I was going to die.

'Johnathan, sweetheart...'

I push my head into her neck, gripping at her as tight as I can. I felt warm tears fill my eyes and threaten to fall. Or maybe it was just chlorine.

"I don't want to swim anymore! I can't do it!"

"Don't say that, bud. You're a really good swimmer!" My dad chimed into the affection, his hand overlayering my mothers, holding onto me as I cried into her shoulder.

"You're a really good swimmer, sweetheart, don't say that about yourself..." She assured with my dad, even my sister giggled, her floaties squeaking under her arms as her little hand grabbed at my hair.

"No I'm not! Every time I try and swim I sink!"

"Ships are meant to swim, but sink all the time. You just have to get better, and build a better frame." My dad chimed in, chuckling as he looked at my mother, who nodded and concluded, "He's not a boat. Johnathan, you just have to.. stop using all of your arms."

"But I have to swim and use my arms?"

She shook her head and kneeled, the water up to her chest now. She looked me in the eyes as she pushed me off of her shoulder and replaced me in the cold pool. "Not all of the time. Sometimes, you need to use all of you. Think what is right, if you use all of your arms and lead with your head, you're bound to drown. If you lead with your heart, you'll always win."

I huffed at my mom and clammored up against the wall beside me, gripping it as I looked down at the endless pool of water underneath me. 

"You got it, one more time.. come to mommy.."

I looked up at my mother as she stood up from the water. It was glowing bright, so bright, I couldn't see their faces. Or, maybe it was just the chlorine.

I can't believe I'm this pathetic. 

The water is icy against my back, but it's the only thing grounding me as I cling to the side, panting. My fingers ache from the grip, knuckles white, like that'll somehow make me stronger, make me... less of a disappointment. Practice is over, everyone else has already gone, showered, changed, and laughing together in the locker room like none of this matters. But it does for me—too much, maybe. I stare at the blue-tiled floor of the pool, my reflection fractured and blurry. Every day I tell myself, that today will be different, that I'll keep up, that I won't drown in my head, but here I am again, gasping and barely holding on.

"Hey, wipe those tears."

I bring my hand to my face, replacing my salty tears with chlorinated ones. I grip my temples and grip down my face as I pull back, turning my body to face the concrete wall. It was cold.