BEYOND THE CAMERA (Alien Stage)

The price of acting.

Luka didn't see why they'd still be his friends after that.

Luka wasn't quite known for his kind behavior amongst the cast members of alien stage. If anything they'd constantly complain about how much of a headache he was — Being the youngest, socially he was adored a bit more.

That didn't make him any less annoying, coming off as arrogant at times and even straight up rude. Most especially to Ivan, who was his co-actor in a major film series. The two fought like their life depended on it yet there was calmness in their voices, a hint of playfulness to let others know it was just a regular Tuesday.

Today was not such a day.

Luka had gone too far with his words in a fit of anger due to Ivan unknowingly stepping a boundary that was never verbally set, Luka had never even spoken about his discomforts.

So how could he have known? That's the thing, he didn't.

It's all Luka's fault in the end, he knew.

All because he just wanted to poke fun at how Ivan was panicking over Till’s call of cutting him off, he didn't mean to actually offend him but now as he sat alone he stared at his hands as if it had offended him.

“Because I'm worried he'll leave! Unlike you who wouldn't even cry if I died!”

He would.

He would cry if Ivan died. He would cry if Sua died. At least, that's what he wanted to say. That's what he wanted to think.

Luka had never cried off camera. He lost that right years ago. But thinking of his friends in a casket made him want to scratch his skin until he saw the bone hidden beneath it. Bite into his hands until it was torn into shreds.

The urge to bleed just to show there was something inside of a hollow puppet. He wanted Ivan to know what Luka could still feel. Pain.

Pain is the easiest to tap into in acting, Luka felt it all too well. From the sting of a needle to a fractured bone. Luka had sacrificed every piece of individuality for the realistic depictions of pain, so that his rates would go higher. So that he can stay on top, live the life of luxury.

So he can catch up with his friends.

Luka stared at his hands once more, blinking emptily as he felt that numbness that was all too familiar. His body felt heavy as his throat felt itchy, he stood up abruptly as he threw up, the vomit sickeningly dripping from his throat while his head throbbed. He closed his eyes as he hissed, gripping on the sink for dear life as he washed his face.

The cold splash of water made his headache worse but he didn't care, he didn't. He needed something to stop him from vomiting again.

Luka looked in the mirror.

Luka looked in the mirror and saw an adult who was struggling to turn back his emotions again after lashing out on his parents. 

Luka looked in the mirror and saw a boy who couldn't cry anymore after his parents lashed out on him.

Then, Luka could no longer look at himself in the mirror. There was a dull ache in his fingers but he didn't care. As long as he didn't have to see the imposter in the mirror, it was alright.

He was insane. Yes, that's right, Luka was insane. Everyone thought so, that must be the true Luka. So why was he so sad and empty through the mirror?

Luka was a person who would smile under stress, who would laugh at other's misery as he dismissed his own. Burying it deep as he played with danger, dangling himself in strings that cut him. Tying himself to a rope that choked him so that people couldn't see what was hiding inside.

He spent years carefully building this damned character; he can't afford to break out of it now just because he felt depressed about how he couldn't even see himself in the mirror anymore.

Staring at his hands, he saw some blood staining it. Unlucky.

“Unlucky,"

He repeated. Repeated until he got that blood off his hands and bandaged it like how Hyuna would have.

“Unlucky." 

He repeated. Repeated until he checked his contacts and saw Ivan apologizing, he ignored it like how he had when he was with Hyuna.

Unlucky.

Luka was having a bad day. Such a bad day. Shall he take it on Ivan? Laugh it off as he hits him with a soccer ball like how he usually would while dodging his questions because that's what Ivan's used to?

He smiled at himself while staring at the ceiling, pain is such a funny concept. Luka could almost laugh at how he actually felt as if he was dying earlier, him, dying? At this age, so young? He was overreacting again.

Overreacting.

In a mocking tone, he told himself he was simply overreacting. A devil like him should laugh at everyone's misery including his. From now on, he'll continue with that man eating grin.

Luka needed something to nullify this pain for a while, standing up while dragging his legs to the kitchen counter to get the medication from his cabinet.

This wasn't safe but it wasn't like he had any choice, he was an actor, a model. Everyone would see his body and notice if he ever did something, so what if he damaged his body internally? It wasn't like he'll truly be missed as Luka.

The glass of water he gulped down from clashed to the kitchen counter after a sharp pain attacked the back of his head, arms clinging to the edge like it was his lifeline while his legs buckled. Luka heaved, an itchiness in his throat urging him to vomit out the pill that slid down along the water he just drunk.

Forcing his body to move to the couch he slumped over it, his eyes twitching in drowsiness as the dull ringing of his phone echoed around the whole house. Freddy was out with Hyuna due to his own request, not wanting his own dog to see the fall of his master.

Luka felt alone.

So he begrudgingly picked up the phone, crawling on the ground as the ache in his head felt like a hand banging on a door.

“Hello?" 

Luka's voice was slightly rough on the edge, a far contrast to his soft lustful serenade.

“Are you alright?" 

Luka almost dropped the phone when he heard Ivan through the phone, his breath hitched as he felt an unpleasant claw in his heart that threatened to move to his eyes to peel it open. Tears spiking, his eyes hurt as he looked down, gripping the phone with an iron grip.

”No”, he wanted to say. “Yes." He ended up saying, while he looked back at his kitchen that seemed so lifeless aside from the broken glass cup on the counter.

"Hyuna has a private fan meeting, her whole band.”

Ivan said, calmer than earlier. Luka concluded he had already put himself together, that was always the case. The older would always clean up the youngest’s actions solely because Ivan was much more aware of Luka's feelings than himself.

It was terrifying, how close he was to dissecting him. So he always rebounded, no matter if they had made any progress.

“She wants you to come." 

”I don't want to go out.” Was left unsaid when Luka replied with “I'll try to come." 

He didn't even want to meet up with the hunters a few days ago since the other cast members wouldn't be able to come due to their own individual projects.

“Okay." 

Ivan then ended the call, the small sense of relief disappeared within the house once more as Luka sat down on the ground, staring at the distance of the wall. Curling up in a ball, he felt trapped in the comfort of his own house. 

He wanted to disappear for a while.