BEYOND THE CAMERA (Alien Stage)

Gnossienne Part I

Ivan had never really understood how Luka's mind worked, how the guy processed anything. It was like he hardly knew the guy at all beyond that annoying grin and mischievous acts.

Like a sly fox, Luka would snake around the room, plotting and scheming whatever he wanted to do to Ivan just to spite him. Then, suddenly, out of nowhere, his eyes would darken. The eyebags that were concealed were prominent, looming under the usual shining eyes.

It was like Luka had a switch that was malfunctioning, Ivan could never guess what his next move or mood was and the uncertainty left a dreadful feeling in his bones. Crawling under his skin, the unknown that was disguised as his friend would never cease to make him uneasy.

It wasn't like it was just Ivan, quite the contrary. It was everyone else, too. They all noticed how offputting he was and left them wondering if he's always been like that.

Ask Mizi then you'd get an answer of how Luka used to be a quiet kid, much like Ivan used to be before approaching her. Used to bite his sleeves which were disgustingly always wet with drool, sometimes he'd have a handkerchief just in his mouth while he chewed the fabric mindlessly. He never spoke, he never showed any emotion whatsoever aside from an innocent curiosity to everything and everyone around him. And the downright stupidity a kid would have but Mizi said that it probably wasn't normal for a kid to be trying to bite other people.

Ask Sua and then suddenly it's a completely different story, she'd say that Luka used to be a playful but silent kid. Always playing with all sorts of puzzles or fidget toys, noting that he most often had a rubik's cube that he never lets anyone else borrow. However, she never mentions anything about him seemingly devoid of emotion, Sua would always say that he was always so awkward with everyone. 

Ask Till and he'd just shrug his shoulders, saying he couldn't remember clearly about their childhood. Anything prominent about Luka was washed away with past memories, never to be found again.

Then, there was Hyuna.

She would look hesitant for a moment before simply answering that Luka was simply more expressive back then but was recklessly adventurous like her, as if mirroring her and Hyunwoo. It felt off at first but before she could continue, she'd stop mid conversation and say that she remembers she had something else to do.

Ivan.

Ivan had only really seen the nonchalant kid who actually had so much interest, who loved to talk but was never really given the chance to. Who wanted to feel but could never express it clearly. He has seen it, the agonizing insanity that Luka keeps chained to himself just to make up for past mistakes. Just to repent. Repent. Repent.

Ivan had seen it all, at least that's what he had thought for the longest time. That's why it was easy to forgive and understand that maybe he was still struggling. That's why it was easy, yet the feeling was heavy. The feeling of hopelessness, uselessness - All because he could not properly help Luka. All because he could never convince Luka. 

That's what he thought before having to rush to Luka's house to yell and slam his fists on his door, panic coursing through his veins as he heard the panicked barks of freddy, the whimpers, the scratching- Everything at once, as he kept slamming his whole body on the door, kept thugging on the doorknob, kept checking his body and the whole porch for a spare key.

For anything. After ripping the doorknob he rushed inside, dashing through the hallway to open the main bathroom for a horrific sight. 

That day, Ivan felt as if he didn't know Luka anymore. Didn't know the Luka laughing at himself as he doubled down, heaving big breaths as the nurses tried to calm him down. As if he was always walking on hot coals yet at the same time he keeps getting comfortable, he keeps falling for his trap, he keeps losing control. Something Ivan did not like. 

Narrowing his eyes, he cautiously put down a plate of lightweight biscuits in front of Luka, on the beige coffee table that he himself dragged here even when he was turning red from such a light task.

“I don't like that brand of biscuits.”

Luka admitted plainly. Hands on his lap, simply staring at the plate. Ivan sighed.

“Just eat it, you haven't eaten anything today.”

The younger one lowered his head a bit, fingers fidgeting over each other.

“I'm not hungry.”

Ivan would have force fed him if that wasn't considered as abuse. Would have shoved each biscuit down Luka's throat if he didn't look so pitiful.

“You are.”

He ended up saying than normally swearing at him, taking one biscuit to chew on slowly. He didn't quite like the taste but Till had given it to him, saying to try it since he figured that he and Luka would like it.

Ivan wondered why Till grouped him and Luka together for having the same taste.

The blonde watched as Ivan started to chew faster, getting used to the taste. Luka, with heavy arms, slowly reached out, letting the bread tickle the tip of his tongue before eating properly. It didn't feel satisfying, it didn't feel good. It felt nauseating, each bite unsatisfactory. 

Luka felt guilty for eating. For existing. For living. Ivan would never know, no one would ever find the key. Really. That didn't mean no one would keep trying to pry Luka open, to let him express it all. 

“How is it?”

Ivan asked, wanting to know. At least anything. Just more than the annoying Luka, just more than an unstable teen who grew up too fast stuck in the body of an adult. Anything. Please.

“It's fine.”

Luka answered. Fine but never took another, fine but refused to touch it ever again, fine but never even glancing on the plate. It felt like they were close, then distant, then close again.

Friends to strangers to coworkers. Ivan knew Luka but it didn't feel like he knew LUKA. And in the back of his mind, he felt like LUKA didn't know himself too.