Porcelain Skin (NOW ON AMAZON KU)

15. A Teardrop Closer

I glance around the room and note that Mercy is out. She must be in class. Either way, it doesn't matter because I don't plan on staying. I'm desperate to get away. I don't want to see anyone or speak to anyone. I need to clear my head and mend my heart.

Most people have a special rock, a cliff overlooking the city, a quiet place in the forest, or a waterfall that they go to be alone and think. I, on the other hand, have none of this. But, I'm determined to find one. I grab my violin out from under my bed, put on a pair of tennis shoes and shorts, and head out.

I make my way out of town, scanning the scenery for a quiet place. As I get further from town, and out into the open spaces, I feel more and more defeated. Silent tears skim my cheeks as I press my foot deeper into the gas pedal. There's nothing out here but fields that once held corn and wheat.

I'm just about to give up when I spy a barn a few miles ahead. It's standing completely alone. No homes surround it, and it appears to be pretty worn down. The sun is setting behind it, illuminating the edges and pouring through the cracks of the decaying structure. It looks worn and abused, and yet so magnificent -- like it's wearing a halo.

This is the place. My place. Because it resembles me in many ways. Broken. Beaten. Dying. And yet sturdy... fighting. Maybe I can absorb some of its strength; take a piece of this sunshine with me.

As I pull up outside the barn, I feel an instant warming connection. I slide out of the driver's seat, pulling my violin with me. I tentatively make my way to the large barn doors. They sit completely ajar revealing the empty abandonment of its insides.

I step through the entrance and inhale the musty scent of hay and dirt. No doubt this place has been left untouched for years. It's so vacant. Lonely... sad. It's as if I can feel the faint thump of its delicate heart permeating through the soil and into the soles of my shoes. It vibrates through my bones to meld with the thump-thump thump-thump of my own muffled energy. I take a few more steps, finding myself in the middle of the deserted space.

The brokenness of this old structure causes something to clench inside my chest. A bond. Both of us falling apart but refusing to collapse. I smile hesitantly as I push a large, wild tress of hair behind my ear with my free hand.

I recognize a wooden ladder attached to a loft hanging above my head and slowly make my way towards it. I set down my violin and grasp the rails, giving them a good shake to assess the sturdiness of its frame. Satisfied, I grab my violin and make a careful climb up to the floor above me.

I notice a few abandoned bales of hay in the corner of the room, and I bypass them to reach a large window centered at the furthest end. I wiggle the latch until it loosens - and fling the door open. I assume that, by the size of it, this opening is where they had once loaded and unloaded the bales of hay. 

I sit down on the ledge, allowing my feet to dangle over the side of the barn. I close my eyes, feeling the heat of the sun penetrating my skin. A sigh releases the tension from my core, and I allow myself a moment of peace. I try not to think about the events from earlier with Trevor. I don't want to remember his words, but it's inevitable. I can't bring myself to think of anything else.

It's crazy how wrong I was. I had assumed we had crossed the line from enemies to friendship. He had treated me different lately. There was no hostility in his actions anymore. We even shared a moment at the lake yesterday. He had looked at me. Really looked at me. If it had been anyone else, I would have assumed they were trying to make a move. It could have been that moment where he would have leaned in closer and brushed his lips against mine. If only.

But with Trevor it was different. I got the feeling that he had just discovered something. An emotion that he didn't necessarily want to associate with me, but in that moment it exposed itself. It may have been attraction... or desire. Or it simply could have been the realization that he didn't despise me anymore. Either way, the moment had come and gone without any recognition from either of us. We had let it float on by like a precious whisper in a gust of denial; neither of us willing to admit what we'd felt in that moment.