Porcelain Skin (NOW ON AMAZON KU)

7. You're Different

Trevor's response could appear to be romantic. Maybe he's become a better person and given up his party-obsessed ways because of me and the impact I've had in his life, but this is in fact the opposite of romantic. He's telling me that I changed him, but not in a positive way. I've stolen the light from his life. The desire to be himself around his friends. The need to enjoy life and live on the edge. I stole something from him that was so special that he's lost a part of himself.

I glance down at my hands where I'm picking at a hangnail. I don't know what to say to this. I know I should apologize for the past, but it feels too forced. It needs to happen in my own time so that he doesn't feel like he pulled an apology out of me. No matter how sorry I am, I need to prove it to him, not just tell him casually. The tension grows between us, and I'm about to just give in and admit all my sins to him, but he speaks up first.

"Listen," he says while moving to stand up. "I'm getting tired, so I think we should call it quits for today."

"Right," I whisper. The knot in my throat preventing me from speaking much louder. I try to clear my throat. "Yeah. Sure."

I scramble off his bed, and go on a desperate search to find my missing left shoe after finding just one. Tears are on the very tip of my eyelids, and with just one blink I know it could send them over the edge. I'm nearly in a panic to leave because the last thing I want is for Trevor to see me cry.

I don't deserve pity from him, and if he saw me cry he might be inclined to feel just a tiny bit bad for his brutal honesty. I pinch the bridge of my nose, hoping to keep my emotions at bay. I scan the room and finally see my shoe peeking out from under the bed. I quickly slip it on and hurry to the door. I give him a small wave and a "good-bye" before swinging back around and exiting his room. I don't miss the look on his face though. A look of confusion and... regret?

I can't figure out what went so wrong today because just a day ago Trevor and I had met up at his dorm room as planned and it had gone so smoothly. I'd been so nervous and a bit more quiet than normal. I'd sat in the same spot on his bed, and he had been in the same twirling chair. 

To say that it was awkward would have been a major understatement, but it was also not tense. We both seemed relaxed in an uncomfortable sort of way. I was leaning back against the headboard of his bed as we worked. We had been asked to name three observations that we'd made of the other person.

"You rarely smile, you tap your pen when you're nervous or irritated, and you watch people." He seems surprised by my last observation.

"I watch people?" He sounds mildly amused. "Please explain."

I giggle nervously before continuing. Gross! I hate that he makes me giggle. And I hate the word 'giggle', which just makes me more embarrassed when I do it. "Uh, I'm not sure," I say hesitantly. "I've just noticed that you tend to watch people closely. You study their reactions or lack of reaction. It's not judgmental, just curious."

I'm wondering why I'm telling him this because, in all honesty, I've only ever noticed this observation when directed at me. He seems to watch me closely, as if trying to read whether or not I'm being genuine or if I'm just trying to weasel my way into his life in order to cause more damage. It's like he's skeptical of me and my character, which he has every right to be.

He ponders my words for a moment before seeming to accept it. I'm relieved when he doesn't question me further.

"You play with your fingers when you're nervous," he begins. "Tapping them or picking at them. You also overly smile. By this I don't mean that you smile all the time, but when you do you tend to go above and beyond a normal smile. Like you're trying to outdo everyone else."