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5. I Don't Like You

I've just finished Statistics and am slowly making my way across campus towards my psychology class, feeling everything but excited.

What I'm not expecting when I walk through the door is to find Trevor already in the seat next to my usual one; a worried look plastered on his face. He's watching me as I make my way to him. His expression is causing anxiety and confusion to swirl in my gut.

I take my seat and he instantly turns to face me. I look at him from the corner of my eye before slowly turning my head in his direction. I don't say anything. I just wait.

"I need to apologize," he says, while tapping his pen against his thigh. "What I said to you the other day was completely out of character for me. I'm not gonna lie, I don't like you. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but can you really blame me?" he shrugs as he asks. "You sort of ruined my family. I think you're selfish and callous, but that's beside the point," he pauses. "Sorry for that too."

He runs a hand through his hair, sighing with a hint of frustration. "I try to be a nice guy. No one deserves to be treated badly. Not even you. That doesn't change how I feel about you in the least, but I'm hoping to get through this stupid project without either of us strangling each other."

"I get it," I say.

He just stares at me as I smile and turn to grab my notes from my bag. I can tell he's still looking at me when I turn back to face the front of the class. I peek over at his confused face.

"I was a horrible person," I tell him. "I did horrible things. You deserve to strangle me. I get it." I let a couple seconds tick by before looking down at my fingers that are busy picking invisible dust off my desk. "Thank you," I nearly whisper. "For, you know, apologizing."

"Okay, people," the teacher announces a few minutes later. "Your topic for today: Discuss a dominant feeling that you have towards your partner."

I want to groan... loudly, but I suppress the urge.

She passes out packets of paper to each group as she explains our tasks. "The goal of this entire assignment is to dissect human behavior; to do that we need to get to know our partner. You should know a bit about them by now, so use what you know already to discover more. Dig guys. Dig," she says, turning to head back to her desk. "You have the rest of class to work."

I can't help but wonder when she's actually going to start teaching. I'm tired of having to awkwardly sit here with a guy who hates me while we skim the surface of each others psyche.

"I hate to bring this up after just apologizing for my rudeness," I hear Trevor saying. I turn towards him. "But, if I'm being honest, the most dominant feeling I have towards you is anger or bitterness. I guess those are pretty similar."

It doesn't feel good to hear this, but at the same time, just to have him speaking to me like a human seems to be progress. I fight down the urge to pity myself by plastering a tiny smile on my lips. I grab the packet we were given and begin to leaf through it.

"Okay, anger," I read as I glance through the material. "Says here that anger is usually referred to as hot. Like boiling liquid pumping through your veins. Lava."

I look up at Trevor but he doesn't seem convinced as he scratches his left temple with the end of his pen.

"What about hate?" I ask as I flip a couple pages. "Hate is described as cold. Hard. Stagnant." I look over to see him grimacing back at me.

"That one actually sounds a bit more accurate," he says.

Why does he look so guilty and apologetic when he's admitting to hating me? You don't pity someone you hate. Trevor is stranger than I thought. 

Or sweeter?

"Are you afraid of me?" I inquire, while still reading the pages in front of me.

"What? Seriously?" Trevor asks, straight-faced.

I laugh lightly. "It says here..." I scan my finger over the page to find my place again. "A quote by Cyril Connolly, 'Hate is the consequence of fear. We fear something before we hate it."

"Uh, right. That's a load of crap," he laughs, and it's just enough to snag my attention. He looks so easygoing and relaxed when he laughs. It's beautiful.

He must notice my expression because the smile instantly falls from his face. The moment is over.

I sigh inwardly as I continue to read. "Once we begin to remove hate from human interaction, and eliminate the cause of our hatred, we begin to give love an opportunity to ignite and blossom..." I mumble a bit as I hurry through the rest of the article.

The word 'love' got me flustered and I don't think I'll manage to finish off the article without Trevor witnessing my flaming cheeks.

"Okay, my turn," I say, hoping to change the topic. "I could say that mine is also hate," I begin.

I can see that Trevor is about to argue with me, but I hold up my hand to stop him. "I don't hate you." I clarify. "But looking at you, and you know... remembering, makes me hate myself. I hate who I was. I hate what I did. But to keep this project interesting I'll go with a different emotion." I pause to think, but it doesn't take long because I instantly recognize the emotion that I feel each time I look at Trevor. "Regret."

Trevor snatches the packet of papers off my desk and begins to read once he's found the right category. "Researcher Neal Roese has performed studies which revealed that younger people have shown that regret is rated more favorable than unfavorable, primarily because of its informational value in motivating corrective action." He pauses and frowns as if unimpressed by the information. "Life is a journey. Everyone makes mistakes. Regret is a teaching tool guiding us on how to react, improving our values and illuminating our triggers. It teaches us how to better take care of ourselves."

He stops briefly as his eyes scan the article. "That was completely unhelpful," Trevor says as he lays down the packet.

What he doesn't know is how useful it really is. I can see all of those qualities in my own life. Regret has transformed me - awoken my inner self. I feel that I know who I am now, and I'm willing to fight to become a better person so that I never have to feel regret again. Though I may slip into moments of despair occasionally, I can at least see something brighter, shinier on the horizon. And that's where I'm headed. I'm walking towards shiny.

My first step is to correct my actions. I have yet to actually apologize for what I've done, but I'm hoping that after tomorrow Trevor will know that I'm being for real. I'm no longer the foolish girl that I was in high school.

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