This Lost Hope of Mine

The Lonely Road

I walked down the street until I knew I was far enough away from home before ducking into an empty alleyway. I looked around, my eyes scanning the shadows, before dropping my bag to my feet. Bending down, i opened the bag and pulled out a pair of these tight black jeans, and a slit cut tank top. I pulled off my dress with a grin, feeling the thrill of being almost naked in a place where all it would take for someone to see me was two steps into an alley. I felt....almost free. I pulled on the jeans, not bothering to take of my sneakers first, then slipped the tank top over my head, pulling my hair up into a messy bun. Shoving the dress into my bag, I zipped it closed and sauntered out of the alleyway.

As I walked down the busy street, towards my school, I couldn't help feeling like someone was watching me. Suddenly I didn't feel so free, because deep down I knew exactly who was watching me. Jamie. I prayed I wouldn't run into him. Lord knew what would happen. It was five years since I got out, but if I ran into him now... would I be able to resist him? I walked a little faster, telling myself it was so I wouldn't be late.

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"Sooooo, Claire," Kelly said taking a bite of his salad, "How are you and Drew," he smiled. I laughed softly and shook my head.

"We're fine," I smiled, pushing the food around on my plate. I shouldn't be eating, but with Kelly here, I had to. He was there with me since second grade. He was there through Jamie, the depression, the starvation. If I didn't eat he'd get worried and I simply couldn't do that to him. I sighed. "But, there's too little romance and too much sex," I said honestly, setting my plastic fork down.

He looked at me with softly concerned eyes, "He's not getting like Jamie, is he? Cause, I will end him if he is."

"No, no. Don't worry Kells, he's not like Jamie," I said softly, but he was starting to get like Jamie....

"Jamie, what are you doing!" I cried as his hand shot out and my head snapped to the side. I raised a shaky hand to my face, tears welling up in my eyes. "You'll behave like a good little slave now," he'd said as he slapped me once more. "Now lay down and beg for me,"

"N-no!" I cried which earned me a cut along the side of my neck, just deep enough to draw blood.

I took a deep shaky breath, my eyes clouding with the memories. He was only like that when he was doing the drugs that Marc bought him, I sighed softly.

 Kelly looked at me with sad eyes. I knew what he was remembering, the time we all went out to eat and I jokingly told Kelly about the time when Jamie tripped over the rug onto the bed. How were we supposed to know he had shot up earlier? All that I remember was laughing about how cute it was, then waking up in a hospital bed with a concussion and broken rib. I sighed again.

"Do you ever still miss him? Kelly asked with measured softness, the way everyone talked to me when the secret got out.

"Daily, more than anything." I said without skipping a beat. "And I hate it because he wasn't always like that, only when he was high. When he wasn't, times were great, better than great. They were perfect. I know I was only fourteen, and I get that he was 18, but was I in love? God yes. More than i have ever been with Drew. I mean, I love Drew, I do, but it's on the downhill spiral. And he'll say things that remind me of Jamie and I just can't." I sighed, trying to hold back the tears that threatened to spill.

"Do you still want him?" he asked, and I looked down. Is it normal for a girl to still want and love a man who abused her? I mean, who's to say he hasn't sobered up? He's 23 now, maybe he's gotten better.

"Yes," I said finally.

"He's back in town." Kelly said, watching me carefully. "I know you aren't happy. You try to hide it. But you forget how long I've known you. Don't do anything stupid Claire, and don't you dare let him hurt you again."

I smiled at Kelly, and stood up. The final bell rang and I hugged him. "I'll call you tonight." I smiled softly.

He nodded and hugged me back, "And if you do decide what I think you will, either break up with Drew, or don't tell him."