Abomination (Ryden)

Chapter 21

Ryan agrees to come over after school the next day. However, he had to lie and tell his dad he's hanging out with a few friends from church in order for that to happen. We end up hiding out in the boy's bathroom in the basement (that one that no one goes into because it's apparently haunted. And yes, this is high school) because God forbid, anyone from the church (or really just anyone in general) seeing us leave the school together.

So, yeah, I'd say I'd be pretty pissed if I wasn't guilty out of my mind, and trying to figure out exactly how I was going to tell Ryan I kissed my ex-boyfriend yesterday.

Ryan chatters along, all calm and fucking chipper, my hand clutched loosely in his, like we aren't sitting on a dirty bathroom floor that's apparently haunted (I mean, really, what ghost in their right mind would want to hang around a high school after their dead? Let alone a dingy bathroom that by the looks of it, probably hasn't been cleaned in years).

How could he just pretend nothing's going on? That everything is fine, and our relationship is just fantastic? That his dad didn't catch us together and forbid him from ever seeing me? That it's okay that he's been ignoring me in the halls, at lunch, and in class? That he's pretending I don't exist when other people are around? That he hasn't been clinging back onto Dayna like his fucking life depends on it?

Fucking Dayna. Why the fuck is she still on this planet anyway?

"Hey," Ryan says, softly into my ear, after a good five minutes of complete silence on my part. He squeezes my hand, and I force my eyes off of the ground and up to him. "You're not mad at me, are you?"

"No."

"Well, what did you want to tell me?"

I stare up at the cracked ceiling, and shake my head. The light flickers. "I'll tell you later, when we're at my house."

He nods, and lets his head fall against my shoulder. He keeps it there, and we sit in silence for the remaining five minutes.

- - -

Once we get to my house, and we're in the privacy of my own bedroom, Ryan presses a soft, almost shy kiss to my lips. He pulls back, bites onto his bottom lip, and sends me a nervous smile.

I figure he must know that what I'm about to tell him is not good news.

I force a small smile back, and I can feel my stomach and heart doing thousands upon millions of jumps, because, fuck. I don't want to tell him. I can't... I can just forget all about it... pretend it never happened. Ryan never has to know, it was just a little kiss after all. A mistake... it was nothing.

He leans forward to kiss me again, hand resting gently on my jaw as he deepens the kiss, fingers dancing across my skin. His kisses are soft but sure, and this what I mean when I say Ryan kisses mean something. They send tingles and shocks and electricity all the way to my toes it seems.

Ryan's the one to pull away first, and he blinks up at me, face pink. He grabs my hands with his, and intertwines our fingers one at a time. And I'm thinking, he's really purposely being super, extra cute right now to make this harder on me isn't he?

"Look, Bren, I just want to say one thing before you tell me whatever it is you have to tell me." he says, running his thumb along mine. He almost sounds as nervous as me.

I nod, and gulp.

"Okay... well, I know our relationship is kind of screwed up right now... with my dad and all. I mean, well, yeah, it always kind of has been, with me being with Dayna..." He takes a deep breath, and sends me another small, nervous smile. "You know, sometimes I wish I was as brave as you. That I didn't care what other people think... but, I do. I'm trying really hard not to though." He tosses some hair out of his eyes, squeezes my hand in his, so tight that I'm pretty sure he cut off my circulation for a few seconds there. "I just... I know it's been hard on you and everything. But, I just want to let you know that... well, I want to thank you... for like, everything. I don't think I would have ever been able to go through what I'm going through with my dad - with God - without you. Before... well, before I was never even able to admit to myself that I was- well, am, you know, gay." He makes a little noise from the back of his throat at the confession, and blushes some more. I don't blame him though, because that's the first time I've actually heard him ever say he was gay, out loud. Sure, he hinted at it, but he never actually said it, and I know that is a step all in itself.