The bet

19: bet?

tomorrow is that music thing at school, including a party- well i guess we'll play before the party, i honestly don't know. But... i'm also gonna have to break rosé's heart, i'm not ready to do this- no i can't do this. i haven't even seen kai today, i was trying to find him hoping i could beat the shit out of him, not that i could but i was really hoping i could. it's already the end of the school day well it ended 4 hours ago but i was with rosé and her little band, well sort of cuz it ended already ''jisoo'' i turned my head to see rosé walking up to me 

''yes?'' 

''are you busy?'' i had fully turned my body to rosé now

''yes, sorry i have to get home but... i'll see you tomorrow?'' she smiles and nods her head

''it's okay and yes you'll see me tomorrow'' i smile and she pulls me in for a kiss which i don't resist, i peck her on the lips twice before moving away 

''i love you, byee!'' i walk away before she could respond as my brain is in overdrive. 

i hate this, i hate myself for doing this to rosé. i go home and for once mom is not home, she's probably at the club or at someone's house. Nothing from the unusual, ava's sleeping over at a friends house while aria is at auntie's so i'm at home alone right now which is not so bad to be honest. 

it's midnight right now and i haven't been able to fall asleep, i'm scared to what's going to happen tomorrow, seulgi has probably already forgotten  about this, irene doesn't know and becky will beat the shit out of me. 

i'm about to puke, i feel sick to my stomach, i'm angry at myself and it's all to much. i have no idea what to do, i can't turn to anyone for help, i hurt lisa, i hurt rosé a lot and i'm gonna have to hurt her more, i hurt seulgi in the past, i hurt jennie, i hurt becky, i hurt irene, i even hurt my own little sisters, i hurt my mom. i hurt everyone i get close to, and i'm such a fuck up, it's hard to breath, my chest hurts and it's heavier then ever, what am i supposed to do? 

i can't turn to my father for help he's gone like he's so far away, he's all the way in africa, a mile away from dad is already to much and now he's in a whole different country and i haven't seen  him in 3 or 4 years now i honestly don't even remember, it all hurts to much. 

gosh i'm so tired, i fell asleep at 4.56am and woke up at 5.34am and now it's already lunch, i fell asleep in like 4 classes already, i had 4 classes, i'm so fucked. i tiredly walked into the cafetaria where all my friends were and rosé and at a table a smirking kai, and this fucking headache isn't helping either. 

before i knew it i was already sat, well my head was on the table and i was already half asleep when lisa spoke up ''jisoo?'' i hummed in response to tired to even open my mouth to answer ''how late did you go to sleep'' i shrugged and put up 4, 5 fingers, i looked up and i bet my eyes had big ass bags under them, okay maybe not really that big but still more then usual, i rested my head on rosé's shoulder who just patted my head