His Possession

22

Nora

I think a part of my light has dimmed a little bit.

All my efforts to trust someone again went wasted on Christian, who I'm not sure I should have trusted in the first place. I was stupid and naive to even believe that our story could have been beautiful and unmarred. I was stupid to think that I was getting a second chance at a love that was pure. I was just stupid, plain old stupid, to think there wouldn't be any shoe or bomb droppings.

I was stupid to believe that I knew Christian when really I only knew the person he was pretending to be.

And jokes on me, because I'm having a baby with him, and I can't leave or else I lose custody of said baby. 

I think that's the part that hurts the most. That he made me sign those papers knowing how much being a mother meant to me. Knowing that he was deceiving me and trapping me.

He got me pregnant on purpose.

And the worst part was, he didn't even apologize. Because he wasn't sorry. He only justified and expected me to understand. Told me that this is what I signed up for, that he warned me, and you know on a certain level he was right. He did warn me, I was just too blinded by his charms to take any of the warnings seriously.

I haven't talked to Christian in a week. We sleep in the same bed, he makes me food, tries to talk to me, but I can't bring myself to say anything. I just feel betrayed, and I need time. I need time to come to terms with the fact that I'll be spending the rest of my life with him, that I have to have at least two more of his babies.

I'm married. I'm technically Nora Callahan, and that hurts just as much as his lack of apology.

I haven't told anybody. Not Karman or Sam or Vivian and Travis. There's no regulation saying I can't, and I would know since I read that contract front to back six times, but I just can't. How does one tell her big sister that she'd been played so foolishly that she was damned for the rest of her life to a man who felt no remorse about it.

I think I've messed up enough to just keep this one to myself. No one has to know. I can carry this burden on my own.

I wipe my tears with my shoulder, flipping the page of the contract, reading through it again. I can't stop reading it. I can't stop staring at my signature, reminding me how much I blindly trusted Christian. I can't stop remembering how he had sex with me, knowing it would tire me out, knowing that I would sign anything he wanted me to in that moment. I trusted him.

The door clicks open, and since I'm sitting at the island counter, Christian can see me as soon as he walks in. I hear him sigh, but I don't look at him. Not as he walks over to me, not even when he kisses the side of my head while simultaneously taking the contract away from me.

"I was reading that" I glare, speaking to him for the first time in seven days.

"I know," he sighs again. "You've been reading it all week, Pumpkin. I'm pretty sure you have it memorized by now, it won't change what's written"

I know that. I just wish it would. I wish I could go back and...tears leave my eyes rapidly. What? Undo it? Undo talking to him and knowing him? As messed up as this situation is, deep down I know I wouldn't want that. It's why I'm so torn up about everything, so conflicted, and my hormones don't make it any better. 

Christian scoops me in his arms and I just cry harder because how can I feel so safe here? How can I still feel so safe with him, after everything he's done to me. After all the lies and betrayal. After he used me. Deceived me. 

I bury my face in his neck as he walks me over to the couch and lays me down. I curl onto my side, my eyes blurry as I watch him undo his cufflinks and the first two buttons of his shirt before bending down on his knees in front of me. He strokes my hair, and I let him.