chaos theory: instant jesus status

part 2: diet america

The chaos only escalated after Neko's accidental rise to power. As the first openly non-human president, Neko immediately declared a universal siesta policy, mandating mandatory naps at 2 p.m. worldwide. Some hailed it as revolutionary; others protested with signs like "WE DON'T SLEEP, WE GRIND." The controversy only deepened when it was revealed that Neko's entire cabinet was composed of their gaming buddies from Discord, including a 14-year-old named @MinecraftSlayer420.

Meanwhile, Romilly's accidental Jesus status was getting out of hand. People began showing up at her door asking for miracles like "curing their gluten intolerance" or "making their TikTok algorithm better." One day, in a moment of panic, Romilly shouted, "I am NOT your savior! I literally just wanted to buy oat milk!" But her outburst was misinterpreted as a prophecy. A new movement called Oat Milk Salvationists was born, and soon, supermarkets were being overrun with people hoarding every carton in sight. Romilly moved to an undisclosed location, but her face was still printed on mugs that said, "What Would Romilly Do?"

Over in Iwis's world, things were spiraling even faster. Her Antarctica juice stand was failing (who wants cold drinks in -40°F weather?), so she pivoted to creating an MLM scheme selling "healing snow." Naturally, it got popular on Instagram. Unfortunately, the snow was just regular snow, and when people realized this, the backlash was swift. To escape accountability, Iwis announced that she was "transcending capitalism" and attempted to live off-grid by building an eco-yurt out of recycled TikTok merchandise. The yurt promptly collapsed.

Lewis, on the other hand, had gone full influencer. After quitting his flight attendant job due to "emotional turbulence," he began live-streaming his daily life, mostly to criticize airplane food and rank airports. His content took an unexpected turn when he declared that jet fuel was a "tool of the bourgeoisie" and launched a grassroots campaign to replace all planes with giant mechanical birds powered by solar energy. Against all odds, the concept went viral. Elon Musk tweeted, "Interesting idea. Let's talk." The world braced itself.

But none of this compared to Neko's latest scandal. During a press conference, they accidentally referred to Canada as "Diet America," sparking an international crisis. Neko's approval rating tanked until they announced a massive giveaway of free gaming consoles to anyone who could prove they voted for them. Congress tried to impeach Neko, but the process was derailed when Neko replaced all the senators' seats with bean bags and turned the Capitol into a giant LAN party.

By the end of the year, Romilly had started an underground oat milk commune, Iwis was running a cult dedicated to "manifesting good vibes," Lewis was collaborating with Kanye West on a bird-shaped airplane prototype, and Neko—well, Neko accidentally declared war on the moon after misreading a tweet.