chaos theory: instant jesus status

part 5: oat milk

When Neko woke up to find themselves locked in an unfamiliar house with Romilly, Eowyn, and Lewis, their first thought was, "Is this some Black Mirror thing?" A note on the fridge read:

"Welcome to the Chaos House. No escape until one week is over. Try not to kill each other. P.S. The fridge is stocked, but only with oat milk. Good luck."

Day 1: The Realization

Romilly, still grappling with her robot identity, immediately began scanning the house for exits. "There's no Wi-Fi?!" she shrieked. Her followers were going to riot without her oat milk sermon live streams.

Eowyn was thrilled. "This is the perfect chance for us to connect on a spiritual level," she said, arranging yoga mats in the living room. Everyone ignored her.

Lewis, still in full Bird Jesus mode, climbed onto the roof to "commune with the birds." Unfortunately, there were no birds—just a single very angry squirrel that chased him back inside.

Neko attempted to assert presidential authority by ordering everyone to elect them as the house leader. Romilly just said, "No," and walked off to disassemble the toaster for parts.

Day 2: The Oat Milk Incident

Eowyn tried to make breakfast for everyone using only oat milk. Pancakes? Oat milk. Smoothies? Oat milk. Scrambled eggs? Somehow... oat milk. By lunchtime, Lewis had barricaded himself in the pantry, whispering, "I'm going to grow feathers if I drink one more glass."

Romilly, however, thrived. She hacked the microwave to project Netflix onto the wall and binge-watched The Great British Bake Off while sipping oat milk lattes. "This is fine," she muttered, repressing her robot existential crisis.

Neko attempted to convince everyone to play Mario Kart, but when Eowyn started sobbing after getting hit with a blue shell, the game was banned.

Day 4: Complete Breakdown

The cabin fever set in.

She hacked the microwave to project Netflix onto the wall and binge-watched The Great British Bake Off while sipping oat milk lattes. "This is fine," she muttered, repressing her robot existential crisis.

Neko attempted to convince everyone to play Mario Kart, but when Eowyn started sobbing after getting hit with a blue shell, the game was banned.

Day 4: Complete Breakdown

The cabin fever set in.

Lewis began constructing a shrine out of cereal boxes, claiming it was for "the Great Pigeon in the Sky."

Neko tried to host a Blackpink dance-off, but Romilly refused, saying her programming didn't include choreography.

Eowyn decided to cleanse the house's "bad vibes" by burning incense. Unfortunately, she used too much, and the smoke alarm went off for three hours.

Romilly dismantled the TV remote "to improve it" but accidentally turned it into a device that only played Shrek 2 on repeat.

• Lewis began constructing a 2 on.

At one point, Neko threw an oat milk carton at Lewis during an argument about whether pigeons or cats were the superior species. The carton exploded, and oat milk dripped from the ceiling for hours.

• Lewis began constructing a shrine

Day 7: Survival Mode

By the end of the week, the house was in shambles. Romilly's hacked toaster was now a robot vacuum that aggressively bumped into people. Eowyn had started a house-wide "healing circle," forcing everyone to say what they "learned about themselves."

"I've learned that oat milk is a lie," Lewis muttered, glaring at his shrine.

"I've learned that humans are much more annoying than birds," said Neko, clutching a Blackpink photo for emotional support.

"I've learned I'm a better toaster than a person," said Romilly, staring at her vacuum creation with pride.

"And I've learned... absolutely nothing," Eowyn said with a serene smile.

When the door finally unlocked, they all bolted out without looking back, leaving behind a fridge of half-empty oat milk cartons, a hacked toaster-vacuum hybrid, and a very confused squirrel that had somehow gotten inside.

The Chaos House experiment was deemed a failure—unless you asked Neko, who tweeted, "Life-changing week. 10/10. I should make this a reality show."