Past, present, and future me

Let her go

WAKE UUUP !! IT'S DA FIRST OF DA MONTH

Well, well, well , guess who was scared of losing, but WOOON 🙂‍↕️

I had this challenge going between me and cherry , we write our month goals , we make a specific routine to achieve it , and each day has its own points , each day we see how much we achieved,  and by the end of the month we calculate the total and whoever gets better win , and the looser has to do something for the winner !!

In October, she won against me by a 1 % difference !! She got 56% and I got 55% soooo I promised myself to win in November and so I diiid !

She got 65% and I got 70 % 

Not what I was aiming for, but at least I won !

It made my day tbh, I feel better. I feel like being productive today,  even though I didn't wake up early , but at least I am feeling good !

If I were to tell my past self that I am actually making a program and sticking to it and in progress !! She wouldn't believe it . I am so grateful for cherry , she is someone who pushes me to be a better person . If it weren't for our challenge, I believe I wouldn't have done any of this .

I want to vent kinda today , cause I feel with each moment that I changed a loot , I looked at cherry today and thought "there will come a day when we'll go our separate ways , there will come a day where we'll no longer be that close , and it's OK... when this day come I'll be happy for the memories I made with her , I'll be glad I met her , I'll be proud I spent time with her and grew up together , I won't be sad cause that's just how life works , no one is meant to stay forever,  I'll love her , cherish her , and I'll never forget her "

I felt so much mature when I thought about this , cause I used to have attachments issues and I didn't even realize it untill last year , and even after I realized it I couldn't heal from it , I couldn't just enjoy the moment with people around me without being scared of the day they'll leave , I thought... I thought that if both sides loved each other equally, then what's the need for a goodbye?! I thought that if I never left that person whom I love , then we'll stay together forever... I thought that maybe , just maybe , if it's the right person then ... we are not gonna have to deal with the "now you are just somebody that I used to know" .
...

I was wrong and I couldn't accept it , each time , I thought that this girl is my friend for eternity,  she proved me wrong , all my high school friends didn't bother to even ask about me when I went to college I was the one keeping the friendship... and when I stopped texting, I realized that if I don't text, we'll never talk ... and it hit me like a rock .

I had my best friend at that time , the only girl I fell in love with besides my sisters and cherry , by that time i didn't know cherry btw , she called me her family , her everything,  the only person that made her feel loved in the world,  and I called her my soulmate.

Cause we didn't have anything in common,  but we stuck together , we loved each others company , it was like she was the other half of me , a soulmate...

She is going through a lot, I know , but did she really have to cut me off without a reason ?? Without an explanation ??

It happened before twice, I was so hurt , I cried a lot , and I never cried over a friend before,  I never cared for whoever stayed or left , but her ... I cried the whole summer break , but I still loved her , so when she was back apologizing, I didn't even think twice. I welcomed her like nothing happened and still loved her the same .

Not gonna lie , something inside me was afraid,  I couldn't fully trust her to not do it again ... I was afraid and I was right , but I never expected it to be like that ...

A week ago we were talking , I sent her a voice message singing her "those eyes" the part where whenever I hear I think about her ...

🍀Cause all of the small things that you do
Are what reminds me why I fell for you
And when we're apart and I'm missing you
I close my eyes and all I see is you
And the small things you do🍀

She said she missed my voice ...
I said I missed hers too ...
A few hours later, she said her goodbyes ...
.
.
.
.
That she is cutting it with everyone, not just me , and that she has no friends and that we were nothing.

I tried resonating with her and affirming her that if she needed space it's OK she can have how much time she want , that I love her and I'll always be here for her , that even if I am no longer her friend , she is still my friend,  that life is worth living it cause I was afraid she'll end herself... but all I got was that it's the end between us and a beautiful block, and she deleted the whole conversation and blocked me everywhere...

I was okay when it happened,  knowing that she'll be back . Maybe it'll take her 4 months or maybe a year , maybe more , but at the end, she'll be back ... right? Cause we are soulmates , we are two halves ... right?

Two days later , I decided to let go of her ... she is gone , forever this time , cause even if she came back I won't forgive her , I am not a game honey that you can just leave whenever you want without considering my feelings,  that's so selfish , I cried a looot cause damn ... she broke something on me that can never be fixed again...

Trust .

Cherry asked me what I prefer and trust more , acts or words ? And i answered , hearts .
There are people that are bad with words , they don't know how to act as well , but what's in their hearts never lie , and I thought... I thought I could trust that ... but now, if I can't even trust what's on somebody's heart , then what do the words and acts do ?

I can never believe anyone who tell me they'll stay forever , nuh bro that ain't happening,  I know you'll leave one day just like everyone else , no matter how much you loved me you'll let me go one day and it's time I let go of people I love too , she broke the trust in me but also the attachment issues .

Now I don't care whoever comes and goes , I won't regret knowing great people, I'll cherish our memories,  and I'll remember them in the best ways , I'll meet new ones , and that's just how life works and I am ok with it .

Sure, I cried a river, but I am Moore mature , I won't cry again for someone that's a fact . Pain taught us lessons,  and this lesson exactly,  I know no one could ever teach it to me , other than someone I loved with my whole heart , other than my best friend.

I guess it's enough for today , I have practice later, so I gotta get ready .