Delicate

broken innocence

*TW: MENTIONS OF RAPE*

☆: *.☽ Cassandra ☆: *.☽

"I regret you all the time"

June 21, 2003

What the fuck.
What the fuck.

That's all my brain could think.
Nothing made sense, the world had flipped in the span of five minutes.

I was laying in bed next to my boyfriend unable to move. He was long asleep but I most definitely was not.

I was shaking from terror and sick with betrayal.

I had been paralyzed with fear for the past hour. I wanted to run—no, I needed to run—but my body refused to stand. All I could do was stare at the boy next to me, the boy I was supposed to love, and wish things were different.

I didn't understand how things had flipped so fast. One second we were making out, his hand sliding up my shirt, the next I was telling him I was too scared to have sex and then the next he was doing it anyways.

I knew I had to go. His breathing was only a reminder of the fact that I wasn't safe. I didn't know what to do. Was I supposed to leave and pretend this never happened? Was I supposed to go home and tell my parents? Do I call the Gards?

Using all the strength I possessed, I sat up in the bed and climbed out. I was terrified he'd wake up, which felt strange considering yesterday he made me feel entirely safe.

I found my pants and underwear in a crumpled ball on the floor and moved to put them on. I had to clamp a hand over my mouth to muffle my sobs when my eyes met my thighs, which were covered in dried blood.

My innocence was smeared all over my legs and my heart was completely shattered. I was fully dressed and immediately threw my bag over my shoulder.

I needed to leave this house.
I needed to leave him.

I opened the door slowly, praying he wouldn't wake up. I wouldn't know what to say to him. I didn't know how to act.

I stepped into the doorway, casting one final glance at the boy I'd been with for two years and let the tears fall. Everything was backwards. My life was in pieces.

I closed the door behind me and crept downstairs, holding my breath until the night air surrounded me.

I was safe.
I was out of that house.

I didn't know where I was going, I'd told my parents I was sleeping at Veronica's, so I pulled out my phone to call her.

She didn't answer and no matter how many times I called, it went to voicemail. That meant I was going home.

I felt numb the whole walk home. The streets were empty as I stumbled along the sidewalks.

Why did this happen?
Why me?

Did I say no enough times?
Did I make it known I didn't want to?
Should I have fought harder?
Should I have just given in?

My head was exploding with questions that would never get answered. I just wanted this to go away. I wanted my Stephan back. The Stephan that was sweet and considerate and trustworthy. But it was gone—he was gone.

How could I ever look him in the eyes again. How could he do this to me. We were in love. I loved him.

My stomach churned, because if this was love, I wanted no part in it.

I looked up at my house and tears fell onto my cheeks. How was I supposed to pretend this didn't happen. How could I look my parents in the eyes.

I quietly unlocked the door and stepped inside. The house was dark, and everyone was in bed. So, I crept upstairs and into my bathroom to shower him off my body. I wanted to bleach my skin. I wanted to tear it off and burn it so that his hands wouldn't be on me.

But I couldn't, all I could do was sit under the scalding hot water and wish things were different.

Even though they weren't.