Delicate

shackles tightening

୭ ˚○◦˚. Theo ୭ ˚○◦˚.

"Someone who loves you wouldn't do this"

June 22, 2003

Lying on the rugby pitch next to Asher, I tried to let my worries float away. It wasn't something I was good at thanks to my father.

I felt as if I was constantly standing on the edge of a cliff waiting to be pushed into the abyss. My most recent shiner was finally fading, a sign that my father hadn't been home in a few days.

"Are you alright, lad?" Asher asked. "You seem down."

"I'm grand." I sighed, letting the summer sun beam down onto my face.

"That's never a good sign," he laughed. "What's bothering you?"

I sucked in a breath. I wanted to tell him, I wanted him to know what was going on but I was afraid. This wasn't a weight he deserved to have on his shoulders. This was my burden, my hands were shackled to that house as if I were a prisoner.

I was forced to live through my sentence, even though I was an innocent child. It wasn't fair, nothing was fair.

Asher was a good friend—my best friend—I just didn't know if he could take this. Him and I were like Batman and Robin but a less cool version. Since primary school he'd been by my side. He even held my hand while I cried over the death of my mam and in a lads world that's hard to come by.

In a weird way he was sort of my better half. He was witty and self-assured. Two things I struggled to be. His parents were angels, they were there when he got home from practices, they came to every game without fail and they loved him.

Every time I watched him with his family, I got this gut wrenching feeling. I knew it was jealousy, and I knew that was probably fucked up. But how could I not be jealous? I had nothing compared to him.

All I wanted was one parent, and he had two. Two amazing, loving and caring parents who put a home cooked meal on the table every night. I was sure he'd never had to cook a meal while his father was threatening to slit his sister's throat. It wasn't fair that I was left with nothing.

No parents, no safety, nothing. I had my sisters, and I loved them but they didn't get it. I was watching my childhood slip through my fingers, getting further and further each day. I wanted to stop it, to chase after it and be free.

But I couldn't chase it. The damage had been done, the shackles had been tightened and I was the prisoner.

"Theo, you can tell me." Asher tried again, nudging me in the ribs.

"I really can't, Ash." I inhaled a breath of summer air, trying to take in the momentary feel of freedom. "It's not the type of shit you just blurt out."

He pulled himself into a sitting position and looked down at me. "So, it's serious then? You know you can tell me, I won't share it."

"I know I can tell you, I just—" My sentance broke off. Who was I trying to protect, myself or my father? "I just don't think I can say the words."

"Mime it then, lad. I'm here for you."

I swallowed down my fear, and pointed to my yellowing eye. It had been a nasty purple bruise but it was healing, for now anyway.

"It's about the shiners you're always sporting?" He looked confused for a split second before his expression faded to anger. "Is someone hurting you?"

I nodded, fighting back tears. I was embarrassed that I was nearly crying over this. I hadn't even said anything and yet the lump in my throat was growing with each silent second.

"Who?" He stared intently at me, obviously concerned.

Blinking back my tears, I turned my face away from him. I let my eyes land on a daisy that was growing in the grass. It reminded me of Ivory in a way, so young and full of light. Then the pain hit me again because she wouldn't be like that forever, he'd beat it out of her.

"My dad." I croaked out, shielding my eyes with my hand. It was a pathetic attempt at hiding my tears from my best friend.

A long wave of silence passed, making panic rise in my chest. Every beat of my heart sounded like the words 'liar' being screamed at me over and over again.

"Your dad is hurting you?"

"Yes."

"Theo," his voice broke. "I don't—" He was obviously unsure of what to say, and I couldn't blame him. I was left wordless as well.

"It's fine. There's nothing I can do except live through it." The words tasted like poison. I'd never be free, I'd never escape.

"We can call the Gards, or tell my parents. They will know what to do, I think there's good foster homes—"

"No. You can't tell anyone! I don't want to go to foster care, I don't want to be separated from my sisters." My words came out harsh, making Asher flinch. "I'm not leaving my sisters, I won't do it."

"I really think—"

"No! I told you in confidence, Ash." I scrubbed a hand over my face. "You can't tell anyone, you have to promise."

He hesitated, his hazel eyes pleading me to get help. "Okay, I promise. I won't tell."

He laid back down beside me, his hand reaching for mine and giving it a squeeze. Maybe I should've taken the chance to get help. Maybe I needed help, maybe we all did.

But I couldn't get separated from my sisters. They were the only people I had, I couldn't leave that. I couldn't leave them.

Especially not with the hope that the abuse would someday stop. It couldn't possibly go on forever. It was just his way of coping through losing mam.

We'd fix this.
We had to.