Delicate

a glimmer of hope

☆: *.☽ Cassandra ☆: *.☽

"You don't get to tell me about sad"

April 1, 2005

It'd been five days since I'd told Adeline that I was raped and I was yet to hear anything from her.

I should've given her my phone number or something because waiting for school was going to be torture. It was Easter holiday and the sheer anticipation of finding out if she'd believe me was making me jumpy.

Maybe it was pathetic—wanting someone to believe me—but I couldn't help it. I'd been alone for the past year and a half. I had no friends, not even an acquaintance and as tough as I tried to act, it was so fucking lonely.

A part of me was scared that she would believe me and she'd want to talk. I mean, it might be nice but at the same time how the fuck could I ever trust someone.

I never let anyone in. I didn't want to let anyone in. Everyone I loved left me, but not before inflicting the worst type of pain upon me.

So, why would she be any different?

I guess we shared the same terrible fate of Stephan McGarry, but that was only helpful if she believed me. Which no one seemed to.

"Cassandra, dinner," Mam called from downstairs and I mentally screamed.

I didn't want to sit at a dinner table and have them make small talk with me. They knew my life was shit, and I knew theirs was too.

It was exhausting trying to avoid the elephant in the room. Especially when they stared at me with their giant sad eyes. I didn't want them to be sad, mainly because it just made me feel guilty but partly because it was fucking depressing.

My whole life was depressing at this point. The bottle of pills on my nightstand looked more and more pleasing as the days passed. I mean, what was stopping me from downing them all?

Just wait.
One more day and then you can do it.
You've got one more day in you.

The coward in me made a reappearance, just like it always did. I couldn't do it. I was scared.

I swung my legs over the side of my bed and let my feet connect with the carpeted floor. Taking a few breaths, I stood up and braced myself for another uncomfortable family dinner.

I slowly made my way downstairs and into the kitchen, taking a seat at the head of the table.

"What are we having?" I asked, looking to my parents who were still standing near the stove.

"Roast and potatoes," Mam gave me a weak smile that didn't meet her eyes.

She placed a glass dish on the table that held roasted potatoes and my dad followed suite with a pan of roast. They both took their respective seats and began dishing out our plates.

"How was work?" I hummed, trying to fill the silence that hung in the air.

"Good," Dad nodded, but I knew it was a lie.

People constantly ridiculed our family. No matter where my parents went, people whispered terrible things. We were liars. It was known all over Ballylaggin that we were not to be trusted.

"Are you enjoying Easter holiday, kid?" He asked, shoving a bite of roast into his mouth.

"Yeah," I mumbled. "It's nice." I was trying to build up the courage to tell them about Adeline, but I wasn't sure how they'd take it.

The normal chatter that should be heard at a dinner table was replaced with the clanging of cutlery and the scraping of forks on plates. It was awkward but it was the usual. This was our life now.

Thanks to me.

"Someone at school was raped," the words flew out of my mouth before I could stop them. The sounds in the room stopped as both my parents froze in place. "I mean, um, this girl in my year, she said that," I swallowed hard, "um, he did it to her too."

My parents exchanged glances before my mam cleared her throat, "is she alright?"

"I mean, probably not," I shrugged. "Given the circumstances."

"Do you know if she's spoken to the authorities?" Dad asked, his eyes wide.

"I don't know. I don't even know the girl, I've just heard people talking about it," I replied. "Her father is a barrister."

Hope flashed in my parent's eyes, obviously at the prospect of Stephan finally going to jail.

"I've not seen him at school recently," I mumbled. "So, I'm assuming they've taken some kind of action."

"It's about time," Mam muttered. "Let's hope that poor girl is able to win her case."

"And let's hope that little prick gets locked in a cell where he belongs," Dad snapped, anger clouding his features.

"Tom," Mam shook her head.

But my dad was right. I wanted nothing more than to see Stephan McGarry suffer. I couldn't down those pills, not when there was glimmer of hope in arms reach.

I just hoped the world wouldn't let me down.
Again.

But it seemed like it always did.

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exams are finally done and it's winter break!!! you know what that means

little filler chapter until theo grace breakup 😊😊

i love you

xoxo

-Freyja