Sacrifice

It's my fault

Lindsey made his way into the house, using the spare key Stevie had given him. It was fairly early in the morning, for her anyway, but she was already awake, in the kitchen with a cup of coffee in her hand.

"How come you're up?" Lindsey asked, approaching to greet her with a kiss. 

"I couldn't sleep." She sighed, holding onto him for a moment longer. 

"Why's that? Something happened?"

"Yesterday, Robert and I were supposed to meet up, our divorce was going to be finalized, but he didn't show up. I tried reaching him, but I still haven't succeeded."

"You seem really worried."

"I am, I know him. He's someone who usually acts on impulse. God knows what came to his mind, he might be... I don't know, in freaking Hawaii right now, enjoying a cocktail, avoiding seeing me."

"So, what now?"

"The meeting has been postponed until he decides to attend it."

"Well, that sucks." 

"I was hoping to be done with it by now." Stevie agreed, with a heavy breath. "Maybe I should call Maria. She should know where Robert is."

"Who's Maria?"

"His sister, they've always been pretty close. He might very well be with her right now actually." 

Stevie found the number and dialed it, leaning against the doorway, hugging herself around the middle, as she watched, Lindsey scan through her fridge. 

"Maria, hi! It's Stephanie."

"Hello." She heard a less cheerful greeting. 

"How you've been?"

"I... not too good."

"Oh? Why's that? Maria, are you crying?"

"I'm sorry, I can't collect myself."

"No, it's fine. What's wrong? I know we haven't spoken in a while, but you can talk to me if you need it."

"You don't know, do you?"

Stevie frowned, shifting her wait from one leg to another. "I can't say I understand what you're talking about, no."

"Robert?"

"Well, I was calling about him. I need to get in contact with him badly."

"Stephanie... Robert is gone."

"Gone? Where did he go to?"

"No, you don't understand. He... he's dead. He committed suicide."

All color faded from Stevie's face and she felt light headed, taking deep breaths, trying her best not to faint and fall down on the floor. "That... That can't be true!"

"I'm so sorry. Heather found him last night, he took a whole bottle of pills and downed it with alcohol. When the paramedics came, they said he had been lying like that for hours... Are you there?"

"Yeah, yeah I'm here." Stevie said, wiping away tears. "It's my fault."

"What? No! Don't even think that! Couples get divorced and you were absolutely right to do so, don't blame it on yourself."

"He told me he would do it. He came to see me about two months ago, begging me to take him back and I said no. He told me life without me is not worth living and he might as well kill himself. I didn't believe it, I didn't listen..."

"Please, I'm asking you not to think that way, Stephanie. It's not your fault, you here me?"

"When is the funeral?"

"The service is tomorrow at eleven, he'll be buried alongside our mother."

"I'll be there."

She hung up and Lindsey came straight to her, enfolding her in his arms as she stared over his shoulder into nothing, not even blinking.

"Baby, I'm so so sorry." He said, holding her tightly, getting more and more worried of her doll-like state in his embrace. "That is... God, I don't know what to say."

"It's my fault." She repeated.

"No, Stevie, it's not your fault." Lindsey shook his head, lifting her chin up to look her in the eyes. "You didn't give him those pills, you didn't make him take them."

"He told me he would do it and I brushed it off, I didn't pay any attention to his words."

"Baby, look at me." She didn't, so he cradled her face in his hands, forcing her to. "You can't put the blame on yourself. He cheated on you, you were hurt and heartbroken, you made a choice, you chose to end your marriage, you weren't the first nor the last one to do so. The choice he made was to, well... he chose for himself. But you are not to blame, Steph. Please... you're not!"

The rest of the day went pretty much the same, with Lindsey convincing Stevie she shouldn't feel guilty. She didn't say a lot, spending most of the time in bed, while he did his best to comfort her. He doubted it helped, as she seemed to be so empty and not present, but he wasn't going to leave her by herself. 

~

The morning came and Stevie made sure to get out of bed early, she needed to take a shower and get ready for the funeral. Lindsey woke up, when she was already in a black gown, with her hair and very subtle makeup done. He had a change of clothes at her place, so there was no need for him to drive over to his condo. 

They arrived at the cemetery and Stevie noticed Robert's family, his sister and two younger brothers, his nieces and nephews, cousins and some of his close friends. She wished she could stay in the car, but that wasn't the option. It wasn't that she didn't want to say goodbye to her husband, but it was one of the hardest things she was about to do.

"Maybe I shouldn't go."

"Lindsey, please. I can't do this by myself." She clutched his hand, pleading. 

"Aren't people going to whisper?"

"I don't care about people right now, I need you with me."

He sighed, nodding his head. "Okay."

They got out and the first person to come to Stevie was Maria, pulling her into a hug, instantly dissolving into tears. But Stevie couldn't cry, she still chose to ignore the reality of the situation. 

"Thank you for coming." 

"You thought I wouldn't?"

"Well, with everything going on..."

"Maria, Robert was my husband of twenty years."

"And Heather is carrying his child, but she didn't bother showing up." Clearly, she didn't like the woman who broke her brother's marriage apart. "I'm sorry for mentioning her."

"I hope you don't see it as disrespect, me bringing Lindsey, but right now, I need him to support me, because I'll have a break down and go insane." 

"It's fine." Maria managed a weak smile, saying hi to Lindsey as well. "Come, the rest of the family would like to express their sympathy too."

The funeral lasted far too long for Stevie. She couldn't bare seeing the procession, the casket being lowered into the ground being the last straw, as she turned away and let go, sobbing into Lindsey's chest. 

She cried all the way home, going straight to the bedroom, once they got there. Lindsey wanted to stay, had planned to stay, but she didn't let him. She needed to be alone and she would call him, when she wanted him to come see her. 

Lindsey stood for a minute in the doorway, looking at Stevie, curled up in a ball, her small body shaking with sobs. She didn't deserve this, he thought, she hadn't done anything that horrible to go through so much pain in her life. Eventually, he closed the door, his own heart breaking as her cries grew louder.

~

Wanted to let you know that I'm planning on ending this in a few more chapters.