Something, Nothing

CHAPTER 15

CHAPTER 15 — BACK HOME

I was hoping to get some sleep before inevitably facing the rest of my family but I couldn't even bring myself to close my eyes for more than a couple of minutes. It doesn't help that my brain has decided to churn out thoughts in such a massive quantity that I myself cannot keep up with it. If only there was to shut it off for a couple of minutes. I ended up just lying in my bed, staring at the ceiling, giving in to the whims of my brain, blindly following the track of my thoughts — it started with me being back at home and everything that can possibly going home, me reminding myself to visit my favourite yoghurt shop before leaving me having to put up civil, constraining conversations with my father, Ken, smelling my mother's chicken curry from downstairs which reminds how hungry I am, I can hear additional voices from downstairs which means that my father and brothers must be back home, wondering if Jomar managed to Sun Ling.

Like I said, my brain was too active, it required solid energy just to keep up with them, but still I can't fall asleep. I had set my alarm at 7 pm, so that I'd know when to go downstairs without any of my family members having to come look for me. It rings way sooner than I expected. I do not feel ready to meet any of them.

But still, I drag myself down the stairs and before I have reached the last stair, Aarnav, my middle brother, calls out, "Ah, lastly the prodigal son returns,"

No one asked you to keep staying here, I think to myself sourly but to him I just smile.

"Anna," I turn to him, "How are you?"

He quirks his head to one side, and glances at me up and down and then settles with, "Huh?"

"Aarnav," our other brother, Aaryan, steps in, "Stop. Go help, amma,"

"What — he's the one being weird," but just one look from Aaryan shuts him up and he disappears to the kitchen.

"Aarvin," Aaryan turns to me, "You get here okay?"

I nod.

"How did you get here from-,"

"Taxi,"

"Hmm," he nods, "Could've called,"

"Didn't want to disturb you,"

He just shakes his head, and then tips his head to the side, "Have you seen appa?" and when I shake my head, he steps aside and gestures to me to go on.

Taking in a deep breath, I walk towards the living room where my father is tinkering with something. He has his tools spread over the table and is exchanging his spanner for a screwdriver when I walk in.

"Appa," I make myself known.

He merely spares me a glance before returning to his work, "When did you come back?"

"A few hours ago,"

"How long is your break?" he asks me.

"Two weeks,"

"Have you made plans for the two weeks you're here then?" he puts down the screwdriver at last, then looks up at me.

I am the one who looks away this time, not having the energy to face that look at this moment. To an outsider, the question might seem very much harmless, a father just inquiring about his son regarding his break. But I know he intended for his words to cut me. I don't say anything and just stand there.

Fortunately, my mother comes to find us before long. She didn't have to be there to guess what must have happened and lets out a loud sigh, turning to my father, "He just came back,"

"Wonder he-,"

She shakes her head, and turns to me, pushing at my shoulder lightly, cutting him off, "Food's ready. Let's go eat,"

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Dinner has always felt strained even before going off to college, so it's no surprise that that hasn't changed. If anything, it only feels more strenuous now. The air itself feels static, and it's intimidating to even breathe.

"Kanna, do you want to say the prayers?" my mother touches my hand and I almost flinch at the sudden contact.

I clear my throat, and give her a tight nod. We bring our hands together to the center of our chest, palms pressing together against each other and bow our heads down. I glance lightly to see that everyone has already closed their eyes except for my eldest brother, Aaryan who is looking at me almost inquisitively.

I quickly look away and close my eyes, and start the prayer. It's nothing very extensive, just to show gratitude to the Gods for everything they have provided us with. I'm not very religious, but in my house, practising religion has never been a choice, we have had to follow it through generations, and so I just go through the motions. I have yet to find any connection with my religion.

After my short prayer, my mother starts serving the food on our plates. My middle brother, Aarnav asks my father about something from work and I let out an internal sigh of relief of not being brought into any type of conversation. That doesn't last long.

As soon as my mother sits down and before she has even started taking a bite, she directs her attention towards me.

"So, Aarvin, how has college been?"

My hand stops midway to my mouth, and I glance up at my mother; Seriously?

I call her at least once every two days and she knows how college has been for me. Why does she have to ask me again?

"It's fine," I settle for a short answer, not wanting to be the center of attention any more than I have to be.

But unfortunately for me my short answer is what turns everyone's undivided attention towards me, especially the one I did not want to have at all — my father's.

"He's an adult now, Seetha. He knows what he's doing. We don't have to worry about him anymore,"

"Appa, please," my mother turns to him with a pleading look in her eyes.

I take in a deep breath, reminding myself that I can still in fact breathe. It has been a few months but my father's still upset with me. I should have expected that and I think somewhere deep within myself I was expecting that but still I would be lying if I said it didn't hurt.

It's fine. It's for the best, I tell myself, my constant mantra for everything in life.

"Classes are fine," I speak up before anyone else, making sure to keep my head down — I don't think I can see anyone's faces right then, "Sometimes the assignments pile up, but I've been managing," I shrug, and then send a quick look over to my mother hoping that she'll get the message and stop asking about college anymore.

If she wants to know anymore, she can ask when we're by ourselves and I would tell her,just not now.

Thankfully, she lets go. The dinner ensues in pressed silence until my Aarnav speaks up again. It's no use finishing my food as quickly as possible as it is considered rude to leave the dining table when the others are still eating. Twenty minutes later, we were done and I volunteered to help my mother in the kitchen, mainly to avoid sitting with my father and brothers in the living room.

"Your appa is still a little bit upset," my mother says when we start washing the dishes.

I simply nod, as if it wasn't obvious enough already.

"But he is proud of you. He always asks about you,"

Another nod, even though I sincerely doubt that claim. He's never talked to me ever since I went away to college. Maybe I should have tried calling him, but I didn't leave on such good terms where I felt it was a good idea to call him. And to be frank, it just felt so freeing and relieving to be away from home that I forgot I was supposed to try to at least smooth things over with him.

My mother has continued to talk while my thoughts strayed because when I tuned back in, she was saying, "What do you think? Don't you think that'd be nice?"

I frown, unsure what would be nice but I'm too tired to talk then and so I just nod along, "Yeah, sure,"

That pleases her and she continues chattering away. I try my best to keep along but it isn't long before my thoughts have drifted away once again.

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