Something, Nothing

CHAPTER 9

CHAPTER 9 — THANK F**K, YOU'RE NOT DEAD

I was honestly considering returning to my house sooner than I planned until I talked to my parents. That was more than enough to right my head and remind me why I purposely chose a place so far away from my house to study.

It's not that we had an argument or they were mad at me for something — it's more that just simply talking exhausts me to my bones and makes me feel so miserable.

I don't remember when I started feeling this way. I can't have been feeling this way all this time, can I? Because I do remember when I was younger and when I was laughing and talking a lot with my parents and my brothers.

Maybe it started when I started to hide things from them — first because of embarrassment and then out of fear and my own survival.

I let out a long sigh. This was not how I wanted to feel first thing in the morning at all. I let myself fall back and close my eyes, wanting to go back to sleep. It's not like I had anything else planned for the day either.

That's when I felt my phone buzz.

Ken FRIEND :–

Heyy, you up ??

Want to go get breakfast ??

Seeing his name only should have revved me up, but right then, it just made me sadder and tears pricked my eyes.

I shook my head to myself, feeling stupid.

I typed in reply.

Me :–

Good morning

I'm sorry, no. Not feeling too good.

I shut my phone off, and close my eyes, willing my stupid brain to shut up as well.

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My phone is ringing when I wake up and there's continuous knocks on my door. I see there's quite a few missed calls on my phone already and they're all from one person so I don't have to be surprised (much) by who it is on the other side of the door.

"Okay. Thank fuck, you're not dead," is the first thing he says upon me opening the door.

I squint at him in confusion.

He doesn't wait for me to invite him in or anything and just walks by me. I don't feel too comfortable closing the door all the way when it's just me and him in the room so I leave it ajar.

"You said you were not feeling well and then nada — no replies after that. What was I supposed to think?"

"You thought I was dead?" I cover my mouth with a hand, to hide the growing smile.

"Well... no. Yes. That's the point! I did not know what to think!"

"I'm fi–,"

My words get cut off when Ken suddenly approaches me with no warning beforehand or whatsoever and puts his hand on my forehead.

"Dude! Your skin feels so hot," he exclaims as if I need any kind of confirmation from him, "Do you have a fever? Do y–"

I take a much needed step back from him, "I'm fine," I can't even be embarrassed anymore by the pitchiness of my voice.

"You sure?" he asks.

I nod.

He nods back at me, looking somewhat consoled. He walks to the little table by the door where he has discarded a bag and picks it up before thrusting it towards me.

"Bought you food. Knew you must have not eaten anything," and then to confirm his suspicion, he questions me, "Have you eaten anything?"

I shake my head, trying and failing to ignore this strange, strange sinking feeling in my chest.

Who is he?

He absolutely did not need to text me for breakfast and he even more certainly did not have to consider that I would not have eaten when I turned him down and bought me food. I know I wouldn't have done that. Why is he doing all this? What the fuck is he even trying to achieve here?

"Thank you," I force my quickly immobilising vocal chord to sound out.

"You're welcome," he smiles at me and for fuck's sake, fuck him.

I glance away as quickly as possible and keep the food on the table.

"Ah ah ah," he clicks his tongue, and as if he hasn't given me enough cardiac arrests already in one day, puts his hands on my shoulder and turns me towards to the table, "You're going to eat now,"

If only to get him to move his hands on my shoulders, I sit down and get to eating.

He pats my shoulders twice and moves away. I relax a little and at least now the risk of me choking on my food has decreased somewhat. I glance at him sideways and notice that he's on his phone.

I am startled to find a frown on his face and he types something on his phone, and does a little shake of his head. Suddenly it feels like I am witnessing something personal and so I look away.

"Thanks again," I say once I've finished eating and only then Ken even looks up from his phone.

His phone dings once but he doesn't even bother about it and puts it in his pocket. He smiles up at me but this one looks very different from the one he gave me not long ago.

Words threaten to spill out of my mouth and I keep my lips firmly shut. I can't have more of him in my life — he's already seeping into my life enough as it is and right now, it's more important that I focus on not letting him affect any more than he already is (something I'm epically failing at — I'm painfully aware)

But it doesn't matter that I don't ask him, because he asks me, "Do you have a partner?"

"Hm, what?"

"A partner," he repeats, "Like are you seeing someone or are in a rela–"

"No, no," I cough out, "Why?"

I can already imagine the words that are going to come out of his mouth next, and I can already imagine the impact those words are going to leave me with and so I brace myself.

"It's my sister,"

Okay, that's not what I expected him to say, and I look at him with a newfound curiosity, forgoing my decision to not learn any more about him than I have to.

"She's dating this new guy she met like a month ago. And... it's just–" he puts a fist to his mouth as he struggles to find the next words, "She's like changed a lot and not in a good way. I think she knows this too and every time we talk, I can hear how unhappy she is, but she just won't listen to me. She's saying she's never been happier which is not true at all. She's blaming everything on her work. She's been working for more than a year now and she has never complained about it before. I've never even met the guy but I know it's all because of him and I just don't know how to make her understand!"

He falls back on the bed, and lets out a loud breath.

Again, that's not what I was expecting him to say at all and now I know I'm supposed to say back something but the best I can think of is: "That sucks,"

"I know!" and a few beats later, he sits back up, "I'm sorry. You said you're not feeling well. I should let you rest. I'll go now. Thank you for listening,"

I don't really want him to leave, but I bite my lips, and just nod. It's for the best, I remind myself of my mantra.

"Ok, bye Aarvin,"

I simply wave at him, because I know if I opened my mouth I would definitely say something I would regret.

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