Living Off Past Trauma [EDITED]

Sadness and a Lead

Lamar Kingston//Killa
----------------------------------

I sat precariously on the edge of the building's rooftop, feet dangling in the air as I gazed at the breathtaking view of the city below me. The city lights twinkled below like a canvas of diamonds, casting a mesmerizing glow into the inky blackness of the night sky.

The wind whipped roughly against me, sending goosebumps to rise up against my skin. My eyes, lost in thought, gazed out at the moon, where the stars shone like a scattering of silver dust.

My hands grasped the edge of the rooftop, fingers curled around the rough concrete as I balanced on the narrow ledge. For a moment, I seemed to be one with the city, a part of the very fabric of the urban landscape. The sounds of the city- the honking of cars, the chatter of pedestrians, the wail of sirens in the distance- blended together I'm a symphony of noise that was both overwhelming and exhilarating.

Never a dull moment in the city of LA.

In one hand, I grasped a bottle of whiskey, the amber liquid glowing warmly in the dim light. I took a swing, feeling the burn all the way down my throat. The alcohol courses through my veins, numbing my senses and heightening my mixed emotions. Mostly sadness. The world seemed to be...dull and was spinning around me.

But for now, I just sat, suspended between heaven and earth, with nothing but the city lights, my thoughts and memories of Onika, the whiskey, and the cigarette smoke to keep me company.

I blew out a puff of smoke before I looked down at of the screen on my lap. A video of Onika and I a few days ago going for a walk at night. She looks so happy. I looked so happy- but now I'm not.

"Haha. Very funny. Ya know, you're very annoying." She said as she punched my arm. "No I'm not. I just simply wanted to get your attention but you weren't paying-attention." I rolled my eyes at her.

"By tripping me??." She asked. She placed the phone down against the park bench and stepped back. She looked so gorgeous that I couldn't help but just stare at her in adoration. "Yea I look like a pig. Daddy pig." She groaned.

I chuckled at what she said because she's been calling herself that. Yes she's gaining weight but that doesn't matter. For a matter of fact, I really don't even care. She still looks beautiful and will forever be in my eyes. Just wish I could tell her that again.

"I'ma always tell you this, if it means I have to tell you this over and over again then I'ma do it. You picking up weight doesn't even bother me, either should it be bothering you. You beautiful, you cute, you're sexy, you're exquisite, you're everything. Now stop degrading yourself woman." I knocked her head.

"Owww! Man I hate you."  She turned to walk away but I pulled her back. "Meh, but I'm sure these little monkeys think their mom looks soooooooo pretty no matter what." I wrapped my arms around her belly and rubbed it.

I miss them....

"Really?" She sniffed. "Uh oh here comes the emotional rollercoaster." I turned her around hugged her. She started crying silently while I rubbed her back. "Fucking mood swings" she cussed as she wiped her tears.

I miss her.

"I love your mood swings." I said honestly. "Awww." She pecked my lips. "Small ones, I think you can come out now Caz daddy's gonna keep making me cry." She poked her belly. I chuckled at her cuteness because I mean who wouldn't. Gosh I love this woman. "I love you." I told her. "I love you too." She kissed me.