Real
Mariin ang titig ko sa sariling repleksyon sa salamin. I'm a mess. My eyeliner is smudged from all the tears I shed since last night.
Russel sounded determined to go back in the morning. Kaya nagbook agad kami ni Ronnie ng flight at maagang umalis kanina. My things are in Russel's condo, but I'm staying here in the penthouse of a high rise hotel in Makati. They won't locate me here. At least, not easily.
Inirapan ko ang sarili ko. Why am I a mess right now? Who am I crying for? Russel?
I shouldn't be crying about him! Who knows if all this time, he just turned a blind eye from all of these? He's now the head of one of the biggest conglomerates in the continent. He won't let their empire down by some mere people like me, which means he'd do everything to get rid of me. I won't be an exemption. It doesn't matter if... I was... his girlfriend. Now that he found out about me, I've become his enemy.
He's very passionate about their businesses. His career. More importantly, his family. Imposibleng ganoon niya ako minahal para magpakatanga sa akin. Siguro gulat pa siya sa mga nalaman niya kaya ganoon na lang ang reaksyon niya kagabi sa study, at kung bakit pinuntahan niya pa ako sa hotel ni Ronnie. Once his mind clears and duty calls, he'd realize his priorities. And that's not me.
It's impossible. He couldn't love me that much. He's a Hermedilla. He's a business magnate, above anything else. Isa akong malaking tanga kung iisipin kong naiiba siya sa ibang mga negosyante. Especially that he's very loyal to his family, and he has the whole legacy of his family right behind him.
Kilala ko siya. He even became my boyfriend, right? I know how much his career matters to him. He's very passionate about it beyond what he thinks he feels for me. Sooner than later, he'd realize it all.
Hindi ko na dapat siya isipin pa. Hindi ko siya dapat iyakan. Hermedilla siya. Kagaya lang siya ng pamilya niya, hindi pa lang lumalabas ang pagkakataon para makita ko iyon. Pero ngayong alam na niyang ako si Chantel Corbilla na naninira sa pamilya niya, na niloko siya, hindi niya ito palalagpasin kapag nalinawan na siya.
Bakit ba ako umiiyak buong magdamag? Para sa kaniya? Talaga bang... minahal ko siya? Wasn't it all just lust? Just the sex? His status and wealth? Or the thrill of being with him? The pride of catching the most sought after bachelor? I was drawn to him initially because of his family name. Because of the prestige and the bragging rights he gives me. I was just really determined to marry into a wealthy family, desperate to secure a better life for myself. Iyon lang 'yon.
I may have been attracted to him, yes, but it's too far-fetched to say I was really in love with him.
No... I wasn't.
It was just lust. Ego. Ambition. It wasn't love. I'm not capable of that.
Bumuntong hininga ako nang narinig na may kumatok sa aking pinto. I'm sure it's Ronnie.
"Hindi ka ba kakain? Kagabi ka pa hindi kumakain. Nag order ako ng pagkain, halika muna..." marahang sinabi ni Ronnie.
"Lalabas na ako, Ronnie..."
I heard his sigh of relief.
"Alright..."
Kahit nakaroba lang ako, buhaghag pa ang buhok, at nangingitim ang eyebags dahil sa nasirang make-up, lumabas ako ng kuwarto. It's just Ronnie, and I'm comfortable enough around him to go out like this. To come out... vulnerable. Not completely weak. Not completely surrendered. Just... a little bit more vulnerable.
Nagtagal ang tingin sa akin ni Ronnie nang naupo ako sa harapan niya. Hindi na lang niya pinuna ang itsura ko.
"Thanks," sambit ko nang inabot niya ang paborito kong Chinese food.
