Thirteen Summers

twenty-five

J O S I E

I sat there wide eyed and confused, what Ella had just asked me didn't make sense, I wasn't sure if I had heard it wrong.

"Excuse me?" I mumbled.

"Would you like to come back to New York with me?" She repeated, she took my hand.

"I know your mother isn't here but you still have me, we'll get you into the same highschool with some of your old friends, you can train with people you know..oh and your piano teacher, I'm sure he'd love to have you back as a student."

I looked at her, utterly shocked.

Where was all this coming from?

Was she not the one who pushed me out?

Where was all this when I begged to stay in the only home I'd ever known?

When I was taken away on the very day we laid my mother down with the earth, where was this?

"I..I don't understand." My eyes blurred again. I was so confused, I was feeling conflicted. "What about my family?"

Hurt washed over her face as her own tears filled her eyes. "I'm your family, I've always been your family."

I felt guilty.

Ella shook her head and smiled. "It's okay, they can visit and we can visit. They will still be in your lives but most importantly, you'll be back home."

I didn't say anything, I've never been so conflicted.

A few months ago, I wouldn't have questioned and I would've left in a heartbeat but somewhere down the line, things had changed.

I didn't want to leave my family, I had only just started to get to know them.

Ella clearly saw the reluctance on my face, she looked me in the eye and her voice broke as she said, "I am so lonely, Josephine."

My heart couldn't take it anymore.

"Everyday, I sit in that big house, all by myself." She explained, looking away from me. "I barely do anything, I barely eat anything and when I do..."

"God, do you know what it's like to eat and everything tastes like nothing? Every meal is like this huge rock weighing me down and everything else is already weighing me down, so I don't eat."

She cried, still facing the door and then the cries slowly turned into sad laughter. "And you know what, it makes me feel good. This is my life now...do you get it?"

I didn't say anything, I didn't even want to breathe because I knew how she felt, not in the same way but I understood what she felt.

I had counselling, I had my family but Ella had no one.

I had to be there for her, she needed me.

I had to go, I didn't have a choice.

"Okay." I gave in.

Ella gasped, finally looking at me and pulled me into a hug. "Thank you."

Almost immediately, a horrible feeling washed over me and it consumed me.

I was doing a good thing so why did it feel so bad?

Why did I feel so sad?

"Don't mention it to Cameron or Roman, I've already told them and they understand why you need to leave but I think they'll be too upset to talk about it so I'll let them know your decision."

I nodded, that made sense.

I didn't want to be the one to tell them, I don't think I would've been able to handle it.