Thirteen Summers

nineteen

J O S I E

Our vacation was going great. After my week of hell was over, and I mean hell, I was actually enjoying myself.

It was upsetting because I was really liking it here. My siblings talked to me more, I didn't know if that would change once we returned back home.

I guess they had to since we were in close proximity most of the time but it felt different, I felt comfortable.

That is what I told my counsellor.

"I guess when I'm spending time with them, I feel better. I don't...think about Mom that much." I muttered, my voice going quiet at the end of that sentence. "It's awkward for me sometimes, though. There's stuff they say that I don't understand, memories I'm not part of and then I'm reminded that they had their own life before me and I wasn't there, I don't know things a sibling would know about their siblings."

I'd been doing my grief counselling online once a week, in the evenings, due to the time difference.

"How does that make you feel?"

"I feel like an outsider, I guess."

I hesitated before I carried on speaking. "I've always felt like an outsider but my mom and I, we were outsiders together... like we lived in our own little world...I don't know."

"I imagine that's difficult. Adjusting to this new world with your siblings, without her with you."

I shrugged. "It was, I just try not to think of it and I think that helps."

"Don't you think that's ignoring the problem?"

"How?" I questioned, shifting in my seat.

"You haven't allowed yourself to properly grieve your mother's death, you've pushed it to the back of your mind and tried your best not to let yourself feel, Josie."

I awkwardly laughed, scratching my neck. I didn't know what to say.

Olive didn't laugh with me, a small sad smile present on her face.

"It's understandable, you've had a massive loss and then here comes this big change of scenery and all of these new people, it's a lot. However, you've been keeping in all your emotions for a while and if you continue to do that, it can be very harmful for you. It only adds to your anxiety, it can affect you for a long time. I want you to think about that, Josie."

And I did, I thought about it at dinner and I thought about it that night before I went to sleep.

I don't know if I agreed with her.

The next morning, I put that to the back of my mind because it was a special occasion.

It was set to be an exciting day. It was Caleb and I's fourteen birthday, we were both told to pick an activity we really wanted to do for our special day.

I chose the zoo and Caleb chose rail biking, which I assumed was something dangerous because he practically had to beg Cameron to let him do it. He also told me to go along with it because apparently it would convince him more.

Surprisingly, Cameron did in fact give in when I said I wanted to do it too. After that, I looked up what it was and I was excited and a tiny bit nervous but as long as we were somewhere steady, I was sure I'd be fine.

That was until we actually got there.

"I can't do it." I blurted, shaking my head. "I can't go on that thing!"

"Come on, it could be fun." Madison tried to reassure me.

I eyed the contraption of a bike I'd have to sit on.