Thirteen Summers

twenty-two

J O S I E

It was my last day of grief counselling today.

I think I first went into counselling expecting all of my problems to be solved and my pain to be over, that wasn't the case.

I didn't understand why that couldn't be.

I was a good person, at least I always tried to be.

I still didn't understand why any of this was happening.

I sat in Olive's office, with tears welled up in my eyes and a runny nose. "So this feeling, it's just never gonna go away?"

I looked at her, in disbelief and sorrow. "I just have to live with it?"

"Grief is complicated, Josie." She answered.

"It's difficult, it won't be this painful forever. What you're feeling right now, it's fresh and it's raw, but have you noticed you've been able to deal with your emotions a lot better than those first few sessions you had?"

I didn't say anything.

"Have you noticed you can communicate more? The way you can now allow yourself to feel happy without feeling guilty?" Olive carried on.

That was true but that didn't mean I didn't still have those issues.

What she was saying didn't matter much to me in that moment, because all I was thinking about was how I could make every bad feeling go away.

"You may not see it now but you've come so far, you should be proud of yourself and the amount of progress you've made." She gently smiled, then she looked over at her clock over on the desk. "That's the time."

"It's been great having you as a client, Josie. If you do feel you need any more sessions in the future, don't be afraid to talk to your guardian and let them know."

I nodded, struggling to keep my tears from falling. "Thank you, it was...nice being your client."

I turned around abruptly and left the room, going straight to my brother who was sitting in the waiting room.

He was on the phone but as soon as he saw me coming, he ended the call and stood up.

Roman wrapped me up in a hug and the tears fell as I allowed myself to cry.

I knew I was making noise and there were other people in the waiting room but I couldn't care about that at the time.

"It's okay." He muttered, placing a kiss on my head as he caressed it. "Ça va aller. It's going to be okay."

Roman took me outside away from prying eyes.

"Talk to me." He wiped away my tears but there was no use, they kept coming. Roman saw that I was still in no state to talk so he waited until I was.

"I don't want to be sad about it anymore, I don't want it to hurt all the time." I told him, feeling defeated. "Why did she have to die?"

"I can't answer that but I can tell you that it won't be like this forever, it'll take time but the pain lessens." He reassured me, he looked at me sadly. "It took time for me, a lot of time but look at me now."

I stared at him as he smiled, I'd never seen Roman upset.

In my short time knowing him, I'd noticed that he was calm most of the time.

I'd seen him be happy, I'd seen him be empathetic and I'd even seen him mad on one or two occasions but never upset.

I guess one day, I could be like that too.