Veridis Quo

Interlude 3

"Mm... yeah... yeaaaah..." a pair of human hands grasped an aluminum metric ruler, forming a line of eraser shaving while scraping sawdust into the unholy mixture, "Yeaaaaah, come to papa, deeeeep into my nose- OH SHIT WE'RE ON!" A hand shot up to the viewer, slapping the camera onto the floor and cutting to a technical difficulty made in a bootleg art application.

"Ahem!" The unknown man cleared his throat, pushing up the rectangular sunglasses up his bridge, "What it do everybody! It's ya boy, Dirty Dan, back at again since two K AD BABY! WOOOO!" He flailed his arms above his head, his tongue flinging about out of his mouth.

"Now, you're probably wondering where I've been," he said, dead serious, "back then, before the dinosaurs did a backflip and broke their necks like the LOOOOOSERS they WERE!" He cackled, mumbling something about skill issues and inferior genetics, "I had stockpiled a sperm bank's worth of chromosomes with the help of my best cousin friend-"

"AAAAAAAAAUUUUUGH!!!!"

"Huh? Wha?"

"Aaaaauuuuugh(I thought I'm your best friend)..." On the bed laid a curled blue figure, whimpering in autism, their face away from the viewer.

"Oh COME-" Dan exaggerated a subtle wink, "-on! I didn't mean it like that, my pookie! You're my bestest friend!"

„Then what does that make me, partnah?" A third voice spoke out of shot, the origin somehow behind the listener.

"For crying out loud- I'm in the middle of SOMETHING!" Dan tweaked, his right lip twitching, drool flying out of his mouth, "now... SHUT UP!!!"

"Auuuuuuugh(You're so mean to us)..."

„Oh yeeeeah? Or whaaaat? Ya'll send us baaaaack?"

"No, you aren't Mexicans," he assured, "BUT! I WILL snitch to the LANDLORD!"

Johnny sat at his desk, suddenly sneezing for no reason.

The southern accent gasped, „You wouldn't!"

"Try me, you incest enthusiast!" Dan growled, a dangerous glint manifesting at the corner of the glasses.

„...Dang you, gosh darn liberal..."

"Thank you. Go back to the closet, Hermit Man, I'll call you when you're ACTUALLY needed."

Defeated, the heavily dressed man entered the closet, shutting the sliding doors behind him.

"Phew~" Dan sighed, "Now, where was I?" He punched his head in thought, his tongue licking his luscious lips. "Ah!" He snapped his fingers, resisting the urge to search for a booger, "I forgot where I was! Hahaha! FUCK." He hung his head low, his blue ally writhing in the background.

"I-"

"Auuuuugh(Start from the start, dumbass)..."

"Good idea, Cuck Guy!" Dan beamed, his mood switching in an instant.

Leaning back in his office chair, he put one foot over the end, shoed of course, and began, "It was like any other day..."

Hypnotic effects distorted the viewer's visage, a magical lyre stringing along-

„WHAT IN TARNATION ARE YOU DOIN'?!" The Hermit came out of the closet, shaking a broken broom at Dan and his unwashed white t-shirt, ambiguous stains and all.

"What the fuck?! How did you-"

„Narnia shenanigans, Danny! I fornicated a dragon ten chromosomes ago!!" He revealed with pride before adding, "You can't do no flashbacks."