Veridis Quo

Chapter 45 - Merry Rexmas, You Bastards

Regret was a heavy burden and so was guilt. Imagine a scale of the two. What did it weigh? I didn't know. It was a choice that didn't benefit you in any shape or form.

But when perfectly balanced...

You get me.

Regret carried mistakes. There wasn't a person in the world – throughout all of history – that didn't look back over their shoulder and ask themselves: 'What could I have done differently?'

I've learned the hard way it was pointless. We can ask all we want but never get an answer, so why waste our energy on something that couldn't be altered?

Still, emotion was a parasite that no medicine could rid. I was pretty sure a lobotomy did a smidge more than remove the ability to feel...

But it wasn't so bad. Regret meant we understood our wrongdoings, it was a helpful guide in the right direction in life, a pat on the back that reminded us of the morale compass tucked in the breast pocket, that it functioned accordingly and appropriately.

What was a broken compass? A psychopath?

Then, on the other scale was what I believed to be objectively worse; guilt.

Unlike regret, guilt was tougher to correct. If regret was a tapeworm, guilt was that fish which allegedly – ALLEGEDLY – swam into men's penises in water.

Where was the backing article for that? Dunno, Johnny boy wasn't swinging that vine.

I digress. Guilt was worse for me. I couldn't repel it, the magnet was of an impure alloy, disrupting the electro-fields or however it worked.

Regret was justifiable. Guilt was merciless. Regret offered a hesitant hand. Guilt pointed an accusatory finger.

I'd like to take this moment to recount all the things that made me feel so bad about myself in chronological order.

The time I beat up a dude with an iron tray because he pissed me off...

...

Lying...

...

Lots of lying...

This was harder than expected, the horrible feeling persisted.

See? This was why I saw it as a parasitic relationship. Even though I generally forgot the specifics, my heart didn't.

Honestly, I wasn't that concerned about that fox. I couldn't give two damns if one fell on my head right now. He had it coming, if I hadn't done it, someone much bigger and badder would taught him a lesson.

Fuck around and find out and all that jazz.

Since I was finally being truthful with myself, there was no point in lying either.

Lying to Miya, lying to Juno, even Yahya to some degree...

I loathed myself for it.

How did things become so messed up, Johnny boy?

It wasn't supposed to turn out like this, Johnny boy...

Yeah...

...

Life, I supposed.

When we think we have everything figured out and sorted on a calendar, a piano falls out of the sky and wrecks the family car.

Such is, such was, and such will be.

...

If I had one wish, anything goes, it'd be to prevent the death of that star. I missed my old life dearly more than ever now. All I wanted was to throw off the VR headset and go outside to bask in the Autumn air.