Evangeline (Unedited)

34

A V O I D A N C E

(Hi everyone! I'm sorry for the lack of updates; life has been wild. I'm trying to get back into more of a routine now, although I'm not sure if we'll be sticking with Mondays and Tuesdays (not that we ever did). Thanks for the patience, enjoy!)

We were supposed to have a sit-down conversation about everything.

Instead, a couple of days passed. Nobody would start the conversation, and I was too afraid to do it myself, no matter how desperate and angry I felt, so time passed and my questions grew. Everyone had been walking on eggshells around me, which was bothersome, but I understood. I often felt the same with my mom, not knowing what would set her off. It was subconscious. Somehow, instead of that conversation, which was conveniently being procrastinated, we ended up at a store. The older boys were teaming up on groceries, and for some reason, wouldn't agree to let Lukas, the twins, and me stay home alone. Noah and Lukas had a lot to say about that.

Leo and I walked side by side behind the others. Alessandro kept glancing back, and Andreas did the same. Every time Leo stopped to touch something or look at something, the entire group would stop. It was kind of overbearing but sweet. At one point, Tommy and Noah walked off, chatting about some video game I didn't know the name of.

"Can we go to the toy section?" Leo asks Sandro, tapping his arm as we walk. I avoid Alessandro's eyes, staring into the distance.

"Aw, you still like to play with toys?" Lukas smirks, tilting his head. Leo rolls his eyes.

"No, I just like looking at them." He crosses his arms. "It's nostalgic."

"Yeah, sure, buddy. There and back—no detours." Alessandro gently hit Lukas over the back of the head, smiling wearily at Leo. I couldn't stop myself. I stole a glance. A look of warmth passed over his face, and suddenly, I felt bad. Before I could thank him, the excited boy grabbed my hand and pulled me in the direction of the aisle.

He quickly walks to the LEGO sets, eyeing them. He delves into rambles about his childhood toys and his favourite things to do. I listened with a grin on my face, laughing when he laughed and making noises when he did. I stood awkwardly behind him, unsure of what to do.

I felt my eyes drift to a Barbie doll. She wasn't one of those cool ones with a cool job; it was just her in her box. I gravitate toward it, picking the box up in my hands and looking at it.

"Did you play with those growing up?" Leo asks from beside me, having walked closer to examine what I was looking at.

"Oh, I didn't really have toys. I had some, not a lot." I shrug. His eyes widen, and he tilts his head.

"Like... how many?" He asks, his head turning to face me.

"Enough," I mutter back. "My mom always said we didn't have enough money. Elio and I were good with our imaginations, though, so we hardly noticed."

A half-truth. I noticed when I saw other kids bringing their toys to school. I noticed when advertisements would show on the TV when we were sitting in the living room with my dad. I noticed when I grew so suffocatingly bored in my bedroom because the only toys I had were a couple of stuffed animals Elio had given me and a jump rope. But I tried not to notice. I didn't need toys anyway. I had a built-in best friend to play with.

Until I didn't. And when he died, my imagination followed. I guess that's why I read so much. Somebody else gets to imagine and build off of their own creativity, and I just get to use it as sustenance. Eventually, it wasn't just my only enjoyment. It was my escape. My escapism from my dull, angsty life. My avoidance of being alive.