Fall Into Me

..VII..

The worst thing Minerva could've done was look at Mona's Spotify, because now she had the last song Mona had played on repeat - Forever, by Lewis Capaldi -, ripping her heart open every time she listened to it. Why couldn't it have been something fun and upbeat? Why did it have to be said and heartbreaking and soul destroying? Why? Minerva knew Mona liked the song, because she'd shown her it a few days before she went missing. The next worst thing was finding a playlist of songs dedicated to Minerva, all love songs, about falling in love, about feeling things you didn't understand. Each song broke Minerva to pieces, because Mona had loved her deeply but was too scared to say it, too worried, too unsure.

Then came the albums full of photos and videos, more than Minerva could've ever anticipated, all of them with a note of some kind, reminding Mona of why she'd taken the photo or video in the first place. Minerva's heart had never ached so much, and her mother found her collapsed in Mona's game room, trying to breathe through the debilitating pain in her chest, whole body shaking, sweat beading over her forehead, dizzy and sick.

Moira had panicked and called for the doctor, concerned Minerva was having a heart attack. Even Minerva thought she was, wheezing for air, heartbeat irregular and painful. The doctor cleared her, and very sadly diagnosed her with heart break. The irony of the situation made Minerva laugh through her tears. She'd never believed heartbreak to be a real condition, but here she was, diagnosed and experiencing the most crippling feeling of loss she'd ever felt, attacked by her own feelings, her love for Mona tearing her heart to shreds.

The pain never left her, and more often than not she found herself holding her breath to avoid feeling it, to the point her vision would swim and she'd almost blackout. Minerva was drowning in her grief, unable to get her head above the water for even a second to breathe, being dragged down deeper into the dark murky depths. This was nothing like when Elodie 'died'. This was destroying her in ways she never thought was possible, breaking her down to a quivering shell of who she had been.

To cope, Minerva would run a too hot bath, sink beneath the water and keep herself there until her lungs burned, trying desperately to rid herself of the agonising ache in her bones. Since Mona's death it had gotten a million times worse, almost as though every tiny cell that made up her skin was actually an elephant, compressing her from all angles and making her body hurt. During one of these sessions, Yannis had walked in out of concern when she hadn't responded. Full of panic, he hauled her up by her shoulders, covering her with a towel and holding her face in his hands, ready to perform CPR if he had to. The fear in his face had smothered Minerva's anger and she'd tried to explain what she'd been doing. Since then, someone was always with her when she bathed. Esme offered to take that role, allowing Minerva her time under the water before making sure she surfaced to breathe.

Ultimately, nothing she did helped. Not alcohol, not baths, not working out, not walking, not reading or watching a movie. She couldn't do a single thing without thinking about Mona, without feeling that deep loss inside her body. At one point she'd gotten angry, furious, because of the pain and the inability to think or do anything besides feel the sickening sensations that she'd smashed several rooms in the wing to pieces. Her bar was a mess, alcohol spilled all over the floor, glass shattered over every surface. Her office was in a similar state, monitors shattered and keyboard broken, potted plants ripped to pieces.

It got so bad that Moira took her to the Lodge for a day and night, but then Minerva tore that to pieces too, screaming herself hoarse. She couldn't close her eyes without Mona appearing, her dead body haunting her. Minerva saw it everywhere, on the floor, on the furniture, in the windows and the mirrors. She smashed every single item she saw the mirage in, her hands cut and bruised all over, knuckles bloody and palms split. Moira took her back to the castle when Minerva explained what was happening, exhausted and on the verge of ripping her own eyes out.