The Pacifist [COMPLETED]

Boiling Point

Joseph

Joseph couldn't believe her resilience as he watched her go to the art supply store for the third time that week. Ignoring her messages and denying her requests to see him had been difficult. Joseph wanted Rachel so badly it hurt. All he could think about was how delicious she had felt in his grasp and he would do just about anything to hear her moans of pleasure punctuated by cries of pain just one more time... Anything but see her again and risk hurting her. So he had resorted to following her on days he had the freedom to do so. She was so beautiful, her face alight with yet another idea. He imagined she must have had enough to fill a gallery at this rate.

He left as soon as she went in to minimize the risk of being seen. He also had to make it to another one of JP's meetings. The hope of becoming anything that resembled normal had been abandoned, but he still went because... well because it actually felt good to share with people who could understand him.

JP greeted him with a beaming smile when he arrived. "How was your week," JP asked.

Joseph shrugged. In all his sharing, he still had avoided bringing up Rachel. As much as the meeting's members 'understood' him, he had a feeling they wouldn't nod in understanding about the fact that he had been following a woman around for the last few weeks while fantasizing about leaving his hand prints on every inch of her body. JP nodded knowingly and motioned for Joseph to sit. Joseph watched each veteran walk in from his peripherals to avoid making eye contact. He wasn't in a chatty mood and with his nerves worn raw from exercising excruciating self control, his guards weren't as strong as they could be. He couldn't risk feeling anyone else's pain too deeply today. The meeting started and he noticed JP's concerned glance towards an empty chair.

Joseph knew JP was waiting for a kid who had shown up a couple weeks ago and had been in rough mental shape. He had shared about how frustrated he was over the fact he had gone through years of training but had done no tours. He believed it was unfair to come out so fucked up when he hadn't even stepped foot on foreign soil.

"I'm useless," he had said, head hanging low.

Although that wasn't Joseph's story, he understood the kid's plight. He felt like shit having been medically retired with his extremely particular skills rendered useless. He couldn't imagine never having the chance to put them to use. Joseph also knew how traumatizing training could be and again, couldn't imagine ending up with that trauma with nothing to show for it. The kid never said why he was no longer serving, but based on his erratic mood and constant fidgeting, Joseph had an idea they had something to do with his discharge.

"I miss the power."

The statement pulled Joseph out of his thoughts and he turned his attention to the person who had spoken. It was Eduardo, a south American immigrant who felt he needed to prove his love for his adopted country.

"And I don't mean the killing. I mean the saving. Yeah, it's called being in service, but knowing that people get to sleep safe at night because of my contribution..." he paused and nodded, sitting back in his chair, "that's what felt good. Killing a couple assholes wasn't so bad either."

Joseph ground his teeth at the self-grandeur the guy exuded.

"How many did you kill?" he asked.

The man sat up, caught off guard by a question everyone in the room knew better than to ask. He laughed nervously. "Why?"

Joseph shrugged. "I'm curious." He could see from the corner of his eye that JP had tensed up, ready for action if the conversation went sideways.

"What the fuck man. Why would you ask that?"

"You're bragging about it," he said, his tone so flat, it intimidated even those who weren't part of the conversation.

"You know what, fuck you, man!" The guy sat up, ready to lunge at Joseph whose knuckles were burning for impact. The man's jaw was begging for it.

With a shake of his head, he pushed away any fantasy of sinking his fist into the guy's smug face while simultaneously dismissing him. "No, fuck you. What we do— what we did, is service. And don't forget that. And," Joseph stopped to size the guy up one last time, "if you actually killed someone, you wouldn't be talking so nonchalantly about it."

Joseph stood up so abruptly that he knocked his chair back. This had everyone ready to act if fists started to fly. "Sorry JP," he said, before stalking out of the room.